Friendly game of 'Never Have I Ever' leaves wife 'broken' after husband's blunt response on infidelity. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for being brutally honest to my wife about cheating?"
So this happened over the past weekend, we were at a party with friends and this question popped up. We essentially had a small never had I ever game, which is pretty childish looking back but we're all in our later 20's so it isn't that bad.
One of the questions was: Never have I ever forgiven a partner for cheating. A few people counted that as something they did, including my wife. I expressed my surprise about it, since I wouldn't expect her of all people to give someone a chance after cheating.
Other than that, the night went on just fine and I was driving us home. (I don't drink, I hate alcohol) I asked her about the whole situation with forgiving a partner for cheating.
In her words, her ex-boyfriend of so many years back cheated on her. He came clean about it and they tried again, but then he went and did it again in the same manner.
She said she didn't regret giving him a second chance and would do the same if I happened to cheat.I figure this is just her being drunk, I have no intention of cheating on her. In absence of any answer from me, she asks if I'd do the same for her.
I bluntly told her that I wouldn't be able to forgive cheating, nor would I ever expect to be forgiven for cheating if I somehow ended up doing it. Short of physical abuse or other heinous acts, its the worst thing you can do to someone you love.
I don't know what happened to her after that, but she stopped talking the rest of the car ride. Ever since then, she's been dead silent around me. She isn't her usual bubbly self and is withdrawn when I have conversations with her. She avoids any questions about what happened on Saturday night too.
I asked our mutual friends about any context I may have missed, and a few of them said that she must have taken it a bit too hard. As in me not being able to forgive her for hypothetical cheating means I don't love her as much as she loves me. Her two oldest friends kind of implied that I shouldn't have been so blunt about it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
NTA. She's conflating your personal boundaries with your love for her. But personal boundaries and dealbreakers are about self love, not love of another. Not everyone has the same boundaries and that is always more about the person themselves than other people.
NTA...this is stupid, on her part. Did she cheat and is sad that you wouldn't be willing to forgive her? Does she have the urge to or plan on doing it and hopes you'd give her another chance? Either way, it doesn't look good. Just because she can forgive a cheater doesn't mean you can or should.
Exactly. The fact that she’s this upset over a hypothetical makes it real suspicious. Like, why is she so pressed about forgiveness unless she’s thinking about needing it? 🤔
I’m not saying she’s cheating on you, but…. Getting upset that you wouldn’t hypothetically forgive her for hypothetically cheating is a pretty huge red flag.
I think in her mind that means you love her less than she does. I don't think the same, for me cheating was always a breaking point. (Couldn't forgive and wouldn't expect to be forgiven, like you said).
But some people have the mindset that if you "really" love someone they could do anything to you and you "have to try" and give them another chance. I don't see it as a sign she wants to cheat on you or has done it. NTA, I'd talk to her that loving someone doesn't mean that there aren't any boundaries.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I'd have to say about 90% of the comments immediately went to her being a cheat or planning on cheating with some handsome doctor. That isn't what's happening here.
I pressed the issue when I got home last night and she finally cracked. She said she felt like I thought less of her for choosing to give her ex one more chance, and felt hurt to hear me speak about ending our marriage so frankly.
Obviously I didn't mean to hurt her with what I thought would be a meaningless hypothetical. I explained that I valued our relationship too much to cheat on her, which is what I meant by my answer.
We had a much longer chat about why she felt so down and I think we got to the crux of the matter. She confessed to still having fears of me having an affair like he did and losing the relationship.
In short, she feels like she hasn't actually processed the cheating from her old relationship. Her ex was her first relationship so having him cheat on her clearly messed up her self confidence.
She was anxious during the first year or so during our relationship because of some female friends I had and who are still in my life. (Her ex cheated with one of his 'friends' both times)
She came clean about checking my phone for any secret chats or apps during our entire relationship. (We both know each other's passwords and use the other person's phones freely)
So when I said that I wouldn't tolerate having an affair(whether it be on my side or hers), she just felt guilty about being so worried all the time. I think she would benefit from some form of counselling to help get over this, which she agrees with so now we're planning on getting individual therapy for her and possibly something for the both of us.
At the same time I'm reassuring her that this isn't a marriage ending issue and that I'm not angry at her. Needless to say, things are still off at home but much better now that this is all out in the open now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Sounds like you had a really productive and healthy conversation about it and came to the right conclusions. I hope she’ll actually give counselling a try, you’ll both feel a lot better once she can work through and let go of her fears and insecurities. Wish you all the best!
happy ending i guess, good on both of you for properly communicating and not blowing the situation of out proportions.
You're right. She probably needs some kind of therapy to process her feelings and to realize that not everyone is like her EX. Her behavior was suspicious from your last post, but congrats on being an adult and having a serious conversation!
You're right. She probably needs some kind of therapy to process her feelings and to realize that not everyone is like her EX. Her behavior was suspicious from your last post, but congrats on being an adult and having a serious conversation!