'AITA for being closer to my sons than my daughters? My wife is upset at me.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for being closer to my sons than my daughters?"

I (38 M) have been married to my wife (34 F) for 7 years. We have 4 kids together, aged 7,6,4,and 4. 6yo and 4yo are boys, 7yo and 4yo are girls. Me and my wife got into a pretty big argument recently and I need unbiased opinions. I feel like I've always been closer to my sons rather than my daughters.

You know I'm a boy, I like boy stuff, so do they. I don't like princesses or dolls. So I've always gravitated towards my sons because we have more in common. Anyways the argument started after my wife had put the kids to bed one night. I was laying down and she came into the room and confronted me about what my 7yo daughter had just told her.

According to my wife, as she was tucking my daughter into bed she started crying and asked, “ Why doesn't daddy like me." My wife told me that the kids notice how I treat them differently and I needed to stop acting like I hated my daughters. I told her I don't hate them, but we don't have anything in common. She was pissed and started yelling at me about how immature I was being immature. I think it's stupid.

Obviously dads are going to be closer to their sons, that's just how the brain works. I tried explaining this to her and she just didn't listen. She left and I think she went to sleep in my daughter's bed. I'm not sure. So AITA? I just want my wife to understand what I'm saying and she's not listening to me.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Ajstross wrote:

So… your daughter at the young age of seven has already picked up on the fact that her father dismisses her and her interests and makes no effort to find some common ground or mutual interest they might bond over?

Or that he’s incapable of occasionally feigning his interest in some of the books or toys she likes, probably because he worries that his precious masculinity might take a hit? Yeah, it sounds like YTA.

OP responded:

I just don't think I should waste my time doing something that I literally have no interest in. I don't like playing dolls. She can play that with her mom and her sister. If she wants to do something she can pick something that we both enjoy.

sharperview wrote:

You daughter thinks you don’t like her. This is beyond 'I’m not into princesses stuff.' Also, why does it matter if you’re into it, she is. Put in a tutu and dance with her. YTA.

OP responded:

I'm not wearing a tutu.

SorbetOk5531 wrote:

This is absolutely insane. Your 7-year-old broke down crying because she thinks you don’t like her.

OP responded:

My girls cry over everything. I know it upset her but I don't think it should be this big a deal.

Not long after OP made the post, his wife found it and left a long comment.

I am the wife. I found this post because when i went into our room to get my charger he was asleep but his laptop was still open with this reddit thread. Idiot. I don't even have an account so I needed to make this just so I can post here. First I can assure you this is not fake as many of you here are suggesting. Here are a few other things my husband has done that he conveniently left out of his initial post.

My daughter started crying to him about if he didn't like her, not to me. She only came to me when he didn't care. My husband has taken our sons on multiple vacations without our daughters. Using my money might I add. My daughters were told that it was a boys trip and no girls were allowed.

He refused to do both of my girls' daddy daughter dances this past christmas because he thought it was stupid. I danced with them instead.

He tried to make my girls clean up their brothers mess because “its a girls job to clean”

I could go on for hours. I want to give everyone some more context. My husband “works” from home. By working from home I mean he is completely unemployed. I am the sole breadwinner for the family. I am a doctor. I take sole responsibility in caring for the kids. He does literally nothing. I bring them to all of their sporting events, school events, appointments, etc.

Ever since we had kids he was detached from our daughters. He used the same excuse he said in here, he's a boy and doesn't like girl stuff. It's pretty hard to not get along with small children. They quite literally will do anything. My 7 year old would go run through the mud if it meant she got to play with her dad for 5 minutes. It's heartbreaking to see how much she yearns for a relationship with him.

This is not super important but my daughter loves “boy stuff”. She likes to go fishing with her grandpa and playing video games with her brother. So the excuse of her not liking boy stuff is dumb. He just doesn't like his daughter. A lot of people are probably wondering why I married him in the first place and why I haven't divorced him yet. To answer the first question, I was young and stupid.

I ignored red flags and have now ended up here. I have put off divorce for so long strictly because it is hard to get a divorce. I am riddled with student loan debt so I really couldn't afford it while taking care of 4 kids. This might have made me an AH for not leaving sooner but I'm done now. This has sealed the deal for me. I've been crying all night thinking about my daughters.

Not only them but I know my sons are not being treated right either. My 6 year old has noticed how his father treats his sisters and it makes him so sad. He has offered his spot on vacation multiple times so that one of his sisters can go and his dad says no.

I'm done with this. So when he wakes up tomorrow he will be told to leave MY house ( that i own) and that he will be hearing from my lawyer. I'm not putting up with him or any of his bs anymore.

I love my kids more than life itself. Tomorrow morning I am going to take all 4 of them out on an ice cream date while he packs his things. No limit on how much they can buy, they deserve it. Thanks, internet commenters, for showing him how stupid he is, and thank you for going to bat for me and my children. Have a good night.

The commenters had a lot to say in response to OP's wife.

castrodelavega79 wrote:

Good for you for taking action to protect them. Them seeing that you will do anything to protect them will help them learn your love will be so strong it will make up for their shit father's lack of love for them.

❤️ Sincerely, -a son of a dad that didn't care about me either who's mom did more than he ever could've.

achren_skeat wrote:

SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!! I was reading this the entire time thinking "this women is a married single-mother, this AH would definitely not be doing anything around the house if he has an issue with a tutu and put the responsibility to pick something interesting to do together in a 7yo girl. KEEP US POSTED!!! ❤️

CaffeineFueldlife wrote:

Does your husband think I love roblox and fortnight? Because I really don't. I play both because my son likes them. Does he think I love hatchimals and watching someone cut up squishies on YouTube? Again, no, but my daughter thinks that s#$t is awesome.

KaleidoscopeSad4884 wrote:

Coming from a woman whose dad was emotionally distant at best, you’re doing the right thing leaving him behind. I would have only benefitted from not having to live with my dad. He was not interested in what I liked, he hated my friends, he was never there when I needed him to be. It was also under a lot of, “Well, he’s a man, and men don’t like to do (insert any number of gendered things here).”

Toxic masculinity and my dad’s unwillingness to adjust means that I have a parent I don’t like or care about. I just keep up appearances to keep the peace. Today’s his birthday, and I’ve been dreading having to call since his last birthday. Leave this man in the dust, and make sure your kids know who really loves them.

Six months later, OP's wife made an update post on her own account.

Hi internet commenters. About six months ago my ex posted an AITAH post about being closer to our sons than our daughters. I found the post and made a comment under it. I haven't really been back online since that night but I came check it today and noticed I had a bunch of messages asking for an update so I figured I would give one here.

I don't want to go into to much detail about everything just to protect my and my kids privacy but long story short we are doing great. My ex has moved out of the house and after we started to court process he has lost all custody he had of all the kids.

He definitely fought for it but I had enough proof to block him from that. He doesn't have any visitation. Nothing. In the states divorce is a long and complicated process so it will take a while for everything to be official, but we are heading in that direction. My kids are doing great. They were all put in some kind of therapy and are healing. Ive seen a change in all of them and Im so proud of how strong they have been.

To everyone who went to bat for me and my kids thank you. Commenters can be crazy but I feel like I got the best outcome. You guys were all so supportive and I can't thank you enough. To other women in a similar situation as me. I promise you will feel so much better Ince you leave. Its hard, and probably going to be one of the hardest things you will do, but the outcome is so worth is.

And lastly to my kids. I hope you never find this post, but if you do, hopefully when you're a lot older, just know I am so proud of you guys. Mom loves you more than the world and I know you guys will do great things. Keep being the shining light in my life. Love you guys Once again thank you reddit for all of your help, this will be my final update <3

The comments kept coming.

mandolinpebbles wrote:

I’m oddly curious, did he actually fight for time with all the kids or just your boys?

OP responded:

Surprisingly he fought for time with all the kids, more recently though he's put in requests for supervised visits with my oldest son. Those have been denied.

Kruzzen wrote:

Congrats on tossing out the trash of a husband and father! I'm so happy you and your kids are free from him and can now begin the healing process. Mind if I ask, how did he take the divorce?

OP responded:

He didn't take it well. It was a lot of "No I'll try to be better" but I didn't want to hear it. He contacted my friends and family a bunch of times but he seems to have calmed down now. He's moved in with his mom last I heard.

Secure-Force-9387 wrote:

Your ex-husband reminds me quite a bit of my own sorry excuse of a father. One of the things that always made me feel so helpless as a child, and even into adulthood, is that my mother never went to bat for my sister or me.

I don't know what she was trying to prove by staying with my POS father and I'll never know because she passed two months ago, but with the additional secrets that have come out since her death, I know I was never a priority for her.

Your kids won't have to suffer like I did. When things as a single mom get the hardest (and I was a single mom for a long time, so I know how hard they can get), please remember this message from a random internet stranger: thank you.

I would've given EVERYTHING for my mom to do for me what you're doing for your kids. I'm in my late 40s and that pain of her never having my back against my father may never subside. You're doing the best thing possible for your kids by showing them how much you love and support them. Thank you for breaking the cycle. The world needs more strong parents like you.

paje2016 wrote:

Good for you!!! I am so happy you’re doing well and posted this update. I’m so proud of you for standing up for your girls. My father only had girls and wanted boys and I definitely felt like I was treated badly because of it. He died just after my 15th birthday and never got to find out that I was a tomboy. The what if’s still haunt me, 34 years later!