Parents charge rent then shame daughter for 'sugar baby' relationship that pays it. AITA?
"AITA for being honest about the fact I'm a sugar baby to my parents?"
This happened a week ago but things are still super awkward at home and I’m not sure if I handled it wrong or if they’re just being unfair. I (19f) started college this fall and am currently living with my parents again, kind of temporarily. I already feel weird enough about it but everything exploded recently and now I feel like I’m being judged every second I’m in the house.
The background is that my parents have always had this mindset that once you’re 18, you’re an adult and need to figure your life out on your own. It’s not like they kicked me out in a screaming match or anything dramatic, it’s just how they are. So after I turned 18, they basically said, "You’re on your own now", and I ended up living with my grandparents.
My grandparents are sweet and honestly the only reason I made it through the past year without totally falling apart. They let me live with them rent-free, but they’re both retired and living off social security and a tiny pension, so it’s not like they could help me out beyond giving me a place to sleep.
I was working two part-time jobs, still going to high school and saving up for college, but it was hard. I wasn’t doing anything crazy or irresponsible, I wasn’t partying or slacking off, I just couldn’t keep up. Like I was constantly worried about bills and food and finals and I never had breathing room.
This past summer, before school started, my parents offered to let me move back in to save some money, but only if I paid rent. It wasn’t a "you can come home, we miss you" kind of thing. It was more like, “We’ll help you out this way, but you still have to contribute.”
Which I get in theory, but I was already stretched thin and it didn’t really make anything easier. I still had to work constantly just to afford living in my childhood bedroom again.
Anyway, around that time I met this guy, we’ll call him "Kenji". He’s 26. We met through a mutual friend and I found out he worked at a law firm and had a pretty stable career. His family is also wealthy, but he doesn’t lean on them.
From the start, he was really honest about what he was looking for. He said he likes helping women who are working toward something and offered to support me financially if I was open to it and was willing to spend time with him. I’d never even considered anything like that before, but I was desperate and curious and I don’t know. He didn’t make me feel weird or gross about it. It felt safe.
So yeah, it started as a sugar relationship. But over time, it changed. We started hanging out more just for fun, having real conversations, spending actual time together without expectations. Now it feels more like a relationship than anything else. He’s been supportive and kind, and honestly one of the few people who treats me like I’m not a burden.
I’ve even met his parents and they’re amazing. They were so sweet to me and made me feel completely welcome. His mom literally hugged me when I left and told me she was glad her son found someone who has a good head on her shoulders. It felt nice. Like I wasn’t being judged for once.
So then came the part that blew everything up.
He sent me flowers to the house. Not even a crazy bouquet, just something thoughtful with a cute little note.
My mom saw the name and, being nosy, looked him up. I guess she realized he was older and saw his job and got suspicious. Later that day she asked me who he was and what he meant to me, and I didn’t want to lie.
So I told her the truth, that we met a few months ago, and that he helps me out financially since I can't afford everything while paying rent to them but that we’re close and I feel safe with him and it’s not anything creepy.
She looked at me like I confessed to a crime. She didn’t raise her voice, but she started saying things like I should “be more careful with how I carry myself” and that I’m “playing with fire.” She also brought up my little sister (she’s 13) and said I need to think about the example I’m setting.
I didn’t say anything but it honestly hurt. Like I’ve always tried to be the one who stays out of trouble and does the responsible thing, even when things are hard, and now I’m suddenly this disappointment?
My dad didn’t really say anything but the way he looked at me, it sucked. He’s not the emotional type, but I could tell he agreed with her. Now it’s like everything I do is under a microscope.
My mom barely talks to me about anything other than bills or chores and if she does, it's in this super neutral voice like she doesn't know what to say. Sometimes she starts to say something and stops herself, or she’ll come into my room and just stare for a few seconds before leaving.
I can’t hardly think without feeling like they think I’m some kind of floozy. I wasn’t trying to disgrace or deceive anyone. I wasn’t purposefully hiding anything, I just didn't tell them about it until confronted. AITA for not lying? I didn't think it would turn out like this.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Mom of kids your age here. I judge your parents more harshly for cutting you off financially at 18 than I would judge you for this sugar relationship. Cutting a kid off at 18 is pretty harsh if you can still afford to provide some level of support. Make sure they aren’t claiming you as a dependent on their taxes and that you were filing separately so you can apply for financial aid which should help pay for college.
Saying this as a parent - my daughter is the same age as you. Your parents don’t need to know everything about you, and you are not required to answer every question. It may be good to develop a few “back pocket answers” to maintain your boundaries. Developing boundaries, discretion, and privacy is part of adulting.
I would have left out the part about the financial aspect and just have said you’re seeing him but it’s moving slow or something like that. Your parents sound like judgmental pricks who expect the world from you but offer little in return. NTA.
Your parents are trash and I cannot believe they thought it was ok to kick you out while you’re still in high school. WTF? Also he’s 26 hardly old. You should move back in with your grandparents. NTA.
Any sperm and egg donor that think it's acceptable to throw their kids out the second they turn 18, don't get much of an opinion on how you choose to survive. They are trash, ignore them. NTA.
Babe, your parents suck. I don’t understand what they were expecting when they cut off a kid who was still in high school?? It’s not like you were positioned to go get a white collar job that would pay enough for you to pay rent and bills - you hadn’t even graduated high school yet, much less gotten an associates or bachelor degree, or even been in a position to go find an apprenticeship.
They set you up to fail, but you AREN’T FAILING. You were working multiple jobs and burning yourself out, and you found a situation that works. They can sit and spin about it. I’m so annoyed on your behalf! Your parents should be ashamed of themselves, and maybe they are and they’re projecting onto you. Or maybe they just suck really, really hard.
Can you go back to your grandparents? Or use your parent rent money to find roommates your own age? I think you need to get out of that house. But I don’t want to see you run to your sugar friend and find yourself dependent on his good will because that’s a messed up power dynamic that will hurt your relationship at best and be dangerous for you at worst.
Good luck chief. You’ve been dealt a hard hand and you’re coping with it well.
(edited to add: I’m a mom of teens, for what it's worth)