'AITA for being petty to my girlfriend's parents after they demanded we sleep separately?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for being petty to my girlfriend's parents?"

I already understand I've been petty, and most likely TA, but would still like some advice going forward. I apologize that this will be a wall of text, I am going to try to explain context. I will include a TL;DR at the bottom.

I (M25) and my girlfriend (F26) have been together for about 4.5 years now. Her an I moved in together just over 1 year ago as well. We were going to after her degree but a falling out with her roommate happened led to us moving in together a year early.

Our relationship has been fine, we don't argue often, support each other's separate interests, and overall living together has been quite hassle free.The only thing that has caused minor arguments between us, is that she hates confrontation.

For example, she works as a supervisor part time, and where she works the people being hired for her to train are paid more than her.

She hasn't gotten a raise of any kind in over a year which is illegal. She refuses to bring it up to the manager, or anyone at all.

This is frustrating especially since she moved into my place, she hasn't been able to afford to put anything forth. I own the place myself, including pay for our car insurance, gas, and pay all of the bills, except we go 50/50 for groceries, and it's been tough for how much I get paid, because it's not a lot, but shouldn't be much longer.

Anyways, her family and I have been decently close. They helped me move a couple years ago, they helped her move in last year, and we visit them for all major holidays and visit decently often since we got together.

Her family and I only don't agree on one thing: Which is my religion.

I am not religious, but they are quite Christian, and my girlfriend is non-practicing (unknown to them). So whenever I go over, they are over the top on everything (my girlfriend's words, not mine) on their religion, and constantly trying to force me to join them in their practices, and whenever I decline they say things under their breath like "Oh we will fix you," in a half jokingly manor.

But we have never visited long so it's never been much of an issue, usually only 2-4 hours at a time.

They live around 6 hours away from us, in another city. (My girlfriend moved to my city around 7 years ago, before we met).

This is where I believe (and everyone else) that I am being an AH, and the current issue: We stayed at their house for the first time over night a couple months ago, and while there for around 6 hours, it was all going well till it got to around night time.

They told me I should get the couch ready, and I was confused as my girlfriend has a room sizable for the both of us, so I questioned "I thought I'd just sleep with (girlfriends name?)" and they declined, saying that our relationship wasn't "at that level" in their eyes.

I accepted, and did not want to argue, as it's their house and their rules. But I am quite tall (6'6), and I grew a lot of that when I was young in an incredibly short amount of time, which resulted in a lot of medical back pain, and issues for my entire life, and being unable to even do the sports I used to love.

So I told them I wouldn't be able to sleep on the couch sadly, especially since it was barely bigger than a loveseat, but would be more than okay purchasing a room at a hotel for myself or myself and girlfriend.

(They also live within a couple minutes from some hotels, so i'd most likely be able to find a room close by) and they said I was "turning it into way too big of a deal" and to "respect their beliefs", and after back and fourth, they eventually said they "give up" and told me to sleep wherever I wanted and they were not happy, and went to bed themselves.

I was going to purchase a hotel for myself, but my girlfriend got upset at me for attempting to do so, so I stayed on the couch, which resulted in 0 sleep, and my back hurting for a couple days.

But I was at-least able to watch some good movies! I, nor they brought it up the next day and we eventually left. Since then I felt quite guilty as my girlfriend said I shouldn't have argued in their house. Now months later, they were wondering if they could visit us, and stay with us.

My girlfriend and I agreed of course. But before they arrived, I let them know that our couch wasn't quite big enough for two people, and they were very confused. I told them they would be sleeping on the couch, and they asked why. I told them that I felt they didn't respect our relationship to their standards, and I followed the rules under their house, so they should follow mine.

They argued once again that since they are married their relationship IS more respected than ours. I told them that them being married doesn't mean that for me, and if they are coming to my house they have to follow the rules of such too. They ended up hanging up, and texting my girlfriend they would not come over until I would apologize to them, and was in the "right mind."

This led to my girlfriend and I arguing about this, and she agrees that their relationship is more respectable due to being married, and I told her that marriage isn't what grants me respect for a relationship, it's the foundation its built on, and how two people treat each other, and those around them.

So, should I apologize, and allow them to sleep in the spare bedroom? My girlfriend believes I am being incredibly childish, petty, and unreasonable.

Which I definitely agree I am being petty, but I still just don't feel right allowing them to do whatever they want in my house, if they don't respect my relationship with their daughter. They were happy, and didn't say anything about us moving in, but feel weird in us sleeping in the same bed at their house which I found weird, but also never brought up.

TL;DR: Girlfriend's parents won't let us sleep in the same bed at their house. They are now refusing to come over because they can't sleep in the same bed at my house either.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

ramc5 wrote:

What does your GF bring to the relationship? It sounds like she is content to slog away underpaid while you take on the burden of most of the finances. That seems inequitable unless she takes on more of a burden in the home.

Regarding sleeping on the couch at their house: I understand it is their house, and many religious people do not allow unmarried couples to stay in the same room overnight. How is it that your GF didn't already know this? She should have discussed it with you in advance.

Many couples opt for a hotel room close by so there isn't any conflict in these situations. Do you really have a medical condition that made it so painful you couldn't bear it, and if so, then it seems your GF could not care less about your comfort. Why was she mad you didn't want to sleep on the couch with a medical condition?

1. Could it be that your GF is hoping this situation: her parent's position, and her agreement with it, will convince you to propose?

OP responded:

She pays half of our groceries but that's it. Everything else I pay for. I do the majority of the chores as well, since she is usually studying when I am off work, but I would say we are equal on laundry duties. I do the rest of cleaning, dishes, etc though.

She never had a serious relationship prior to me, just an on / off relationship in high school, so I assume she never invited anyone to stay over before. It would have been nice to know earlier if possible, since driving over there was incredibly hard on my back.

But I did have no idea till that very moment, and I found out later that her older sister and their boyfriend are also told to sleep in different rooms so they as well just never sleep over. I do really have a medical condition, as a child I had minor scoliosis just as did my father that was "fixed" non surgically, but later on and through growing taller at such a rate has led to a lot of lifelong pain.

The rapid growth of my spine led to (unknowingly at the time to me) very higher risked injury, and I used to play rugby at the time, which led to me being injured, and having many issues with stability, and pain, as I continued to grow. It's not a self diagnosis it's been a life long of doctor visits, adjustments, etc.

She wasn't mad I did not want to sleep on the couch, she was mad that I already had made it too big of a deal for not agreeing and keeping my mouth shut, and if I got a hotel that I would be making it even bigger of a deal.

Possibly. Her parents got married within 6 months of meeting each other. They firmly believe that we have no reason being together any longer than that if we are not married, they have made a lot of off hand comments about such but never directly at us.

For example, "I'm so glad we got married when we did, waiting any longer would have been stupid." and things like that. But my girlfriend and I agreed that we wouldn't discuss marriage till she finished her degree, and was in a more stable job.

Thin_Willingness557 wrote:

YTA, being a petty AH was the goal.

OP responded:

I agree. I was declining them what they declined me not for my own reason, but to be petty. I, as I said at the start know I am the asshole, and being petty, I just don't fully feel it's right to do nothing in this scenario and give in.

Mother_Search3351 wrote:

So your girlfriend is living in your home rent free, doesn't even pay for her own gas or insurance or even part of the utilities, won't stand up for herself at work so she can make a livable wage, has already been thrown out by her roommate.

But is digging in her heels with you and able to assert herself and be confrontational about her parents dictating how YOU should live YOUR life and in YOUR house and feels her parents should also be able to do that?

Make it make sense. Does she really 'hate confrontation'? Or is she just as manipulative as her parents who are in a mission to 'fix you' are?

Sounds like you have bigger problems than who sleeps where in that relationship .

AdMurky1021 wrote:

NTA. Honestly, if they would have just let you get a hotel room for yourself, that would have been it. But they argued with you about it, wanted you to sleep on the couch like a good boy, wanted to put you in your place. So no, you weren't an AH for what you said. All you did was reciprocate. And find a better GF who has your back.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

So I read the comments, and it helped me realize from outside POV's that I was 110% being a petty AH. I already sort of knew that, but hearing people with no connection to us confirm it helped open my eyes. I pulled my girlfriend aside the next day of my post, and apologized, admitted I was being childish, petty, an AH, and that I wasn't acting my age, I was more like acting a toddler not sharing toys.

She agreed and laughed at my analogy, and forgave me as long as I called her parents, which was my next plan anyways. I called her parents, said roughly the same thing, and they agreed (did not laugh) and told me that they will find another date in the future and reschedule staying with us, which I told them sounded great, and we hung up. All was well!

But the comments, and some private messages helped me realize as well, that my girlfriends not taking initiative was something I needed to seriously talk to her about and stop letting go if I planned on marrying her. I thought of how to say everything I wanted to, etc etc and a day or two later I decided to talk to her.

I told her how much I love her, the person she is, and brought up many things she brings to our relationship to start things out. I then brought up how if we are going to work more in a healthy manner as we get more serious and conjoined, things do need to be more equal between us.

So I wanted to work on a compromise. I pay for everything, except 50/0 groceries, I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning, etc as you all know. She got quite upset at this, and was trying to say she doesn't have value in our relationship, but I tried to reassure her, and the conversation sort of ended there.

I stuck my ground and two days later, I brought it up again once the dust settled, and while the conversation was...Rocky. We worked on a compromise that she will ask her boss about the raise she deserves, will begin doing more of the cooking and cleaning. Not more than before, but more than me.

I asked her also if she would talk to her parents about the whole "trying to convert me thing" and well...baby steps, not gonna happen yet.

Anyways, why I still need advice as well: Since we had that last conversation I thought things would be better, but she's been cold.

She's been only cooking really quick meals, like frozen stuff, mac and cheese, etc and I tried talking to her about it and that I'd be happy to teach her the stuff I'd make for us but she always says "If you don't like it, make us stuff you do," which is...fair. But I KNOW she's as good of a cook as me.

I tried talking to her if things are stressing her out, she declines, I tried asking if anythings wrong, she declines, etc etc.

She's been cold, our bedroom life took a nose dive from once every two days, only twice since my last post.

I tried feeding into her love languages (She likes words of affirmation a lot so I've been complimenting her extra and reassuring her) but she seems uninterested. I even tried asking her if I explained anything badly, or said the wrong thing about the conversations above, and she says no. What can I do to make her feel happier? She barely even greets me when I come home now.

TL;DR: Apologized to my GF, and her parents about last post. Ever since bringing up stuff that bugged me, she has been very cold.

The comments kept coming.

NuRedditNu wrote:

Why are you trying so hard? She’s not.

OP responded:

Because we have been together for almost 5 years. She's a great girl who I do love and want to make it work.

Anxious-Routine-2556 wrote:

She's mad and punishing you for trying to make her a partner in your relationship instead of a benefactor. Maybe it's part of her religion/upbringing, but your GF expects you to take care of her completely while putting little to no effort into taking care of herself, let alone you. Good luck with getting a relationship that's not one-sided with her.

OP responded:

Her parents are very traditional (Married within like weeks of meeting each other through their parents) but her mom and dad both equally do well off I believe, and from when we are over, she does most the cooking / cleaning and he does outdoor work, gets groceries, does non kitchen cleaning with her etc so it seemed pretty even to me in their household when I've visited.

My girlfriend is the sort of "favorite" daughter they have though so maybe that has something to do with it? She's the baby sister of her brother and sister. Years ago, and before we lived together things were alright.

I'd pay for my car entirely (she didn't drive back then and doesn't drive now) which was fine + she'd offer to take the bus if I ever wanted her to (which I always declined), and when we were both in school we were pretty equal paying for dates (almost everything we did was free though).

It's definitely more a recent 1 year thing since she moved in, except the whole religion thing, and the unrelelvant asking for raises

Free_Fishing_5116 wrote:

I get the feeling that she's checked out of the relationship unfortunately - don't act shocked or blindsided when she breaks up, she's probably just getting her ducks in a row...or with all the "extra" things she thinks she's doing, she might think - with her parent' support - that you should be at least engaged now. Be ready for the other shoe to drop.

OP responded:

She does agree with her parents that couples should get engaged quickly (Her parents were fully married within weeks of meeting each other through their parents at Church). But her and I agreed that we wouldn't get married till we were both done our degrees and in stable jobs, we never really argued about that either.

She is very traditional like her parents and Christian like them, but not as much. She doesn't go to Church unless we are visiting them, even though I told her I'd be more than happy to drive her to Church if she wanted to go, or go with her if she didn't want to go by herself (None of our mutual friends go to Church or are Christian either) but she has always said no.

Idk what ducks she could put in a row, since she saves nearly nothing like I do but another commenter said she might just be staying till she gets her degree, and her parents used to pay for the majority of her rent before we lived together, but don't now. So I imagine they might if she found a roommate they approve of somewhere else.

Neverdiequasiwarrior wrote:

The couch thing was your fault, you should’ve stood your ground and got a hotel, then only let one of them use the guest room because they deserve it for being bad hosts. Your gf is using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing her fair share of the cooking. If you want her and her parents to walk all over you for the rest of your life keep up the good work, but obviously the right call is to get a better roommate.

OP responded:

The thing is with the cooking, she actually does know how to cook and is pretty good at it, she just stopped cooking when she moved in, because she would rather I cook, or was too busy with her classwork, or too tired from work, and it sort of became just me doing it. She's probably a better cook than I am.

Not long after posting, OP shared another small update.

UPDATE: I am currently deciding to do two things as comments have suggested:

A) Spend a week doing everything for myself, by myself. Watch what I please, make just my own food, and finally take the classes I have been waiting for her to agree to (pottery, baking, etc) and just do my own thing and see how she treats it. My main fear being that she will just see this as petty, and that I'm doing the same thing as I almost did to her parents in my last post.

B) Try and talk to her one more time about all of this, which most likely she won't be receptive to. Tell her how I feel, what I want in a relationship and needs to change if it wants to work. I obviously fear she will break up with me for that, but if she does it's probably for the best.

UPDATE**: I think I will choose A. Try and give her a slight taste of her medicine, and then bring up how i've felt. Maybe she will understand better once she sees me doing my own thing?

The comments kept coming.

ToastetteEgg wrote:

I think you did a brave thing admitting you were wrong and petty, and that shows that you are willing to change and learn for a better relationship. Huge gain in your personal growth and to be lauded.

The way your girlfriend is behaving (punitively and coldly) after you reaching out to her for a closer and more equitable relationship is a red flag, and you should put any thought of marriage on the back burner for now. She too needs to show growth and maturity.

OP responded:

Thank you, I try to hold myself accountable but I'm obviously still very much growing as a person, even in ways that I should have grown in by now at my age. I definitely am not thinking of marriage atm.

But it was going to be a topic once she got her degree but yea I'm not so sure on atm, especially if I can't connect to her parents that I'm not religious, since I know the wedding wouldn't be approved of by them, and a ton of stress would be added.

Even if she does need to show growth and maturity, what should I do in the mean time? This situation sucks for me and it feels like she's a roommate, and whenever I try to talk to her she pretends nothings wrong and won't respond.

Anoodood wrote:

Your gf has the same old fashioned views that her parents do. As the Christian man she deep down wants you to be, it’s your job to take care of her while she gets treated like a princess. And now that you’ve pushed back on her and her parents, she’s giving you the silent treatment.

She was hoping you’d cave to her parents the same way she made you cave and spend the night on that dam couch.

My dude, RUN! NTA.

OP responded:

That's what I'm confused about. She is definitely traditional, but her parents seem pretty equal (of course she knows more about them than I do)

She seemed very receptive to me apologizing, but once I talked to her she's been cold since.

[deleted] wrote:

Because she was happy and comfortable with the way thing were before, even if you weren’t. Now that you’ve stood up for yourself, she’s punishing you. I’m sorry but the fact that she made you sleep on that uncomfortable couch knowing dam well your back was going to hurt just to please her parents, tells me everything about how she sees your relationship.

She’s not gonna start acting like her old self until you go back to acting like the doormat she wants you to be. Sorry OP. She’s showing you who she really is.

OP responded:

Yeah her and her parents both knew that I have medical back issues, which really felt dismissive, especially after I was more than happy to get a hotel as a compromise

Maybe you an everyone are right that she only sees me as a doormat now.

She wasn't always like this, I promise she was much better before we moved in together which is why this is all so weird to me