'AITA for being angry my wife dated my brother in the past and they never mentioned it?' + WILD UPDATE
"AITA for being pissed my wife dated my brother before we were married and never mentioned it?"
My (50 ish m) wife (50 ish f) have been married 20+ years. My brother’s (45 ish m) wife (45 ish f), my SIL, recently disclosed at a family dinner that my brother had a date(s) with my wife several weeks before we started dating. I never knew. They kept it a secret all these years. I realize it is ancient history, but we have had our marriage issues like every couple over the years.
I feel pain, violated, and almost irrationally angry that this “secret” was common knowledge in my family, but I was clueless. I don’t know how physical it was, but the implication by my SIL was they were intimate. My wife and I already sleep apart. I am thinking of ending it with her over this. I was a fool for half my life to everyone close to me. I feel like they are all a$$ 🕳️s.
From my parents (who said they thought I knew) to my siblings who all knew, I want no contact (at least for awhile).
He then shared some more relevant info in the comments.
She claims it was all innocent. Coffee in the daytime only. My brother said he was just doing good natured brotherly joking last night. We do give each other sh!t all the time. He confirmed just coffee and only platonic. “Nothing happened” so I should just let it go.
It wasn’t the ‘before we were married’ part that upset me. We both have a past. But not mentioning it for 20+ years that irks me. Maybe I’m tilting at windmills. I own my emotions. It felt, in the moment, deceptive and exacerbated our trust issues.
What do you think? AITA? Commenters weighed in:
Effectivqw3rtq wrote:
NTA. But I have a feeling this is not the first time some sh!t has popped up between you and you're wife. SIL knows this and is adding fuel to the fire.
And OP responded:
Ding ding ding. She stirs the pot for everyone. My turn in the stew this time (again). Think she is a little angry over it too but represses it, and stirred me up to drive a wedge to get at my wife. So complicated.
Fit_Cherry7133 wrote:
I know you might not want to hear this, but is it possible that your feelings on this are exacerbated by you and your wife not being intimate recently?
And OP responded:
Absolutely. It is mutual though. She and I have drifted apart over the years. I’m not looking for an excuse. I def have my own issues and she hers. We just live separately under the same roof. She was a wonderful mother to our kids. We are polar opposite political views now. I changed a lot. She went harder the other way. Not the point of this post but we are very different now.
Quiet-Survey27 wrote:
NTA- having a secret held like that behind your back for so long feels like a betrayal. Mainly by your wife. I wonder if maybe the other members of your family thought she told you and didn’t feel like it was their place to step in and mention it? Can completely understand your need for distance though.
And OP responded:
Thanks. My SIL and I have had our differences over the years too. A little smug smile on her face when she dropped that grenade casually. She knew what she was doing. I’m grateful she did it honestly but she knew what would happen too.
Whiskeybent_68 wrote:
It's not the act... but the withholding of info that would upset me.
And OP responded:
That’s what burns me. My brother has good taste (minus the SIL, lol). I probably still would have dated/married her even if they were intimate. I was head over heels (back then). Dumb as a young man can be. I’ve grown. Raised our kids. We are very very different ppl now. So lots of other widgets that make this a one sided post in terms of marriage or divorce.
Commenters agreed: NTA.
After talking to his brother, OP shared this truly wild update:
talked on the phone to my brother. They were intimate regularly. More than a “few” times. Was more FWB, close down the street where they lived. She was pregnant very shortly after we started dating. We got married pretty quick. It was exciting. Recently he told his wife, my SIL, and she was upset about it so she outed them to me/the family. He apologized to me. Said he wished he had told me.
My bro/SIL have their own problems. My wife won’t pick up the phone. I already had trust issues from things she has done in our relationship in her mid 40’s. She “missed out” on sowing her oats, having our kids, SAH mom, so she got a boob job, hit the gym and let her freak flag fly. It was a phase and she got over it. We worked through it with counseling.
Not ok with this but I think of it like an illness I supported her through. But trust is an issue. A little tiny tickle in the back of my brain saying “What if?”I don’t want to do that dance again. It was awful for us both. I am a workaholic. I acknowledge prioritizing my job over her.
But she likes the upper middle class status. We both have our failings. Can’t get into all our therapy issues in one post. Update again after I talk to her. I’m taking a sick day from the rest of work today.
After this update, many commenters suggested that his son might not be biologically his. To this, OP responded:
He is mine. Whether biology dictates otherwise, I don’t care. I don’t want him to ever be exposed to this if I can help it we are very close.
In another comment, he added:
If he's not mine, I wouldn’t want to know at this point. I love him no matter what. He is an adult. I raised him. He did nothing to deserve this (if he is not my biological son). I won’t get a test.
Ooof, what a mess! What would you do?