'AITA for being upset that my spouse bought the car he wanted?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for being upset that my spouse bought the car he wanted?"
My(31F) husband(32M) bought a car today after we specifically had agreed to wait to purchase it. We spoke last night about our finances and how he's currently trying to pay off credit card debt that he accumulated. He mentioned wanting to buy an electric vehicle, and I told him that a car payment would basically give him very little wiggle room once the bills are paid, etc.
To top it off, I just took out a 15k loan to replace our AC system that needs to be replaced. Like I said, we had talked about it last night. To which he says to me "you're right, I should wait to pay off my debt before buying a car." I felt relieved and figured that was the end of the conversation.
Fast forward to this morning, he tells me he purchased the car he wanted online. I'm shook because, what the hell, we just talked about this? He tells me he doesn't feel like waiting, and he's making a choice for the family. I called BS.
I said I felt extremely disappointed and disregarded. A vehicle purchase is a big deal in my opinion. He said I was wrong for overreacting and he's now more or less ignoring my texts. He says it's not a big deal to buy a car, and basically minimized the entire situation.
I am quite literally fuming. My mom was kind enough to call me an idiot for not considering a divorce. Am I wrong? Are big purchases like that normal for other couples? I feel nauseous and stuck, and I don't know how to come to terms with something like this. To add, this is not the first time I'm disregarded, but it's the first time I'm questioning whether my reaction is not the correct one.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
mutualbuttsqueezin wrote:
He's a selfish a$$. That is a huge purchase that should be agreed upon. "Making a choice for the family" no, he's being a controlling dick, and from the sounds of it, financially irresponsible. If your mom is telling you divorce, well, she would know better than us.
OP responded:
Thank you so much for your insight, I appreciate it. For a second there, I was questioning my sanity.
Resident_Traffic5962 wrote:
You're 100% right, but let him find out...I hope you have a separate bank accounts. Let him live with his "family choice."
OP responded:
I appreciate you for your reply! Yes, we do have separate accounts, thankfully.
Anoomanoo wrote:
Did he factor in charging it at at your home? Or is that something you already have?
OP responded:
He broke the news to me through text, so I'm not 100% sure what his game plan is. But it's not something we have at home.
[deleted] wrote:
Info: Does he already have a car? If so is it old and falling apart and necessary to replace? Was it sold/can be sold to help offset the new car? What's the story behind the 15k loan? Did you both discuss this or did you decide by yourself?
Was this A/C unit absolutely necessary to replace or did you only want to replace it? By that I mean are summers in your area brutal or just hot? Arizona heat is brutal where an actual A/C is necessary but in New York you can survive with just a $50 room fan.
OP responded:
Unfortunately last summer we had to fix the ac 3 times. And it was the 3rd year that it broke down. When we went to turn on the heater in the winter, it didn't work either. We have brutal desert heat, so we had decided to use our tax refund to replace the AC since we had tried time and again to fix it.
Obviously, a replacement was more than our tax refund, so i took our a personal loan to cover the rest of the cost. He has a car, and he has a truck. But he also has a commute. I told him I completely understood his need to save on gas, but I really wanted him to pay off his credit card debts beforehand. I was under the impression we were on the same page, but apparently not.
A little over a year later, OP shared an update.
To be honest, since my post a year ago, my life has more or less crumbled. My husband and I have divorced, and it was finalized just this past month. Everything feels almost like a blur, and I don't think I've really sat down and fully processed everything that happened.
Some context that I didn't add to my last post: my ex and I do have two children. He did also have a second job at the time. His work schedule was as follows: day job was from 9 am to 6 pm and his night job was from 10 pm to 6 am.
I absolutely hated his work schedule; he was barely ever home, he was always tired, and he didn't spend much time with the kids. But his finances were pretty crap and he was drowning himself in debt. This was a point of contention for me because I had already helped him to get out of credit card debt several times before, but he always managed to rack the card back up.
At the time he bought the card, I had taken out that 15k loan for the a/c system, and I had told him we had a year to pay it off interest-free. This became, in my opinion, the beginning of the end. He quickly told me that he couldn't help me pay anything towards the a/c because his tesla payment was 1k per month.
And then it happened. Two months into having his car, he totaled it. It took months for the insurance to process his claim, but he had to continue making the payments. All the while, I had sent more than half of what little I had in savings so that I could finish paying off the a/c before the year was up.
On top of all this, I had taken on the role of super mom. I was beyond exhausted. All of the household chores became my responsibility as well as caring for our children. Thankfully, my parents were a great help to me during this time and would watch my youngest child while I worked during the day. At the time, my youngest wasn't even a year old yet.
Eventually, everything started falling apart at the seams. We argued a lot because we were both so exhausted. Our finances were horrific. I remember looking at my bank account, and I only had $34 dollars in it. My eldest cried to my mom one day while I was at work and said she was sad that I never played with her because I was always cleaning or cooking or working.
She asked my mom if I still loved her because I never spent time with her because I was always so busy. I bawled my eyes out that day when my mom told me. I started to realize that things weren't working. I kept trying to communicate that I needed help. That I was tired. That I couldn't live like this anymore.
Eventually, s#$t hit the fan. And I felt like it was a sign that our marriage was doomed. It was done. I said to him "I'd rather divorce you now while i still love and respect you than later on down the road when we hate each other and then we damage our kids along the way because we're so angry."
After some back and forth, he agreed, and I filed everything myself. I also emptied out whatever savings I had to pay for all the fees. I have since then moved in with my parents, and I rent a room in their house.
The divorce was as drama free as we could possibly make it. We get along pretty well and have decided to keep a civil relationship for our kids. One thing that I did find hilarious in this entire situation was that our divorce was finalized on April 1st. When I got the paperwork, I told him, "damn, even the legal system thought our marriage was a joke." He didn't laugh though. (Lol)
I can breathe a little easier. But I can say with 100% certainty that I have a lot to process and I need to put some serious work on myself as a person. I don't wish ill on my ex. I hope he lives the life he chooses to the fullest. We want different things in our lives, and our priorities did not match. Still, I hope he finds happiness.
Anyhow, that's my update. Thank you guys for reading! Take care of yourselves out there!
TL;DR: We divorced.
The comments kept coming in.
PirateQuest wrote:
"Day job was from 9 am to 6 pm and his night job was from 10 pm to 6 am."
Every day? M-F? That would kill most people.
"I absolutely hated his work schedule; he was barely ever home, he was always tired, and he didn't spend much time with the kids."
Duh. If I worked those hours I would literally not do anything except sleep and eat at home.
OP responded:
Yes, I agree. I never wanted him to get a second job. He kept insisting that he didn't make enough. But once he got the second job, his spending also went up. It was a vicious cycle and I was always so worried because his health got worse along with his finances. He worked the day job 5 days a week and the night job 4 nights a week.
dibidibidoo wrote:
A cybertruck, wasn’t it?
OP responded:
Oh dear god, no. Sadly, it wasn't because he thought it was ugly, it was because he couldn't afford the monthly payments.
EmergencyShit wrote:
PLEASE tell me you’re not legally on the hook for his CC or Tesla debt.
OP responded:
No, I'm not, whew! He never had a doubt that the debt he accumulated was his own doing, and he took responsibility for it. What's sad is that in the past, I had brought his CC to zero for three years in a row. But his behavior never changed.