'AITA for berating my daughter's step mom over how she treated my daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for berating my daughter's step mom?"

My (46F) daughter, Katy (17F), doesn't get along well with her father, Sam (51M), and his wife Denise (32F). Sam and Denise have 3 young children together and Denise has a history of treating the younger children very differently than my daughter. Things like different rules or privileges, obviously better treatment on holidays and birthdays, etc.

Due to this, my daughter stopped having a filter regarding her feelings about the things they do that upset her after she turned 16. I think that her feelings are justified and she shouldn't have to pretend that things they do don't upset her.

She expresses her feelings with her words, in a productive way, explaining what action bothered her and why (she's been in therapy for years due to a variety of reasons, including abandonment issues related to her father).

Sam and Denise say that she's rude and disrespectful and she shouldn't talk to him that way because he's her father. (I strongly disagree because being someone's parent does not give you a free pass to do things that are upsetting to that person.)

As you could imagine, Katy standing up for herself has led to any remaining relationship she has with Sam and Denise deteriorating over time. Today, Katy was cruising through Facebook and saw a post that Denise posted YESTERDAY saying that Sam is in the hospital and it could be pretty serious.

She called me at work, very upset that nobody had contacted her. Since Denise didn't reach out to her, Katy didn't think that she would get a response if she messaged Denise so she didn't. As you can imagine, I was (am) absolutely LIVID!!

I went to the group chat I have with them and immediately told Denise that she needs to reach out to Katy and tell her what is going on IMMEDIATELY. She replied saying that there's a lot going on right now and Sam doesn't need the stress. First of all, it has been over 24 hours since the post at that point. Surely she could've found 2 minutes to contact Katy since she had the time to post it on social media.

Second, how EXACTLY does it stress Sam if YOU tell his daughter about his health issues?? No ma'am, that's bull💩. I immediately expressed to her that making his child find out about this from social media was wildly unacceptable and I shouldn't have to reach out and tell her to have basic human decency!

I then went back to work for a few hours. I reached out to Katy about 5pm and asked if Denise had messaged her yet and she said no. I messaged the group again and told Denise that it's been HOURS since I reached out to her about contacting Katy and that intentionally withholding information about her father is easily the most malicious things I've EVER witnessed one person do to another.

For anyone wondering why Katy doesn't reach out to Denise, she's basically just gave up on them treating her like family and thinks any attempt at contact would be ignored. I am pushing the issue because I know that deep down she really is worried about this and wants to be told.

Someone I don't even know messaged me and said that I'm a B**** for going after Denise about this while she's upset about her husband being in the hospital. AITA for trying to force Denise to give Katy ANY information? As of this moment, Katy doesn't even know if he's still in the hospital or not, why he went to the hospital, if he's OK, nothing!

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Zakatyu said:

If I were Katy I would go to the post and comment: Wow, this is how you decided to tell me that my father has some serious health issues, thanks Denise "

You're clearly NTA OP.

OP responded:

She didn't but I did! 😁

kimmysharma said:

Honestly this is all on your daughters father. He sets the tone for how his daughter is treated in his house. You saying anything will not change the situation at all. The most you can do is be there for your daughter

OP responded:

You're probably right. I knew that saying something probably wouldn't do any good but I couldn't sit back and watch my daughter just accept this treatment of her. She's his child too. Everyone in my and my long term boyfriend's families have expressed that we are here if she needs anything.

My mother has offered to take her on the 8 hour trip to go see him if she wants to because she understands that even if they don't treat her like family, she still loves him. It doesn't make up for their treatment of her but I don't want their rejection of her to affect her sense of self worth.

IllustratorNew8801 said:

She can't deal with the stress of telling his daughter but she can post on Facebook for sympathy points? Your daughter doesn't give them enough sh!t. NTA.

And WolverineNo8799 said:

NTA step mom had time to post on SM to get sympathy yet she couldn't even message her husband's oldest child to her know, or even call. Step Mom is totally in the wrong.

She later shared this update:

Katy did send a message to Denise about an hour ago and asked about her dad but did not get a reply. She called the hospital about 20 minutes ago and they didn't tell her anything about why he was there but said he's been released and is no longer a patient. Maybe it was just a post to get attention and sympathy but in my opinion, that makes putting my daughter through all this even worse.

Thank you guys for the replies (everyone except that one). I've sent the post to Katy so she could see all the encouraging responses.

After Katy called the hospital, Denise sent a small response to her message and said why he'd went. I know some people think I'm wrong, and I see why you feel that way. However, the fact is that Denise intentionally let Katy have anxiety about her father all day just to force her to message her directly. That is manipulative and emotionally abusive.

The only animosity I have with Sam and Denise is in regard to their treatment of Katy. I don't have some 'axe to grind'. I have been very friendly to them both over the years. I threw Denise a party for her first birthday after her marriage to Sam. I went to her house and helped her when she was in labor with their second child. And it went both ways.

When I went 2 months without a job, they bought me groceries. We were all friends until Katy started telling her dad that things he did hurt her. She had discussed it with her therapist and he told her to talk to him about it. Sam was immediately very angry at me for talking sh!t about him, but I hadn't done that.

Some of the things she was upset about were things he did that I wasn't even there to witness so there's no way I could've told her to be mad at him about it. I have told them when they've been wrong but I also tell Katy when she's wrong. I have always treated both sides equally until today.