'AITA for blocking my mom after she told me she had cancer?'

"AITA for blocking my mom after she told me she had cancer?"

Looking for some outside perspective here. Thank you in advance for hanging in. Here's some background for context. I (44F) have not had a good relationship with my mom (63F) since I was a teenager and her husband (then boyfriend) inserted himself which made things worse.

It was to the point I spent most of my teenage years in foster care which ended up being one of the best things in my life. My mom was toxic and unpacking my childhood is not what I am here for. After reaching adulthood, I moved back to the area to be closer to my family.

My mother has always held me at arm's length and the only time I felt she was somewhat proud of me was when I bought my house (I am a single mom of 5 kids with little to no help so this was huge for me). However, this seems to have been the extent of her affection toward me.

I have two younger brothers who are significantly younger than I am (36 and 34) but the youngest seems to be the golden child. She would do just about anything for him, he never does any wrong, can treat the family like crap and she'll back him, etc., while my other brother and I are treated more like an inconvenience. She rarely talks to either of us, but communication with me is almost non-existent.

This has caused many arguments throughout the years as I have time and time again brought up how major life events in the family should have been communicated with me yet I continuously end up being the last for everything unless someone else from the family reaches out; this includes deaths in my family and some my mom didn't even tell me about so was shocked as heck when I would be at the funeral.

My children are all a little older (3 are adults and two teenagers still living at home with me) and she doesn't see any of them and never built relationships with them while they were growing up despite being about a 15-20 drive from her house.

She never comes over, never invites us over unless it's something like Christmas where she has to make it look good because so many other family members will be there and then complains about how my kids are awkward around the family. Hmm, ever thought that it's because you hold events all the time and not invite us? They don't know the family so what would you expect?

Her reasoning when they were younger was because "I should be home taking care of my kids rather than attending family functions." Umm, excuse you? I recall when I was a teenager, you expected me to be your live-in nanny so you could spend all night with your now husband and never allowed me to leave the house because my responsibility was with my brothers.

My oldest has her blocked because she says some pretty nasty things about the way he chooses to live his life. All of my children have made comments about the way she treats me when we have seen her such as snide comments about me or finding ways to put me down. My current bf is over it and said he's ready to put her in her place if he has to listen to her say one more nasty thing to or about me.

The event that I am here for has a little bit of build-up on top of the years of this I have gone through. My youngest brother and his gf were pregnant. I find out from receiving a baby registry in the mail from them in November.

On the notice, there is a photo of them holding a baby football jersey in my mom's house with my brother's last name on it (which is different from both my and my mom's names because I have a different dad from my brothers) and she was due two months later. My only thought was "really, no one could pick up a phone?" but I tried to let it go and just continued on with life.

Then, March 5, I get a message from my mom in a group text with my naturally born girls, that she had surgery the day before to remove cancer. It went on to say that it was stage 1 and that they believed they caught it all and no need for chemo. I didn't even know what to say so I just didn't respond.

Was I happy that my mom was okay? Absolutely, at the end of the day she's still my mom and I love her but I was still hurt that she didn't say anything until after. This isn't the only major medical situation she's had which also affects my medical history records because I find out well after and they are things my doctors should know.

I am normally healthy but then I will get sideswiped with something that pops up and after I am treated my mom says "oh, I had that, it's hereditary." Umm, thanks for not telling me...Here is where I snapped.

I received a message in the same group chat last week (that excludes my sons) about one of my cousins having delivered a baby. I was over it and responded that I didn't even know she was pregnant.

My mom's response was that had I been a Christmas, I would have known and that my first clue should have been that her due date was on the family calendar (a calendar my mom has made the last few years and hands out at Christmas like this is supposed to be my form of communication for everything going on with the family when I don't have time to look at like it's a lifeline).

Also, side note, I was there right after Christmas with one of my kids and his gf because he was home for the holidays and likely the last time my mom was going to see him for a while because he's in the military and being moved overseas.

I lost it. I went off on her about how I was sorry that I was such an inconvenience to the family and I should have asked the deer I hit right before Christmas with two of my kids in the car with me to hold off until after Christmas so that I could attend.

She told me that phones work both ways and I told her that they do so she can share that with my youngest brother also and that perhaps she should have thought about picking it up when she found out she might have cancer.

I was told she didn't share this with anyone because she didn't want to be surrounded my people "freaking out" and that she was waiting until she had "good news" to share before she told anyone. I was then once again accused of making things about me instead of just being happy for everyone.

I told her that I wasn't making this about me and that it has to do with everyone's relationships with each other and until she realizes this, we will never see eye to eye. That she truly doesn't know what type of person I am that if she thought I was going to be "freaking out" rather than just being there as a support.

I went on to ask what would have happened had the "good news" never came. Asked her if we would have just continued on blind, deaf and dumb while her and her husband continued living in their little hole, suffering silently rather than getting support from loved ones who would have been there in a manner they needed during a life-threatening illness like this.

I then told her I was happy for everyone, but this wasn't the first time she has accused me of being selfish when I am probably one of the most selfless people I know instead of looking at the whole picture to see how her actions or inactions result in reactions she receives.

That this message was goodbye for now and then I blocked her so I do not know if she ever responded and I am not pulling my kids into this to see if she did. I've had a strained relationship with her most of my life. I had already gone low contact up to this point because the amount of stress that comes with any communication with her is too much for me.

This isn't for lack of trying either, I used to try to call her and spend time with her but I was always shut out. My youngest brother was the same way so I just stopped trying. Now that I have, she blames it on me and justifies not communicating with me.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that finding out you have something like cancer is a huge life changing event, but sending it in a group chat really is a slap in the face when I'm your daughter and, despite all our problems, I still care.

The way I see it is that I need to protect my peace but it still weighs on me because she is my mom no matter what. So, here I am, asking you AITA for blocking my mom after she told me she had cancer?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Forward_Release3463 said:

NTA when people like this tell you stuff like this it’s a lie to get them to contact you again. After I disowned my narcissistic birth giver this is one of the things she tried to get me back. But it was obviously a lie, and it was just so funny.

She thought I would believe her. for people like her it’s acceptable to not love them. When I realized my birth giver acted like she didn’t love me. I didn’t love her back. Don’t listen to anyone telling you that you need to consider her “feeling."

GelatinousMonkey said:

NTA, and I’d just walk away from the situation. It’s not worth your time, effort or the stress if causes. Sometimes people just suck, and DNA doesn’t define true family.

Majestic-Wrangler619 said:

I’m so sorry for the whole situation. You are NTA for this but not alone. I have friends and family under the same cloud that never had the strength to stand up for themselves. You Will probably be healthier and happier for your decision since you can’t change people.