'AITA for blowing up at my wife over my daughter's school picture?' UPDATED

"AITA for blowing up at my wife over my daughter's school picture?"

I (60M) have been married to my wife (51F) for around 15 years. We also have a beautiful daughter named Hayoung (17F) , who is in her junior year of high school. Yesterday after school, Hayoung (pronounced Ha-young) came up to me and my wife and showed me her school pictures, both her individual photo and her group/grade photo.

They were taken all the way back in February, but they had just arrived today. I complimented Hayoung and told her how beautiful she looked in the photos, before telling her how proud I was to see her grow up throughout the ages, before showing my wife the pictures of our daughter.

It did not go the way I thought/hoped it would go. Instead of looking at it for a bit before saying something, my wife immediately pointed out to Hayoung that she was looking "too downward" at the camera and that her eyes looked strained/forced. I was a bit taken aback at first, but I decided to just keep listening.

My wife then said to my daughter that "she would have to have rehearsals for school pictures with her for next year," because in my wife's words "Hayoung still doesn't understand how to properly pose, smile and look beautiful for a school picture." I was a bit irritated, but I let it slide.

What set me off though, was my wife then said "Hayoung's picture is a fail. Honestly, Melissa looks the prettiest out of everyone." Hayoung got quiet and said "I'm gonna be honest, my picture this year is really bad compared to sophomore year."

I got mad that evening. We had a huge argument in the living room. I told my wife that she was being cruel to our daughter and since school pictures were over, there was no point being so picky over it. My wife retaliated, saying that "Even Hayoung says that she doesn't like how she looks in her school picture."

"I was just being honest! I'm only trying to help her!" She then went into her room and started crying, saying that I don't understand her. I will admit, I raised my voice while we were having that argument and I'm seriously sitting here questioning myself about whether I was the ahole or not.

After our argument, I knocked on Hayoung's door and I could tell by her expression that she had listened to every piece of the argument. I feel bad because I may have overreacted to something as simple as school pictures. Plus, I ruined my daughter's evening and my wife's too. And I also made my wife cry. So, AITA?

Later, OP edited the post to include:

This is not the first time my wife has said something like this. This is why I feel even more terrible because I let my daughter suffer like this. I did give my wife a word or two, but I always told Hayoung that this was just the way she spoke and that she really did love her.

I really want to cry right now, especially overhearing Hayoung crying herself to sleep yesterday night. She always kept on a brave face around me and my wife, but it just breaks me even more, now knowing she feels like she can't talk to me either. I've failed her.Hayoung always asked me every morning if she looked beautiful.

She would always ask at mealtimes if she was eating too much. I'm so afraid of the damage we both put her through for so long. I'm so scared she's going to develop am eating disorder and I'm going to make sure to set things straight with my wife and take care of my daughter better. She is always my first priority.

I was taken off guard even though my wife has made responses like this in the past, because though it's not the first time, I had a little bit of hope left that she wouldn't point out Hayoung's appearance that outright in her school photo.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

BulbasaurRanch said:

Tears don’t make a person right. Your wife is a cruel woman and not a good mother, based on what you’ve shared here today. I suspect your daughter will have a distant relationship with her mother in her adult years. 100% your wife’s fault.

I bet she counts the days until she can be away from a person like her. That woman is doing harm to your daughters self esteem. You did right by protecting your daughter. It’s terrible when her own mother is her biggest bully. Does your wife complain about the way her own mother treats her? Is her mother very critical? NTA.

Confident_Macaron_15 said:

NTA - your wife hates herself, and has now made SURE to pass that down to your daughter. This generational cycle will continue. I suggest you get your daughter started with therapy so she can try and heal some of the damage your wife has done. All the best to you and your family.

Hoistedonyrownpetard said:

NTA. You probably could’ve handled it better but the damage done to girls in the name of “just helping” them be someone’s arbitrary version of attractive is absolutely devastating.

One has to study and practice for so many things in life. School photos are not among them. Attractiveness is subjective, multifaceted and often rooted in a person’s own self-confidence. It’s also not the most important thing about someone.

PokeytheGwumph said:

NTA—as someone who grew up with a mother who always had me retake my school pictures because I was “smirking” or didn’t have my hair right, or wasn’t smiling big enough, I wish my dad would’ve stood up for me. I grew up thinking my smile was ugly, because I genuinely thought I was smiling nicely in the pictures. My smile wasn’t ugly; my mom’s opinion of it was ugly.

Outrageous_922 said:

NTA - your wife was unnecessarily cruel. High school is such a challenging time in a girl’s life - and with everything going on with social media - girls are already critical of themselves. Your wife should’ve been more kind and understanding.

If she had nothing nice to say, she should’ve kept her pie hole shut. And rehearsals??? What in the AF ? It’s a school photo - not a modeling portfolio. I can only wonder, if your wife is that way with your daughter, how does she treat you? Absolutely NTA.

THROWRA_MillyBee said:

NTA. As someone with a judgmental mother that made comments like that (and still does), growing up I realized I didn’t have daddy issues, I had mommy issues (and still kinda do). Your mom can be your greatest hater, more than any bully at school, because she’s the one person you’d expect to vouch for you.

I also have a sister and constantly feeling like I was being compared to her was tough on our relationship. We’re fine now but it took so much for us to realize we didn’t hate each other, we just spent our whole lives being compared to each other and that’s what caused our animosity.

Even though she felt like her comments were trying to help her, they do more damage than one might think. Obviously arguments can be resolved in a different manner but you were angry, you were standing up for your daughter, rightfully so. You can always apologize for raising your voice while also standing firm on your beliefs.

amansterdam22 said:

NTA. Your wife is being horrible. I guarantee your daughter is going to have trouble with her confidence and self esteem as a result of her mother's emphasis on her looks. Please continue to be the opposite of your wife. If this was a boy, would she be so critical? Probably not.

Fancy_Belt_7460 said:

NTA. This is so sad. Your daughter is lucky to have a dad who loves her and shows that in word and action. I hope she is able to focus on that instead of on her mother's criticism. In her own way, your wife may be trying to protect your daughter or help her excel, but this is not the way to do that. If your wife wants to offer constructive criticism, it should come only after praise.

UPDATE:

After my wife left for work, I decided to check up on my daughter. She was in her room doing homework and I could tell by the forced expression that she was not okay. As she talked, everything began to make sense. My daughter overheard her mother shaming her in front of the other church moms.

She heard them boasting about their kids and her mother would use "condescending modesty" e.g "She's gained weight and she doesn't even study hard." She was tired of trying to surpass my wife's expectations. She couldn't stand it when my wife was in the house. She asked me "Why am I her diamond? She cuts me to make me "shine." How more of this should I take?"

I prepared her all the foods I promised to make and she was hesitant but ate a lot more than when my wife was around. She wanted to further talk with me.I then asked if she wanted me to tell my wife how she felt.

Hayoung said "it was the only way to get her to listen", before telling me she wants me to get a divorce. I asked her if she was absolutely sure, as it was something very serious. She said she was fine with it. I'm just devastated it has reached this point.

When Hayoung was at school, I had a conversation with my wife. I brought up Hayoung's concerns, along with mine. I asked my wife what made her put down my daughter on the day of the school picture incident.

She made excuses such as having bad days, hence she'd "accidentally" release her anger and other emotions by yelling, the silent treatment etc. I questioned further if there was anything in the past that was bothering her, which she replied snarkily, "Nothing is bothering me. I raised her into a better person.

If you have problems with how I'm raising her, she's all yours. I don't want to argue anymore, especially with a sensitive lazy person like you." We had a lot of arguments in the past on raising Hayoung. This phrase was used in all of our arguments to shut me up.

As Hayoung was consistently used as an emotional punching bag and a trophy for my wife, this was the last straw. I told my wife "We were done", then told her to pack up and leave.I "thanked" her for letting me realise my self worth. After some time had passed, she had driven to her parents' house and was staying there for a bit.

When Hayoung came back, she noticed her mom's room was a lot barer than it was and knew what had happened. I hugged Hayoung and told her I was sorry for the mess I had caused, before reassuring her that nothing was her fault.

I told her my ex wife would come back a few more times to collect the rest of her stuff, but our relationship was over. This event shook me up a lot, but I know things will get better. I'm trying to make Hayoung always feel loved. Hayoung, you are my universe and that will never change.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

30Helenssayfckoff said:

You showed your kid that she is worth protecting, and that she deserves to be loved as she is. It's such a valuable thing for her to know. You've opened a path for her to live on her own terms. Excellent job.

ScienceApprehensive7 said:

Oh man! This made me balll crying!!! YOU ARE A GREAT DAD!!! I am sorry for the break down of your relationship with your wife but nothing can replace the relationship & bond you are forming with your daughter. She will never forget this and cherish her father. Doesn't matter how old she is.. every child wants love and support from their parent(s).

Skankyho1 said:

Good on you for doing what is best for your daughter and for yourself.

Efficient-Jacket-386 said:

Congratulations on putting your daughter first! Well done! I'm sure better things will come in the future for you both.

Rabbidditty said:

I wish your wife was able to see how much damage she has caused, to her daughter, to you, and to herself. When she couldn't do that, you did the right thing and stood up for your daughter and yourself.

You did the right thing. May you and your daughter find peace, and may your ex hopefully begin to understand what she has done and do what she can to correct her mistakes.

JojoSpector said:

Congratulations for stepping up for you and your daughter!! I will say, please try to have a conversation with your ex wife or her family. Let them know the situation and that while YOUR relationship with her is over...

If your ex wife takes the steps to be kinder and better herself then she can have a relationship with Hayoung in the future. Completely cutting them off could lead to problems down the line so make sure the situation is known so she can’t flip it around on you