'AITA for blowing up on my husband’s friend after her wife died?'

Grief affects everyone differently, and generally, if someone's going through a time of intense grief, it's best to give them some grace. However, there's a limit to everything.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for snapping at her husband's grieving friend. She wrote:

"AITA for blowing up on my husband’s friend after her wife died?"

My (36f) husband Ian (44m) is close friends with a woman named Jenna. They’ve been friends for a long time, before Ian and I got together, so I know her fairly well too but we really have nothing in common and we’re not exactly friends.

Jenna’s wife Laura very sadly and somewhat suddenly passed in early March (she was terminally ill but responding to treatment very well and was expected to survive another 2-5 years).

She’s been leaning on Ian heavily for support which I understand but she’s been at our house every single day since & even sleeping in our guest room most nights because she doesn’t want to be home alone. which would be okay except she is getting more and more passive aggressive towards me and weirdly territorial of Ian.

I’ve reminded myself that I don’t think I could stand to see a happy couple for months if I lost Ian and to be patient, it’s not personal. My birthday was on Sunday. I got home Saturday after a morning out and Jenna was there. I was making small talk when i asked Ian what time he made dinner reservations for the next day.

Jenna inserted herself right here and asked Ian if he was going to be out the next day and he said yes. She started panicking and saying that he couldn’t and she wasn’t ready to spend an evening alone. I was going to tell her that she could still hang out here while we gone and she looked at me and said “don’t you have any f#$king friends you can go with?”

And I just blew tf up…. “don’t you have any other f#$king friends you can go bother?” and so on; she called me selfish for “monopolizing my husband” and I had enough and told her to get the f#$k out of my house and not to come back, ever.

Ian had been trying to calm things down between us but it spiraled out of control fast and he ended up escorting Jenna out and telling her that he’d come visit her in a few days but he would be backing my decision because of how she spoke to me.

I was happy for his support and still am but it’s been a few days and I just feel bad all around about it. I should’ve been more understanding of her but I also feel like she should treat me more respectfully and I’m not really sure if I overreacted.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

sailingseas25 wrote:

NTA. She was soooo far out of line and especially in your own home. I'd also sit down with your husband and talk about it. To me personally it really seems like she likes your husband more than just a good friend. I understand she had a wife but maybe she's bi and hasnt been open with it?

OP responded:

I seriously, seriously doubt it.

I don’t think I’m welcome to use the same term she uses for herself but it starts with “bull."

Historical_Agent9426 responded:

She may not want your husband as a s*xual partner, but she may feel her grief entitles her to claim him as an emotional partner.Just because she doesn’t want to replace you in his bed doesn’t mean she doesn’t resent you for taking up space in his life. She didn’t resent you before because she had a wife, but now her wife is gone, why the hell are YOU still around?

Good for your husband for standing up for you. It sounds like you reached your breaking point with Jenna and though you may have responded in a way that you regret, it was a response to her inappropriate behavior and comments. You should could apologize to your husband for not speaking up sooner and allowing things to get to that point

(ETA: I never intended to suggest you did anything wrong or have anything to apologize for, my suggestion re: apologizing was because it sounded like you felt you reacted poorly and, possibly, the only thing you did “wrong” was not advocating for yourself sooner. I am clarifying as this has caused confusion).

Hyperboleiskillingus wrote:

NTA. Jenna was out of line but it is also good that you are reconsidering your actions. This is a tough situation for everyone involved. There are no simple good guys or bad guys here. I was a young window myself and those first few months were a blur.

The things that upset me then, I can now see how I overacted and took things personally that I should not have. I was irrational at times and got super emotional over the slightest things. None of this gave me a pass to say or do anything to others.

Same applies to Jenna. I'm glad your husband backed you, that is a good sign for your relationship. I would tell him how much you appreciate his support because it must have been hard for him to escort his good friend out when she is suffering... it was the right thing but it was still probably hard for him to do.

Talk to him about how he can support Jenna moving forward with better boundaries. Get agreement between the two of you on how you both will interact with Jenna and support her. Eventually Jenna will be in a better space and you may be able to "reconcile" to a certain degree for the sake of your husband.

T0urnad0 responded:

This is such a good answer. I think those of us who have experienced this type of grief will maybe see Jenna’s actions slightly differently. Nobody should excuse it, but her wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. She doesn’t deserve to lose a good friend too, even if she was way out of line.

Reevadare1990 wrote:

NTA. Grief is an explanation, not an excuse. She’s leaning far too much on your husband, and for her to insult and swear at YOU for spending time with YOUR HUSBAND on YOUR BIRTHDAY is completely out of pocket. Props to your husband for backing you but he needs to lay down the law with this woman like yesterday. This should not have gone on as long as it has.

lihzee wrote:

NTA. Not at all. Jenna is going through a huge loss, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you poorly, particularly when it seems like you and your husband have been nothing but accommodating.

Clearly, the internet agrees: OP is NTA here, this is just a tough situation.