'AITA for breaking up with my GF over my cousin's wedding?' 'She was crushed that I didn't choose her.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for breaking up with my GF over my cousin's wedding?"
So I (24m) had been with my (24f) gf for over 2 years. We've had some fights, but its been fairly solid throughout those years. This was going to be an important year for us. She was graduating for college, (I already did the year before), and we were going to be moving in together once she started working and could afford to split rent with me (I live with roommates).
It was also a big year for my cousin, we'll call him Doug (24m). Now Doug is basically the closest thing I had to a brother growing up. We were only a month apart, and we grew up about 2 miles from each other. We spent every summer just bounces back and forth between our two houses. We got in lots of trouble, but we always had each others backs. We were basically inseparable from birth until about middle school.
We grew apart a bit as we got older: different friend groups, and very different interests. It wasn't intentional. But we still love each other very much and would do anything for the other. Well, Doug got married this year. My gf was very excited about this, as it would be her first chance to meet a lot of my extended family. I was super excited to introduce her as well. I remember they sent out the Save The Dates in like September or something. But I'm pretty bad with dates, so I don't remember.
Anyway, fast forward to Spring, and my gf tells me about her graduation plans that her and her family have come up with. They were going to start the day at a nice restaurant with her extended family, and then go to the ceremony after and everyone would leave from there. Sounded great. Until I made the horrible realization that her graduation day was the same day as my cousins wedding. I started panicking.
I didn't want to miss either one, so what was I going to do? The wedding venue was about an hour from the college campus. I looked at the timelines for everything and I realized I could make it work if I left right after the wedding ceremony and went straight to the graduation ceremony. Essentially missing both parties (super bummer), but being there for the important events.
I explained the situation to my gf, and told her how upset I was, but that I would still be able to make both. I asked if it was possible to move her party to after the graduation so I could still meet her family. At least this way one of us could. I also asked if she could be with me at the ceremony if we did this, I just didn't know how early she had to be at the campus and lined up and all that. Well, she got CRAZY upset at me for this.
She said she was crushed that I didn't "choose her." And said how it was impossible for them to move the party bc one of her relatives wasn't able to stay out late, and they already had a reservation at this restaurant, etc etc. She kept saying how important this party was to her and how she's disappointed at me for missing it. This went on for a good solid 15 minutes, where I was trying to come up with solutions and she was trying to tell me that skipping my cousins wedding entirely should've been an option and that I wasn't making her the "priority" in my life.
At that point, I... f-king... raged. I've literally never yelled at her once. But this time I couldn't help it. I was so pissed. I told her off. I told her how selfish she was being. I told her she shouldn't put this on me, I was trying to make the best of a bad situation. I told her my family would literally never make me choose, and if they did they would probably tell me not to choose them. And that I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't able to say that.
I grabbed what little sh*t I had from her place, stormed out, blocked her number, and haven't talked to her since. That day I packed up everything she had at my place and I mailed it back to her (we live like 40 minutes apart and I didn't want to drive back). Then I took myself off socials, deleted my own accounts. I had actually been wanting to do that for a while anyway, so this seemed like a good excuse to pull the trigger.
I enjoyed my cousin's wedding. And btw, at the wedding my aunt (Doug's mom) told me when she found out the situation from my mom, that she literally went and tried to MOVE THE DATE OF THE WEDDING FOR ME! They weren't able to do it because the venue was really strict. She actually apologized to me and said she felt bad she couldn't do it. I told her that would've been insane to move the date for 200 people just for me. I couldn't believe they even considered that. But it solidified in my mind that I made the right choice.
So why am I making this post? Because my now ex-gf has turned most of our mutual friends (to be fair they were mostly her friends first) against me. I keep getting texts from them saying how much of an AH I was that I didn't even show up for her graduation ceremony.
And that apparently she was going to apologize, but I "didn't give her a chance," and that apparently she just wanted me to say I would choose her party over my cousins wedding and then she'd tell me not to do that. Also, I've been called a bully and a "verbal abuser" by 2 of these people for how I yelled at her, and that she was "scared to see me."
This is BS, I'm the most passive guy on the planet. She's just never seen me actually mad before, because it takes a LOT to make me mad. One of them sent me a text saying they were at a bar dancing with guys way cuter than me, and that I missed my shot. I just want it to stop.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AlainnJuly said:
NTA- things will happen in relationships that choices will have to be made. You were trying to compromise. According to her friends, she was playing a game. You had to choose her graduation so that she could let you go to the wedding? That’s manipulative and immature. Also if she is doing so well, why are her minions reporting what she’s doing to you and making sure you know she is doing so much better? She needs to grow up. You did kind of go all in once it ended but was this the first argument like this or was this a build up of issues and the straw that broke the camel’s back?
Ok-Yellow5342 said:
NTA in this situation. But I can't help but add a side note, if you block someone's # and mail all their stuff back, you can't expect them to call your work or come to your apartment or text through a mutual friend. You've given them the direct impression that talking to you about this issue is not an option and that you want no further contact.
bunnybear4747 said:
ESH. She definitely shouldn't have tried pulling the "me vs. them" card. Especially because you had made an amazing attempt to figure out how to support the both of them. She sucks for that for sure. Plus her friends comments are just ick. I hate girls that act that way after a break up, you should just block them.
On the other hand - your reaction was EXTREME. You state in your post that you've barely ever fought with this girl and have been together for a few years. She makes ONE selfish request and instead of cooling off and discussing it at a later time, you decide to "rage" at her? Plus remove all of your belongings, and then ghost her completely? That's not the most mature or reasonable response my guy. Even if you decided you were done with her, that was A LOT...
I get it, you felt strongly about your cousin, and family in general. It's extremely sweet that they looked into moving the date for you. You were right about their selflessness. Ultimately, I'm glad you chose to support them.
However, I am concerned about your overall response to the initial argument. It wasn't the best way handle things in the slightest, because (imo) a mature and rational adult would have recognized they were about to "rage" and stepped away from the situation until they could reasonably discuss the subject. The events following the argument just seemed extreme and reactionary, which is worrying. Overall, I hope things go well for you OP.
sassycatastrophe said:
Oof... so I was solidly going to say NTA, but your reaction was sooo strong! Makes me lean a little towards ESH. Hear me out - she absolutely had a selfish and immature reaction. I think you came up with a good plan, and she should have considered it. In a perfect world, with both of you being more mature, she would have gotten your suggestion and then given it some thought instead of a knee-jerk panic reaction. I assume when you first realized the events fell on the same day there was a bit of a panic. But you were able to give it some thought.
Now, she should have self regulated. She should have said, hey, this is making me really upset, I need to think about this before i say things I'll regret. So in that regard, she's a major asshole here. And to just expand while we're on her, it's incredibly immature and toxic to a relationship to "test" a partner. So even if the story of "just wanting you to say you'll skip the wedding" was true, it's no better than actually wanting you to skip it.
Now onto you. You raged? After a small disagreement? I don't think this should have been rage inducing. Unless there's a detail missing, like she was being emotionally abusive, I don't see how raging, breaking up with her, and blocking her are equal reactions to this fight after years of being together.
You are both 24, which means it's entirely possible that your frontal lobes aren't fully formed and you both aren't able to think about consequences that well and could have impulse control problems. I will caution you that real long term relationships need to have the occasional fight without anyone raging. Anyway, seems like you both overreacted, which leads me to ESH.
alianablueshadows said:
NTA . You made an effort to accommodate both important events. For her to push “if you loved me you would” as a solution is manipulative and selfish and inappropriate
UPDATE:
I just want to clarify something. I probably should've made this more clear. But When I said I raged, I raged for my standards. Did I yell? Yes. Was I screaming? No. She's risen her voice to me like this almost every time we had a fight. I'm generally the calm one in an argument. I never called her names, other than selfish. I never got even remotely physical or physically intimidating. In fact I was trying to keep as much distance from her as I could. I mostly just wanted to get out of there. Should I have gone so nuclear?
Probably not. But she did still have ways to reach me. She could have emailed me. She could have called me at work. She could have come to my apartment. She could have texted me through a mutual friend. Hell she could've written me an actual letter. What I didn't want was the 10 page long texts at 3am, and me constantly staring at my phone waiting for it to vibrate. I was angry, but I felt (and still feel) like I was justified, and I wasn't going to be the first person to break the stalemate.
I figured if she actually cared, she'd find a way. I never got any texts from her friends until after the graduation, which makes me think she was still expecting me to show up, especially the one that said she couldn't believe I didn't go to the ceremony. But yes, I should've handled all of this better. I let pride and anger possibly ruin a good thing. I don't know. I'm still dealing with this. I go back and forth between thinking I dodged a bullet and thinking I shot myself in the foot. I am not a perfect person. But I know I'm not abusive.