Man questions ending first relationship; 'AITA for breaking up with my depressed girlfriend?'
"AITA for breaking up with my depressed girlfriend?"
Electronic_List2881
I (20M) broke up with my (20F) ex about a month ago. It was unfortunate because I truly loved her. The problem was that she started showing me less physical affection and little to no words of affirmation.
I asked her what was up and she said she didn’t know what was wrong with her but it’s something that she’ll get over. This went on for over a month and a half and I really questioned whether she still loved me.
I asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship with me but she always dodged the question and this didn’t make things any better. She continued avoiding trying to work out our issues and eventually I decided to call it quits.
Once I broke up with her, she said she was having a depressive episode and wanted to try to work on things. I knew she had depression and she’s on medication but I hadn’t realized that’s what her situation was.
I clearly underestimated how depression can affect the way people feel and act. I just wish I was aware that she was having an episode. At one point she even said that she was questioning the relationship because she didn’t like how her feelings affected the way that I felt.
I’ve never dealt with depression before. But by this point I was so drained from all the lack of communication and the lack of reassurance and proceeded to end things. A day later I decided that we could try to fix things because I regretted it so much. Then we started hanging out and doing things for about two weeks without a label.
She did say to me that “you gave up too easily” I really started hating myself for breaking up with her but at the same time she never wanted to talk things out, she never reassured me that she wanted this relationship, and I was so concerned about whether I could handle someone that has these depressive episodes.
I didn’t like that we were doing relationship stuff without a label and when I brought it up, she said she didn’t want have this conversation and basically avoided the topic of us being together.
Ultimately I decided that we should stop talking and she should take a few days to figure out what she wants to do. I thought it’d be best to give her space and make a decision.
It’s been very difficult. It’s been over two weeks and she hasn’t said anything about the relationship and I just feel like it really shouldn’t take that much time if someone really wanted to be with you.
I sent her a really long paragraph the other day explaining everything and no response. I proceeded to unfollow her on all social media because it hurt to constantly check her status or see if she’s posting. This is my first relationship and I just don’t know how to handle this situation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Both-Structure-6786
NTA. She has depression and depression clearly causes what you experienced with her. You went nearly two months without anything from her and based on that and based on stuff she has said you ended the relationship. She clearly is in no place to be in a relationship as well.
Potential_Beat6619
NTA - You said you never had to deal with depression, you still don't have to. You aren't her therapist or emotional support animal. Spring is here. Go have fun like you should.
Silvermorney
NTA she may have depression but she also sounds selfish and like she wants you to put in all of the emotional effort in the relationship while she does absolutely nothing for the relationship or for herself as she is making absolutely no effort what so ever to actually stop being depressed. Good luck op. She needs therapy and she’s clearly not capable of/ready to be with anyone at all right now.
DDChristi
You can leave for whatever reason you want. Depression is something you need to go into with open eyes. Wide open. You know what you need to feel loved and secure in a relationship. You’re a several steps ahead of most people your age. You do sound a bit self centered but that’s just where you are in life. NTA.
Subject-Round2335
NTA she definitely sounds like she has depression and she wasn't reassuring you that she wanted the relationship. It's good for you guys to just take a break from one another and even move on from one another. It seems to me that she needs to get help and shouldn't be dating anyone at this time.
projexion_reflexion
I'd be angry if I gave someone a second chance and they used it to hit me with, “you gave up too easily”.
Practical_Choice1011
NTA you have to be selfish and not let yourself be brought down because they don't have their life together your leveling yourself down to be where shes at. be comfortable your going to maybe date more people with other issues.
Kaylycat
As someone w clinical depression, it doesn't prevent me from communication. Your issue with her is the lack of communication, not her depression. Assuming you communicated how it made you feel, you're NTJ in the slightest. You're only 20 my dude, go enjoy life and you'll find someone who won't leave you questioning no matter how they feel.
PsychoGrad
NTA, but you definitely need to assess your own ability to be in a serious relationship. There are always going to be times of uncertainty, when you aren’t quite sure if everything is okay. Because we’re all human and we all have weak points and seasons of discomfort.
Let’s say you both had a baby, and she’s too drained to give you the attention you’re wanting. Are you just gonna drop everything and leave? I would hope not, but there are more than enough men out there that do exactly that. Now, as someone in a committed relationship where we both have depression, communication is key, and your ex wasn’t doing that. That’s on her.
My partner and I often have to stretch that communication skill and have very vulnerable conversations so we can even figure out what the issue is, and how we can work on it. Even if all I want to do is clam up and not think about the outside world, I set those feelings aside so we can take care of what needs addressing.