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'AITA for breaking up with my fiancé 4 months before our wedding?' EDITED AND UPDATED 3X.

'AITA for breaking up with my fiancé 4 months before our wedding?' EDITED AND UPDATED 3X.


"AITA for breaking up with my (26F) fiance (29M) 4 months before our wedding?"

I (26F) loved my fiance Jack (29M) but unfortunately, I realized that he is so much into his family. He is not ready to build his own. We have been together since 2020. He is living next door to his parents. He is on a rental. His house door is 2 steps away from his parent's house. Currently, I don't have any issue with that but I don't want that house to be our first home. Not only because of his parents.

That house has been his bachelor house for like 3 years. Even to this time, every night his friends come over, 3-4 guys smoking in that house. Jack is not very good at cleaning and I already gave up on trying cleaning it.

I told him that I don't want to live in that house. We spoke a bit and decided not to move my stuff to this house after the wedding. I was going to come and stay with him regularly but not completely move into this house.

His rent contract was going to end in October (5 months after the Wedding) and the landlord said they don't want to rent it anymore. We supposed to eventually move elsewhere anyway but still I stated that I don't want to live there because that's it. If the landlord changes his mind, I don't want to drop a bomb later on. I wanted him to know that clearly. He said he understood my decision. Together we came up with this plan.

After speaking with me, he went to his mom. Told her that I don't want to live next door to her & I will be looking for a new house. Of course, hearing this very boldly like that, she angrily said '' I was going to go to our hometown after your wedding anyway, she won't be living next door to her MIL after the wedding'."

I don't blame her. What bothers me; I think from now on, Jack and I are a family of our own and we don't have to share everything happening in our household to our parents. He doesn't understand this.

I told him he wasn't supposed to tell her like that. He said he needed to let her know. I told him if he really thinks she should be informed then he should have told her that we decided to do this together and its a decision of us.

But instead, he insists that this is my decision and he won't be telling his mom that he agrees to this decision and its taken together. And his reason to this is ''I don't have any issue living in this house with you, you are the one who doesn't want it."

I felt like my new family won't be on its feet with this attitude. I tought my fiance and I were gonna be a team and not let anyone bash any of us down. To me, a married couple supposed to cover each other's acts so nobody else can see them as fault. I discussed with his family before once. He didn't stand by my side. I chew that down but I think this behaviour will repeat and I don't need that.

Yesterday I told him that I am tired of trying to make him a husband that I would like to have. I accept his personality as he revealed recently and I don't want to marry that person. Am I really the Ahole here? If my understanding of family is not correct, I really want to know this.


NOTE 1: There are comments about him being filthy and how did i accepted it. Honesty he made me get used to it. In the first year of our relationship, i never accepted the behavior and tried to fix it. I openly told him that his house is not clean but he told me '' its clean to my standarts, if you dont feel like its not up to your standarts, you can clean it yourself." I had no issues with cleaning his house.

However, I was coming over every 3-4 days. Staying 4-5 hours. 2 hours of it was going on the cleaning. I was kind of hoping he would see that and maybe take better care of his house so we get to spend some more time but that didn't happen. I accepted it.

This was his way of living and his house. Since i was coming over to same mess everytime, at some point i told him that i will not be cleaning any further as its his house and he was not helping me to maintain it better. I even offered to call a cleaning lady once a week to clean his house but he did not accept it either. Basically in time, he made me get used to that. I did my best to accommodate myself without doing unnecessary cleaning when I come.


NOTE 2: I see the comments related to me trying to change him and it's not cool. You are right, I may have tendencies to try showing him different way, the way i prefer things but as you can see in NOTE 1, even if its disgusting to me, i was always ready to accept him as the way he is. Besides the cleaning & constantly having friends over, I didn't try to change anything about him.

Me saying him ''I am tired of trying to make him a husband that i would like to have. I'' is because we experienced a situation with his family (with his sister to be exact) where he did not defend me at all once and later on very similar experience where he didnt prioritize me but his mom and threw me right under the bus in our decision. The first ''situation with his family'' happened in November.

We speak about it in December and i told him it makes me feel like im nothing to him. I told him i want to break up. I told him that I don't accept my husband not prioritizing me. I didn't want to cut it right away. I asked if he would like to try going to couples counseling instead of cutting it completely. He agreed to it but i think he did it to make me get used to it. He went just to shut my mouth and wait for me to accept his behavior of sharing everything about our relationship.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

TheLadyIsabelle said:

Beautifully and wisely said. NTA.

Aloreiusdanen said:

NTA. Best to end in now before getting married. Doing what is best for you, is not always easy, but is most of the time the right thing to do.

Impressive_Form_3360 said:

NTA. Mummy’s boys generally can’t nurture their own families and your MIL would have always been involved in your issues and probably influence his opinion on how to go about disagreements.

una_tofu said:

NTA-Seriously, its so much easier to leave 4 months BEFORE than 3 years after. I understand marriage as blending two lives to make a new one. I dont really see that happening. He wants to be a teen living at home and having his buddies hang out all the time. That's not what a married guy does. And HE never plans to do any different.

puppy_tummy said:

NTA everything you said here makes sense to me. It's surely painful but you most definitely made the right call. Ultimately this will be an important growing experience for him too. You seem like a very mature 26 yo who can take care of herself, and when you've moved on you'll be able to find someone on your level.

angelmakr9 said:

NTA. Definitely sounds like your ex isn't ready to start a family of his own. I'm so proud of you for recognizing your worth and not settling for someone that doesn't respect you. You deserve to be with someone that knows how to be an adult and not run to mommy.


SMALL UPDATE : I spoke to his friend to ask if he is doing okay. He told me that he didn't tell him anything about me yesterday but he was constantly texting. This friend is very close to him so if he is not speaking to him, I know he is discussing it with his sister.

It looks like everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this couple?

Sources: Reddit
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