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'AITA for calling divorce immediately after finding out my wife emotionally cheated?' UPDATED

'AITA for calling divorce immediately after finding out my wife emotionally cheated?' UPDATED


"AITA for calling divorce immediately after finding out my wife emotionally cheated on me?"

I found out my wife was cheating on me emotionally last week. I found it through a notification when she was in the shower. We are both 33 and married for 6 years. In my eyes, everything was good. Funny how one can hide their betrayal without other party noticing. I confronted her right away and told her to open the phone to show me the messages.

She refused first but gave up after I told we are getting a divorce. The texts were not that old and there were not many. It was obvious most of the texts were deleted. I asked her questions about the affair why, who, where, how? I will not go into details as I want to stay anonymous but I was trickle truthed in the end. She got caught and trickle truthed me. I do not believe her and what she said about the extent they went.

At the beginning of our relationship I made it very clear that cheating in any form is a relationship ender. I told her to get a lawyer because we are getting divorced. She asked for marriage counseling, promised to change and even make her life completely depended on me, leave the job, not leave the house, and give me all of her digital devices.

I told her where marriage counseling would help was before she decided to have an affair. We could go to marriage counseling and solve the problem there by talking whichever problem she had. Instead, she went on to have an emotional affair and made sure to actively hide things from me by deleting texts and trickle truthing.

I reminded her my boundaries and what I told her about them in the beginning of the relationship. I will hand the divorce papers to her this month and she is telling me to reconsider. Am I the AH in this situation?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

l3ex_G said:

Nta the trickle truth is the problem that makes reconciliation a non starter. You can’t trust her. All the things she is willing to do now are bandaids. Who wants to be married with someone who can’t have a life outside of you because they may cheat again. She made her choice. Don’t let her drag out the inevitable.

BlueGreen_1956 said:

NTA. You clearly stated a boundary and what the consequences would be. Now, she's shocked that you actually meant what you said. Divorce her and get her out of your house.

DawnShakhar said:

NTA. Your wife's proposal - that she put herself totally at your mercy, quitting her job and being completely dependent on you is not healthy for her and for you. If you lost your trust in her, and cannot regain it, you are better apart.

boredathome1962 said:

NTA. She wants you to reconsider because she hadn't got far enough with her AP to know that he would take her after you divorced. You've only been married 6 years, if she's investing her emotions with someone else the marriage is doomed. If this affair ends, what's going to stop the next one? Unless you become her jailor - but no - that's a doomed marriage too.

Ecko2310 said:

NTA. You told her at the start of the relationship. Any kind of cheating is a game breaker, but nope, she didn't listen and now wants to fix things. I've been through the exact same scenario. I told my ex when we first got together that if anyone ever cheated on me, they would from then on be dead in my eyes.

What happened? Later down the road, she got distant, which pushed me away, and after I finally said enoughs enough I can't do this anymore, I found out through FB photos and texts she was cheating on me. I deleted and blocked her from everything. I find out she's STILL extremely hurt I did that to her and doesn't understand how I can just delete someone I supposedly loved. Again, NTA.

Cherubness89 said:

I don't think a relationship could survive this. She was willing to continue to hide this until you called her out. Then even when called out she didn't tell you the whole truth straight away. So how could you ever trust her going forward. It's going to hurt and suck. But you're doing the right thing. Nta.

GlidingToLife said:

NTA, she crossed multiple lines that can't be uncrossed. First she cheated. Then lied about it. Then deleted the evidence. Then trickle truthed. If you stay, you will have to police her forever.


It's 100% divorce now. I think I was looking to relax and validate my logic with that post. Love is there but trust is broken. My heart told me to have an hope but my logic told me to divorce. Logic won in the end. It has been over a week now and I still do not get the full information about the affair.

Yesterday night and this morning(after the post) I came to learn new information about the affair. I am still not sure if it's the full extent. To clarify the emotional affair part, they sexted, sent nudes to each other and there were I love yous involved. If it's not cheating, I do not know what it is.

Whatever, I still do not know the full truth and she refuses disclosing who exactly this AP is. My trust level for her is so low that she could say sky is blue and I would doubt it. This relationship is just over, dead. I will go ahead with the divorce as soon as possible so I can process my feelings alone after she leaves.

Some people told me I would not be able to find anyone at 33 as a male. This is the last thing I worry about after divorce. First thing is to get over the relationship and put myself together better than ever. I am planning starting individual therapy right after I sort things out. I can date after that easily. Hope seeing you with a happy divorce update and in a better mood.

Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:

EffectiveEarth343 said:

She won’t tell you who the AP is, probably to protect him and is still choosing him, but she has the gall to ask you to not divorce? She is still hiding details, and mostly likely those details are the physical aspect of the affair. I highly doubt they were telling each other the I love yous without there being physical cheating going on. You are absolutely making the right decision.

[deleted] said:

She's not disclosing the AP because it's someone close enough for you to have access to him and possibly to the whole truth. I'm very sure you know this guy. She's also not disclosing because she's not planning on ending the affair at all. They plan on going below the radar and simply will get better at deceiving. Because they have easy access to each other.

Anyway, her not being completely open bar for him means that there's no working through this. Should you even wish. Prepare to be hurt pretty bad when you find out who he is. After the divorce they'll be out in the open in no time.

Organic2003 said:

You are 33, the very prime of your life! Never waste that time on a lying cheater. You will not have any problem at your age finding a better woman than your cheater.

Brave_Ad1901 said:

Making that decision and sticking to it is very difficult. You’ve made the first step, and that’s amazing! You probably will never find out the full truth. I’m divorcing my wife now for very similar circumstances. You will find someone else at 33, there’s literally billions of “fish in the sea”…

BeachMom2007 said:

Ugh, trickle truth sucks. You are 100% making the right decision. She's still lying and hiding things. You're going about this in a very smart way. Too many people try to jump right into dating while still damaged from the first relationship and it never goes well. Good luck!

GenoPax said:

NTA, don’t waste your time, gather evidence and surprise her, the less she knows the better.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one throughout. What's your advice for these exes?

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