'AITA for calling MIL by her last name instead of grandma?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for calling MIL by her last name instead of grandma?"

My relationship to my MIL, "Mrs Smith," is crap. She's cold to me because I kept my last name, Miller. She says "I'll treat her like family when she wants to be part of it." She calls me "Jake's friend."

My husband Jake loves me all the same. He doesn't bother standing up to her because it's a way for her to start a fight. We rarely talk to her. She makes no effort. Neither do we. Jake and I had discussed whose last name our kid would have prior to the birth. He initiated the conversation.

I'd left the decision up to him. After the birth, the families visited at the hospital. Jake asked what our son's last name was gonna be. I told him it was still his choice. He smiled and said "little Baby Miller, I like it." He filled out the paper work. MIL looked livid. She started asking questions but my dad started crying. Both of my brothers have di-d.

Dad has never mentioned it but I know passing the last name down makes him happy. Neither Jake or I anticipated this nor did it for this reason but it was sweet all the same. After she left MIL let people know what I had done. And how now she wouldn't feel like a grandmother. A month later a SIL announced her pregnancy. MIL said "finally! I'll feel like a grandmother!"

Again, my husband didn't say anything, neither did I. Our son started talking. During a video call, where my MIL did nothing but gush about SILs daughter, who is adorable, Jake was trying to get the baby to talk. Son lost interest, I took son and Jake let MIL ramble some more before ending the call. MIL said she wanted to say bye to son. Jake turned the phone. MIL said "say bye to grandma! Make son say it!"

"I'm grandma now!" I snapped inside so I said "say 'bye Mrs Smith.'" My MIL face dropped, Jake turned the camera away and said bye quickly. He laughed, said I was awesome, but we better put our phones on silent. The only call/text I responded to was the other SIL who said I didn't need to go out of my way to be nasty. That MIL went around saying how excited she was about Son (lie).

That her initial comments were understandable because I talked Jake out of tradition (I DID NOT) and that I'd hurt MIL. MIL needed time to adjust. I said "thank you for your input." MIL texted eventually saying I'd really upset her. I said "here I was, trying to respect the importance you feel to last names. You've said multiple times I'm not family because of my last name."

"You made it more than clear that's the reason my child doesn't make you feel like a grandma. Now you'll be known as Mrs Smith." She said sorry, she didn't mean it that way, but that my dad's reaction was an example of how important last names are. I now had to forgive her because family. It made me angrier that she brought my dad into this and I can't tell if I'm being TA or not.

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit. Thank you again to everyone who gave awards! It was very kind of you and I do appreciate it. Jake is home and I had him read the post. Some of you really cracked him up. Some made good points which we have discussed. Apparently he also got a text from his sister and asked how much money she got from MIL for telling me off.

He also made sure to tell SIL who had the baby that we hold nothing against her, should MIL try to spin it that way. She knows MIL better thankfully. Jake would also like to tell those who are telling me I should take his name that he disagrees and he's not about the sexism you're spewing. Though he does now want to send MIL a Christmas card from "The Millers."

Edit 2. You guys are being great. I woke up to many more responses than I anticipated. Thank you. Just to clarify, my son will not be calling MIL Mrs Smith. They barely have a relationship as he's still a baby and MIL makes no effort. After some discussion, Jake is gonna take time to figure out what he wants from MIL and if he thinks that's possible.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

Can I just say your marriage sounds great? The way you wanted the baby's lastname to be his choice and he chose yours? There's so much love and respect here. Also I like how he stands by your side in his mother's nonsense. You both are awesome. NTA.

OP responded:

I just assumed our son would have his. He brought it up. He said it was fair since I was doing all the work. He said if he pushed a human out of him he'd want to put his name on it. Which makes me laugh. I still let it be his choice because regardless of his name, I'm gonna love this kid.

If we have a second, I may insist they get his last name. Seems fair. I am a very lucky woman, but it should be noted he wears his gross shoes through the house, so not perfect. But he says I sleep like an MMA fighter so I suppose we're even.

whateverwhatever8 wrote:

Your husband is right that was awesome.

F- that noise. NTA, stick to your guns on this. When you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes, and she is the showcase showdown champion now.

TooTall2Function wrote:

NTA. If she needs her son's biological son to have the same last name as her to feel a connection or commitment to him then she's not a good person. She's superficial and vapid. She doesn't get to shun you and treat you and your son like strangers, for however long, and then turn around and demand empathy or an apology from you.

TangledTwisted wrote:

NTA...she kept pushing it and pushing it. You had every right to react that way. She is definitely T.A. here. I will say, if you guys choose to have/want a relationship with her and the rest of his family then it may be a good idea not to push the “Mrs. Smith” over “grandma” with your son in the future now that you’ve made your point...with style I might add!

rougarousmooch wrote:

She has gone out of her way to ensure that you felt unwelcome and were not "part of her family." She even went so far as to give your son the same treatment. She even said "make him call me grandma! I'm a grandma now!" as if she wasn't before. You simply went along with what she's already been enforcing, and that's on her, not on you. She's reaping what she's sown, and she doesn't like it.

NTA, and thank god your husband's on your side. Sounds like he knows what she's like, and not only respects you, but considers you in all his decision-making. That's a rarity online! You've got all the family you need, and she shouldn't get the benefits of calling you and your son family until she makes the effort to include you in it, along with a proper apology.

OP responded:

He is a great guy. I really did luck out. I told him his relationship with his mother is his decision, because I don't care is she likes me. I do want to revisit it now though given our son is now involved. We seriously never see her or hear from her. I don't think Jake is gonna miss her anyway. He really only likes his dad.

juracilean wrote:

Sooo if she has a daughter, and her daughter takes on her husband's name, then by her logic she's no longer family? And by extension, all of daughter's kids as well? She's crazy. Is her last name even hers from when she was born or did she get it from her husband? Why is she so protective over it?

OP responded:

She took her husband's, who is now her ex. I have no idea why she's so hell bent on it.

Six weeks later, OP shared an update.

Jake and I appreciated all the support. Though Jake wants the DMers to know that he's okay with me taking his balls because he loses everything anyway. This brought him a good chuckle before the serious talk.

We both also want to be very clear that taking his name was never on the table, nor does he care. I also do want to say I know how great Jake is. Though since the post he's been "demanding" I thank "the worlds best husband" anytime he does something for me.

His humor is my favorite part of him.

Because it's his mom, I let him decide how to handle it. We both did agree that our son would obviously know MIL as his grandma, but he wouldn't have a relationship with her unless she addressed the blatant favoritism.

That conversation did not go well. She denied having favorites, lied about pretty much everything, then told me the compromise she was willing to make was that if she had to accept me for who I am (being that I kept that name) I'd have to accept her for who she is.

I didn't respond before Jake ripped into her about how she didn't get to make demands. That she was critical of me, assumed things that he already told her weren't true. That this conversation was happening because we didn't accept who she was.

He said if he ever heard her make another comment about the Miller last name, he'd take it. She started crying about losing her family and he hung up. One SIL, who is MILs favorite child, sent me a nasty message including the line "I wonder if your dead brother would happy you used him to break MILs heart."

I sent the screenshot to MIL and said "call off your dog or I'll take her to the pound." I have sent a screenshot of that to anyone who has tried to question me. If they tried to defend MIL or SIL, I blocked them. Word got around quickly about this and now SIL is all but cut out of FILs side of the family.

Even FIL has come down on her hard. SIL is desperately trying to apologize and fix this. She even allowed Jake to read everything MIL sent to her about my last name. I tried to read some of it but stopped. I don't want to be angry. I'm taking time to decide how to handle this. I am happy to be done with MIL. She never really bothered me. It does takes a lot to get to me.

But I don't want her behavior and attitudes being normalized with my son. I wasn't prepared for motherhood to have such a strong effect. Jake did admit he gave Son my last name for my dad. Years ago my dad asked if Jake was gonna propose to me. Jake said if my dad wanted to know he would give him a heads up but he wouldn't ask for his blessing or permission.

In many more words, dad said he never had any expectations of that. He didn't worry about gender roles though he was glad he would gain a son again. Jake didn't feel obligated. He just wanted to do that for my dad. Sincerely, thank you all.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update.

Edit. Hey everyone, I did not expect to wake up to the amount of messages I did. I appreciate them all. Jake takes both the compliments and the insults. As do I.

I also want to clear up some questions. Yes, this is real but I'm not going to prove that. MIL took FILs name. They are divorced. They have two daughters and two sons. BIL intends to have children and will pass on the Smith name. SIL has a daughter who has SILs husband's name.

SIL also took his name. The youngest SIL is the one who sent the text. I'm not going to apologize for how I spoke to MIL after she encouraged her daughter to use my brother like that. There is text proof that MIL did this. SIL showed Jake. I have no intentions on seeking therapy or a relationship with either of them and that's the most that can be asked of me in this upset of a state.

If/when we have a second child, I always intended for them to get Jake's last name. Jake knows and is cool with it. Jake is willing to be called by my last name but I doubt he'll actually change it. Niether of us our willing to do paperwork out of spite either. Yes, I still cry remembering my dad cry about this. I always assumed Jake did this for this reason. He really is a great man.

The internet was still deeply invested.

hotelcalif wrote:

You and Jake are so emotionally healthy. You both set clear boundaries, you uphold them, and you yield gracefully to each other when you believe something belongs in the other one’s domain instead of your own. I admire you both.

OP responded:

Thank you. But the rules go out the window on pizza night. And she really needs to stop cheating by using her body to get the last slice. It's all, oh I just want to cuddle, then she unhinges her jaw and I'm left hungry! (This is the husband, she gave me the iPad to respond to a DM, don't tell her. We Take This To Our Graves!)

sbargos wrote:

You've got yourself a great husband. Not a lot of people could stand their ground like he did. Good luck to both of you and your little son

OP responded:

He's always been able to stand up for himself. I won't say it didn't get to him, especially what his sister did, but he just runs it out. He may also make himself a world's best husband t shirt if he sees more compliments. But he does deserve it. And thank you.

rafster929 wrote:

Would he consider changing his name to Miller or would that just pour more gasoline on the fire?

OP responded:

Yes he would but he tries not to let anger make his decisions. I also don't think he would because of the paper work required and he does everything he can to avoid it. Including bribe me to do it.

fanpal95 wrote:

That line "call your dog off or ill take her to the pound" so bloody good.

OP responded:

I didn't mean it violently either. Just keep you're yapping dog in your yard or I'll make it someone else's problem. SIL is still yapping, just more whiney now. I don't think she realized her family would draw a line in the sand. They majority aren't necessarily taking our side, but it's clear they're staying out of it because defending her isn't really an option.

Hedwig86 wrote:

I’m happy your husband stuck up for you like that and how he is handling it. Not gonna lie though, the end of your post made me cry. 😖😢

OP responded:

I cry just thinking about my dad crying about it. Jake is wonderful for giving that to him. I never expected it. I know Jake is better but I really love how little he care for traditional masculinity ideals.

HeyYouSHouldSmile wrote:

You husband is the best damn husband I have ever read about. How disgusting is it when the in-laws bring your dead brother into this? How dare they? You are awesome, your husband is awesome, your little dude is awesome.

OP responded:

To my knowledge only MIL and SIL have. The rest seemed to know better. FIL came down on SIL hard. She may not even be invited to the holidays for me. Which makes me uneasy but I appreciate FILs gesture.