'AITA for calling my husband's mistress fat and old? My sister said it was harsh.' UPDATED 5X

"AITA for calling my husband's mistress fat and old?"

I (44f) have been so emotional for several weeks, I can't trust my own judgment. Starting around Christmas 2023, I noticed a change in my husband Justin (44m). He's usually an affectionate and physical person, but our intimate life went downhill. The summer of 2023 was when our son Randell (19m) moved out to University.

With Justin and I alone in the house, we were having s-- almost everyday before the dip. Other suspicious things started happening. He's going out without me more, woman's perfume on his changes, being more secretive with his devices ect. Early September, I managed to get in his laptop while he was asleep.

I was expecting to find evidence of an affair and I had a picture in my head of what the woman would look like. I found a mountain of evidence. There were n-de selfies of her, videos of her, messages exchanged, etc. She didn't look like what I was expecting. She looked at least 50 and at least 200 lb.

My husband is very fit and so am I. He is Hollywood handsome so I was expecting like some thin 27-year-old woman. I sent as much evidence to my email and socials as I can. I showed by sister Betty (47f) the evidence. I was so emotional that I was insensitive with my words, especially since my sister has a weight problem. I called my husband's mistress a fat old sl-t.

Betty said I shouldn't be talking about another woman like that. I was so enraged and I asked Betty how could she defend the woman who's f--ing my husband. Betty said it's no excuse to body shame. I just started crying and Betty hugged me. Obviously my judgement is comprised and I have a bias against my husband's mistress. I hate her so much. But did I go too far with my words. AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared three updates.

EDIT:

To clear up some things. By the messages, the mistress does know. Justin and her talk about me a lot. She sends happy emojis when Justin talks about how much -xer she is. Justin has messaged her that I'm too thin and muscular.

Yes, I am leaving him. I already have a divorce attorney. Even with everything I originally shared, Justin has messaged the mistress that he never loved me. He messaged that he loves her.

2nd EDIT:

I used to be overweight until around age 21. I would have gained weight a lot of weight if Justin had asked me to. Me and the mistress look so much alike apart from the weight, and she's older than me.

3rd EDIT:

The results are mixed, but I do think I am TA. I will apologize to my sister. I will try my best to avoid insulting the mistress's looks. I also hope everyone who reads this update avoids insulting the mistress's looks.

Internet commenters had a lot to say in response.

deeppurpleking wrote:

F-- it downvote me if yall want but NTA some people are fat and old. That may be some people’s cup of tea but fats fat, no other way to put it.

OP responded:

That size for a woman is what my husband likes. Then he should have married a woman that size, or tell me he wanted a woman that size. I surely would have gained for him. I will be insulting the mistress but not for her looks nor age.

forgetregret1day wrote:

So your husband is cheating on you and you go to your sister for support and all she’s got is that you’re fat shaming this home wrecker? Way to be completely self centered and clueless, sis. She somehow made your pain about her. That’s the last thing you needed and she’s one of the AH in this story. Your husband is #1 AH here.

I have zero sympathy or concern for cheaters and would burn his life to the ground (and the old ass fat s*ut) if given the chance. But that’s me, vindictive and petty to the end. I’ve been where you are unfortunately and so I get that your heart is broken but you’re the only blameless person here.

Shame on your sister for her ignorant comments and may your hopefully soon to be ex husband get everything he has coming to him. I’m so sorry but don’t let these people make you think you’re in any way wrong here. I hope you find better support soon. NTA.

Pristine-Mastodon-37 wrote:

There’s a caveat to the girl code - when a woman is knowingly banging your husband, you can call her whatever you see fit. It’s the law. NTA.

AMCsTheWorkingDead wrote:

I mean it’s not great, but damn Betty, read the room. It’s not about your personal insecurities right now, swallow it for later and tell your sister the woman looks like a dropped lasagna and probably smells like shag carpet in a home with long haired dogs and no open windows. Also OP, get tested. Always the first thing to do in this scenario.

Remarkable_buyer4625 wrote:

NTA - You just found out your husband is cheating on you. You can call that woman anything you want to right now. You’re venting. If your sister can’t handle it, find someone else.

TrafficOnTheTwos wrote:

NTA at all. My mom still calls my dad’s affair partner “dumpy wench” to this day, despite all the years and getting past it. You can say whatever you want and your sis was not right to make it about her and her moral standing.

Ok_Ring_3261 wrote:

First so sorry you are dealing with this - when it comes to this - shame away - for those saying all blame is on the husband, I call BS - if the b-ch knew he was married SHE TOO MADE A CHOICE - they are both to blame.

OP responded:

Justin should get the majority of my anger. But she should get some too.

whysitdark wrote:

Ngl, obviously cheating is hurtful, regardless, but when you get cheated on by someone much less attractive than you, oof. The self esteem plummets. And people can say that’s mean all they want, but we all know we’re better than some and worse than others. I would’ve hoped if my ex cheated, it would’ve at least been with someone hot… not a dog face hobag…

The next day, OP shared another major update.

Thank you to all who left constructive comments. Even if you called me an AH, I appreciate your comment as long as it was constructed. The person who had been my emotional support during this was Justin's sister Kelly (49f). Before last evening, I have been slowly moving out my stuff into Kelly's home. Last evening, Kelly did me the favor of telling Justin's parents Bob (72m) and Ann (71f).

Last evening, I took the last of my stuff and I went to stay at Kelly's until I can find a place. I made sure to video chat my son Randell first. I can't even remember everything I said so I will give the main points. I told him that he is the most important thing to his father and I. That we love him but we are getting divorced.

I told him his father was cheating on me, and I told him how to find the mistress Vicky (58f) on social media. I told my son he doesn't have to hate her and that he doesn't have to defend me against his father. I told him I was at Kelly's house and he said he'll visit this weekend. I told him I love you and he said I love you too.

I video chatted my husband Justin. The first I said was "Our son, your parents, your sister, and I all know you're cheating." I got some sick satisfaction from the look on his face. I used his mistress's real full name and I said she looks like me. Justin tried to speak but I cut him off to say that our son nor his parents hate him.

Justin was apologizing and I said I don't care. I said to just make this divorce as smooth as possible, I don't care to find for anything. I asked him to do me as favor and preserve our son's old room as is.

He agreed to do so. I ended the video chat. He tries to call again but I ignored it. This morning is when I video chatted my sister Betty. But before the video chat, I sent Betty some of the messages Justin had sent to Vicky where Justin body shamed me. In the video chat, I apologized for body shaming Vicky and I said I wouldn't do it again.

Betty apologized to me that she had brought that up during moment. I told Betty that I was staying at Kelly's. I asked Betty if she believes her husband loves and finds her s-xy. Betty said yes. I told her then she should start acting like it. She asked if can come to Kelly's this weekend, and I told my sister that I have enough support.

I told her she doesn't need to come and that she should enjoy her husband who loves her. I was really petty yesterday and this morning. But that is the pettiest I plan on allowing myself to be. I'm in a privileged position that I don't need to fight for money from my soon to be ex-husband. I hope he's made this easy, especially since our son knows everything. I'm okay considering everything.

EDIT: I do NOT want my original post NOR my update post to encourage the hatred of overweight women. I had made a mistake calling her a fat old sl*t. When I was ages 18, 19, & 20, I was an overweight woman. Hopefully, I will live long enough to be an old woman. I hate Vicky, but NOT because of her appearance.

The internet was invested.

the patriot74 wrote:

Just don't shortchange yourself during the divorce, there is no need to be magnanimous with your cheating and lying ex. Good luck.

LouisianaGothic wrote:

You weren't the AH when you posted yesterday and you're still not one today. You're not responsible for the emotional and psychological wellbeing of someone who gets off on your humiliation and being uplifted over you. Happy for you if you have decided denigrating her isn't worth your time because your time is more valuable than that.

MsSpooncats wrote:

To be honest I cant judge a woman who was cheating for insulting the mistress. That being said you are incredibly kind and self aware for retracting your statements about her weight. I don\t know that I would have reacted so respectfully or gracefully.

WinterFront1431 wrote:

Your son is old enough to communicate with him if he chooses so now he can run off with that nasty woman. She's not better that you, she's an embarrassment. Block your soon to be ex husband, there no reason to communicate. Don't let him still have access to you.

Yesterday, Sunday, I called my sister Betty and I told her she can come over my sister-in-law house. Betty brought her husband Mike (51m). I gave Betty a proper apology for body shaming Vicky, the mistress. I told Betty that I was angry about her push back about me body shaming my husband's mistress but that I also got angry at Betty for stupid stuff.

I started viewing memories of Betty and my husband Justin in a different light. Like how when Betty uses our pool, Justin would suggest that Betty wears a two piece. Or all the times Justin called Betty s--y. Or all the times he said that she didn't need to lose weight.

I was also comparing my relationship with Justin and Betty's relationship with Mike. The majority of the time, I would have to initiate things with Justin. Also he never did PDA. But Betty often mentions how Mike can't get enough of her. And I've seen how Mike is always all over her in public.

I also noticed a pattern of when Justin was the most sexual and physically affectionate towards me was when I was on my period and bloated. Betty apologized to me again. She also mentioned how awful Justin's messages to Vicky about my body are. I told Betty that I've been jealous of her body since I seen those messages.

Betty said she's been jealous of my body since I lost the weight in my early 20s. I told my sister she should go to therapy if she feels that bad about her body. She said she will. I told her I would need therapy for everything that happened to me with my marriage. I also saw my son Randell, father-in-law Bob, and mother-in-law Ann in person last weekend.

I didn't talk about Vicky with my son. Bob, Ann, and I looked through Vicky's Instagram and Ann roasted her. In almost all of Vicky's Instagram pictures and videos, she's sweaty, messy, and wearing revealing clothes. A lot of her pictures and videos are of her at the club. In some videos she makes references to pot.

Ann called Vicky trashy and gross. She also said Vicky looks like she smells bad. I enjoyed hearing that a little too much. My mom Jen (69f) lives in another state so I didn't get to see her in person. Betty and I video chatted my mom. My mom is literally a bigger woman than Vicky but my mom did some fat shaming. Betty and I just let my mom say all of that stuff about Vicky.

I know that my son, father-in-law, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law have all spoken to Justin via video chat. Justin got heat from all of them, and all of them refuse to see him in person. Justin says he still wants to talk to me but I still haven't said anything since that video chat. There is nothing he can say, I get it. He wanted the curvy bad girl. He's free to have fun with her.

The internet continued to express their thoughts.

OneStep420 wrote:

Am I the only one that thinks the husband dipped his wick in OP's sister Betty? There has to be a deeper reason that she's making such a big stink over body shaming the mistress.

OP responded:

That crazy thought this cross my mind.

Accurate_Mulberry_56 wrote:

You’ve now apologized to Betty three times when she deserves none. Glad everything else is going okay but stop apologizing for someone else’s insecurities.

OP responded:

Betty is now angry with our mom because of our mom's comments on Vicky's body. This stupid thing is never ending. Could all the members of my family just stop making comments on Vicky's body? There are other things to criticize about Vicky.

WinterFront1431 wrote:

Don't talk to him.

It will eat at him that you dropped him and never spoke to him again.

OP responded:

I wouldn't talk to him unless I'm forced to. He got his s-xy curvy bad girl. So he has nothing to say to his boring, traditional, soon-to-be ex-wife.

AlternativePrior9559 wrote:

NTA you’re perfectly entitled to feel a certain way about anyone who has broken your heart. If this woman knew all along that your husband was married then I have zero empathy or sympathy for her whatsoever.

However do reserve the biggest part of your wrath for your husband. He is the one that promised to be faithful to you. He’s the one that took the marriage vows. He’s the biggest PoS. I hope you’re able to get some counselling with an infidelity trauma specialist OP.

You really need professional support to work through your pain and anger. Cheating is life shattering and incredibly traumatic.

I wish you nothing but the very best.

labellavita wrote:

You made a comment about Vicky “happily” f-king your ex. Honey, she isn’t happy. If she had to resort to putting down your body to feel s-xy, she ain’t happy. Think about what you saw on her social media.

When people post pictures on social media, they post what they think is the best representation of themselves.

From what you said, her social media is parties and d--gs. Not that that's bad, but no hobbies, no friends, no traveling?

Looking like she smells bad? That's the best representation of herself that she wants the world to see? That ain’t happiness. And your ex, if he sticks with her, is gonna either lean into that lifestyle or learn that it’s not fun. But that’s not your problem anymore. The old internet used to have a saying, quit social media, get a lawyer, hit the gym.

Get on it. You now get the opportunity to mold your life and your kids lives into something that works for you guys. Redo your room. Redo the kids rooms. Move around the furniture. Take some cooking classes. Take the kids camping. Start making memories. Focus on that while your ex is a middle aged loser shacking up with whatever the f that chick is doing with her life.

OP responded:

I'll be fair and say Vicky wasn't the one who put my body down. Justin did via messages, and Vicky responded happy emojis to them. I literally came back from a run, I'm obviously still taking care of myself. I enjoyed guys checking me out, a little too much. My son is happy and healthy, I have money, I'll get a new place soon, I'm okay.