'Mom calls for family change as dad’s neglect impacts kids, asks if balancing family and early job is possible.' AITA?
"AITA for calling my partner a failing dad?"
Anxious-Bedroom531
I called my partner a failing dad and partner. Here is why. And tell me if I am the **hle. We (F:37 partner M38) have two children 4 and 7. I turned out the be the default parent. But I still expect some kind of support and parental responsibilities from my partner. Except my partner is not doing his share of parenting and he is unreasonable with the young kids.
The situation: We both work full time. Me: Monday to Friday from 09am to 5:30pm. I wake up with the children around 6am, we have breakfast, get dressed, finish homework etc and we leave for school at 8am.
The weekends I spend with my kids too. He: Saturday to Wednesday from 4:30pm to 12:00pm. He picks the children up at 4:30pm and usually cooks dinner on school days (except Wednesday and Friday because of sports). His days off are Thursday and Friday.
I work on those days and the kids are at school. He has got two whole days in peace and quiet to recover from his early schedule. Besides the school pick up and cooking 3x a week he brings them to Sports on Wednesday and Friday (I’m at work during those hours).
I completely understand the impact his early starts have on his daily life. However, My partner goes to bed between 10pm and 11pm and drinks an average two bottles of wine every night.
After work he sleeps until it’s time to pick the kids up. In the weekends, when there is no pick up he sleeps till 6pm. I look after the children by myself all day and cook dinner.
The weekends aren’t always easy for me because I too work 5 days a week and rarely get any time to recover. My partner never, but really never helps out on the weekends. Not with the children, not with the household. I understand that he starts work very early in the morning and that this is tiring. But he chooses to go to bed late and drink!
I have suggested many times to move his bed time to an earlier hour and reduce the drinking so that he can be a father to our children and a partner to me. Or even change jobs because this schedule is not easy for him. He responds to this angrily every time. Absolutely zero recognises of what I am suggesting.
He never eats with us. He cooks a separate meal for himself at 9pm. On his days off he does not get out of bed for breakfast with the children or help getting them ready for school.
On Wednesday, when the kids finish school around 12h and picks them up he gives them a tablet and goes to bed until it’s time to drive them to sports at 4pm. The kids are then unattended for hours while he sleeps.
I feel that the kids are too young to be left unattended for hours. He is home but he’s asleep. They are now 4 and 7 but this has been going on for a good two years now. When he is in charge of taking the kids to their sports, he gets up 10 minutes before leaving. (I’m not home during this time) Then shouts at the children for not being ready.
They’re, at that point, absorbed by their tablet and he expects that they are ready to go. They can’t even read time yet! To me, this is neglect! When it’s time to leave the kids are stressed because they’ve been shouted at. Usually dressed poorly and looking a mess.
If ever his daytime sleeps are disturbed by me or the children he gets verbally aggressive and a long angry rant about his schedule follows. By now the kids have gotten a bit fearful of their dad because of his verbally aggressive outbursts.
This unreasonable behaviour has been getting worse over the past year and I can see the kids suffering from it. They will ask me if dad is at work and they are relieved if he is.
Today for example I stopped by the house on my lunch break to have a quick bite with the kids. When it was time to go for me the 4 year old was scared. Her sibling was in her room and her dad asleep. I then have to ask my 7 years old to look after 4year old.
This is not right. My partner woke up from the crying child and came out shouting at all of us. I did suggest to find a child minder for the Wednesday but partner thinks that is unnecessary.
He does not take the children to bed, ever. If I dare to ask for help he will get very angry with me. Usually another long shout about his early wake up. He says he can’t bring the children to bed because he needs to get ready for work.
He claims it takes 2 hours to get ready. (He is a delivery driver) He treats them as a huge inconvenience and is absolutely emotionally absent. I’m beginning to wonder if this will ever change and if it’s time to make drastic decisions.
So I work 5 days, during the weekends I am on my own. eat with the kids every day, I bring them to bed, look after their hygiene, help with homework, make most of the meals (except the 3 weekday dinners).
We live abroad and don’t have family to fall back on. Our friend circle is small. Making friends is hard when working 5 days a week and having no time away from the kids outside office hours.
I’m tired too. I need him to step up and change his routine. He can still take naps in the afternoons but not for 6 hours. The ways things are going, I think he is completely failing at being a dad and partner.
After years of trying to reason and asking for help when it gets too much for me too I have called him a failing parent and partner. AITA????? Or can parenting and such an early morning job not be combined? Am I asking to much and making his live even harder?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Buttered_Crumpet09
You're doing the bulk of the child rearing whilst he spends his time catching sleep, so you're already a single parent for the most part. So I have to ask: what are you sticking around for? What is it about him that you love?
What about him is so special that it's worth staying with him despite his drinking, his neglect of his children, and his rage making his children scared of him? You're NTA for saying he's failing, but dear god, YTA to yourself and your kids to keep inflicting this on yourself and them.
Oldfarts2024
I am tempted to say YTA for remaining with this loser.
Rainbowpeachx
You're not the asshole. It sounds like you've been more than patient and have repeatedly tried to communicate your needs, but he's not stepping up. You deserve support, and his actions are affecting both you and the kids. You're just calling out the reality of the situation.
Lyla_R0o
NTA. you're not wrong, he IS failing as a parent. he leaves them unattended for hours while he sleeps, if anything were to happen he could be arrested for neglect. I guess I wonder why you stay with him?
Seems easier to adjust your 3 schedules without him, even if he just has weekends with him you would still have more time to get stuff done and breathe without walking on egg shells around the house trying not the wake him.
bino0526
As someone else said, you are basically a single parent. You might as well make it official. You and your kids are being emotionally abused, and your needs are being neglected. No amount of talking or yelling is going to change him. For you and your kids' mental and emotional well-being, it's time to move on. Take care. Update me.