'AITA for calling my SIL selfish after she said my boys would prefer her as a mom?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for calling my SIL selfish after she made things personal?"

I (31F) have two sons (15M). Bc of my age, my parents took care of my boys until I was 18. I was involved and they knew I was their mother but my mom wanted me to be a normal teen.

I have a little brother (27M). Me and him are extremely close. He married his wife (Alice-28F) when he was 22 and I tolerate her. My sons really like Alice. She works with kids and loves them so I wasn’t surprised. The first time they met, my sons were 6 and they were always talking about her.

As my sons grew, I worked often n couldn’t always be with them. My parents babysat them and once my brother got older he did too. Now, my brother and his wife babysit them while I work. Thing is, my brother has triplets (4M) n taking care of three toddlers and two teenagers is not easy. He called me a few times saying that he’s really stressed out due to his job.

Yesterday, I went to their house to pick up my sons. I had planned on telling my SIL that my boys are old enough to stay home alone after school and she doesn’t need to have them over all the time because I understand how stressful it is. Instead I was met with my sons begging me to let them stay the night at their house and my SIL asking me to consider it.

I was upset because it’s been days since I got a night off and I wanted to be with my sons.

I asked my SIL to talk in private and told her that I’m their mother and I deserve to spend time with them too. Basically, I asked her to reschedule.

She said that I could join them but I wanted to spend time with just my boys. I said this and she said that was pretty selfish of me because the boys don’t want to. This part hurts but Alice said that my boys wished she was their mother and that I should do better instead of complaining to her abt everything.

I complained to her a few times before abt how they prefer her but she always reassured me that wasn’t true. In retaliation, I called her selfish for forcing my brother to take care of so many kids despite the amount of stress she knows he’s in. She rolled her eyes and walked away. I was about to cry so I left. One of my sons called me a couple of times but I went to sleep.

I woke up to a text from my brother saying he adored my sons ad that he never felt pressured to take care of them. Yes, his job has been a pain but my sons and his wife don’t add to the stress at all. He also said that my house is in an unsafe neighborhood while they live in a much better community so having the boys stay home alone is “irresponsible” and “dangerous."

That just made me more upset so I told him to f-k off and he told me that I could say whatever to him but not to speak to his wife like earlier.

Now, I believe I’m in the right to say what I did because my SIL is acting as if I’m the worst mother despite knowing how hard I’m working. She also made things unnecessarily personal?? But my brother is making it seem like I’m the asshole. So AITA for calling her selfish?

The comments quickly came rolling in.

mogambo23 wrote:

YTA for not appreciating the love and care your brother and SIL are offering your kids and not thanking them. Nothing will change the fact that you are the mother of your kids and I am sure your family knows you are doing your best for them.

But this is not a competition.. your kids are getting love and care from multiple people..be grateful and be flexible. Your brother seems to be a really good role model for your kids.

verminousbow wrote:

YTA. You're putting your own wants over your childrens'. I do think 15 is old enough to stay home alone, but they want to be somewhere where they are wanted instead of being alone. I'm sorry you're in this situation though.

voidgirl_cate wrote:

YTA - if the teens are old enough to be home alone they're also old enough to choose that they want to be with their aunt and uncle after school

It makes no sense to tell them they have to be home alone instead of with family if all parties want them there/to be there.

[deleted] wrote:

Dear OP, you are NTA, and this is CLEARLY not the place to ask this kind of thing.

OP responded:

Well yes the internet obviously isn’t the best place to ask but it’s good for perspective and all that. I don’t really have ppl around me who are willing to be objective so just thought I’d give this a try.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

I'm really emotional right now so I’m just going to get right to it. I know people aren’t asking for an update but I wanted to share. After I made my post I read through all your comments and I realized that I was indeed TA. I recognize this however I can’t deny that what my SIL said hurt. Bad.

It bothered me a lot. I even took a day off (which I have never done in my life) because I didn’t have it in me to get up. My whole world shattered and I know now it is my fault. The morning of the 17th after my brother dropped off my boys, they came into my room and told me they had to show me something.

My boys are really musically talented and turns out they made a video of them playing a song for me. I burst into (happy) tears. My birthday is today actually and they planned on showing it to me today but were aware that I was upset and apparently my brother found out I stayed home from work and they all decided to show it to me earlier.

I don’t think you all understand how I feel. I’ve always been so insecure and like many of you mentioned, I have always been jealous of how well Alice connected with my boys and thought I couldn’t compare to her.

And after what she said, I felt much worse. But I know that I have nothing to be jealous or insecure about. Yes, my boys adore my brother and his wife but I’m their mother and they love me too. They reassured me on it and I told them that I loved them the most in the entire world and we basically had a heart to heart.

I even called Alice and we both apologized. She said that she was upset because one of my boys had been upset about how I wasn’t at one of his recitals and instead of making an effort to be more involved in their lives I just complain. And I admit. I always thought that working-making money for my boys was the most important thing.

That if I work overtime and miss a few concerts it was fine. That they’ll appreciate it in the long run. I know that it’s wrong and although it’s a hard mindset to change I’m planning on making a few changes to my work schedule so that I have more free time. Not now as I’m currently saving up to get a new place in a more secure area but in a few weeks.

I told this to my sons, and god their reactions. I’ve never felt happier. Like many of you also mentioned, I’m pretty freaking lucky. I have the most supportive and loving family and the best sons I could’ve ever asked for. I can only hope to be as wonderful as them.

I know I sound emotional but I’ve spent a lot of time with my boys these few days and I’m so overjoyed. I’m crying typing this because of how happy I am. I hope this encourages fellow parents to spend time with your kids because there is nothing quite like it.

Thank you for the judgment and support :)

EDIT:

I’m sorry for using “n” instead of other variations in my last post. I know it’s bothersome but I wasn’t in the right mind and wasn’t rlly thinking about my overuse of “n”. Also saw someone say something about the chances of people in the same family having multiples.

It’s rare but it happens. My family has a lot of history with multiple kids (twins usually though). I don’t know why or the science behind it but it’s not that crazy of a thing.

The commenters continued to share their thoughts.

Astareastar wrote:

I'm confused why this wasn't an ESH. What SIL said was super mean too. Glad it worked out, but I hope you guys build better boundaries about not saying awful things to each other.

[deleted] wrote:

Same. It was really cruel and callous to say her son’s wished Alicia was their mom. Op sounds like a single mom, and society doesn’t always treat single moms so kindly. Alicia was super judgmental and self-righteous to make a remark like that.

Like somehow she’s a better mom because she has a partner to raise her kids with. I’m glad it all worked out tho. I hope her and her boys can make some wonderful memories together :)

[deleted] wrote:

Alice told OP UNPROMPTED that OP's kids preferred her more and that OP was a terrible Mum. Why? Because OP came to collect her kids. As is her right as Mum. OP was excited about having an evening to bond with her kids. So wanted her kids stay with her that night as planned. AS IS HER RIGHT AS THEIR MUM.

And then Alice started feeling entitled and got rude. Then her brother called OP to berate OP for living in a terrible neighborhood & also called her a terrible Mum although OP is clearly trying and working all hours to provide the best for her sons after having them young and has been clearly struggling ever since.

Alice and OP's brother sound like terrible people. Especially considering that they DID complain to OP about having her kids over after school.

And it's not a comparable situations: OP had a kid at 16 and is raising them on 1 income in a single-parent household.

Brother & Alice have a 2 income 2 parent household and had their kids as adults when they had started their careers and were financially secure.

And yet not only do they complain just as much as OP they judge her for not having as much time to spend with her kids as they do.

If OP stops working, what will her kids eat? Where will they live? Exactly.

OP if you read this, what Alice said was HORRID. Keep your distance from her and Brother. That she could say that to you and your Brother would support it shows that they judge you and do not have your best interests at heart.

You had an evening to spend with your sons, came to get them, Alice said no, (instead of saying "kids, time to go Mum's here, grab your things" like a normal adult) Your kids were being teenagers and saying no and Alice backed them up, and then berated you for not spending time with your kids - the very thing you came to do and Alice was refusing to let happen.

Your kids can decide at 16 if they want to go to their Aunt & Uncles house after school. Don't stop them if they want to but 16 yr olds shouldn't need childcare. (And you're right, neither do 15 yr olds). So there will be no obligation and you can just wait for them in the car when you pick them up.

No need to go in and speak to your SIL or Brother if they think you're a terrible Mum or your kids love Alice more. It's good to make more time for their music recitals in the last 2 years of school but I am sure that your son's will- and do - appreciate how hard you've been working for them and at some point will dislike Alice's attitude towards you.

You're doing an incredible job, keep your head up. As soon as your kids are in the 16-18 age you're good to limit contact with Alice and Brother to essential only. No need to make time for people for clearly have very little respect for what you do or the sacrifices you've been making to provide for your family. NTA and I don't understand how you were ever voted one.