'AITA for calling off my wedding?' 'My fiancé wanted to invite her ex.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for calling off my wedding because my fiancé wanted to invite her ex?"

My fiancée wanted to invite an ex to our wedding. From what I know, he was a d who always put her down and told her that he was the best she could ever do. Naturally, I asked her why the hell does she want him at our wedding.

She said she wanted to shove it in his face that she did amazingly for her self, and she got someone way better. While I appreciated the compliment, I asked her: Are you really so hung up on him that you're gonna make our wedding about him?

Honestly, once I said it, it was like someone else told me. I didn't even realize what I was saying, and I didn't even understand it until I said it. I told her that she shouldn't bother to invite him because we weren't getting married anymore.

She was stunned, and eventually apologized and told me to forget about her ex. I felt angry and almost told her she's the one who needs to forget about him. Idk, she spent the day telling me that she's sorry for bringing it up. I'll be honest, I'm even reconsidering the entire relationship now.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Alice-Shea said:

NTA for calling off the wedding, if her fixation on her ex raised serious doubts about the relationship. The fact that she wanted to invite him to “shove it in his face” shows that she’s still emotionally tied to proving something to him!

Bold_Aria said:

It's your wedding, and you have every right to say who's there. It's a little weird that she's so focused on her ex, and it's totally valid that you're feeling iffy about the whole thing. Trust your gut. If you're having doubts this big before the wedding, it might be a sign to take a step back and think about what you really want.

Eastern_Condition863 said:

NTA. It seems like she's only getting married to stick it to her ex. Not mature enough for marriage imo. Anyone still hung up on Revenge Of The Ex's shouldn't be getting married.

Recent-Lion-8614 said:

NTA. You are very much justified to want to reflect as the wedding is no longer about the you and her. It seems like she want to prove a point that she did better. I think you have to open up a line of communication.

Rikkendra said:

NTA. It's very unfortunate that your fiancée wanted to do this. It raises the question if she is marrying you for you, or if she is marrying you to spite her former abuser. I feel that she loves you very much, but she is definitely still hurting from her previous relationship.

She may need to get some therapy to resolve the lingering pain she feels. I really hope that the two of you can work things out because I don't truly believe that she was being malicious towards you.

TreyBouchet said:

NTA. Any idea if she stalks his socials, checks up on him with friends, etc? I think you are wise to delay the wedding, pull back for a bit. Your feelings about the wedding becoming about proving something to the ex is spot on, would make me super uncomfortable, and I’d need to be positive that she is over this guy. Sadly it does not sound like she is.

Otherwise_Degree_729 said:

NTA. She has a lot of work to do if her fist thought about her wedding is inviting her ex. She needs therapy. What if the ex didn’t want children? Is she going to invite him into delivery room for your first born? She needs therapy and she needs to move on.

Top-Sell4574 said:

NTA. The fact she felt she needed to make him jealous on your wedding day says it all.

FIRST UPDATE:

So we are gonna try some pre marital counseling first. Our wedding has gone from being called off to being postponed indefinitely. My fiance tried to explain why she wanted to invite her ex, but not only did she keep changing her answers, each one made it way worse for me.

First, she tried to explain that she just wanted some payback, I told her: And if he doesn't care? Are you gonna rub in his face our first child? Our first home? She said she didn't mean it that way, and she just wanted to prove her worth. Which I then told her that I guess her ex is the only one who can determine her worth.

We kept going like this for a while, and there wasn't a single answer she gave that didn't boil down to: She cares what her ex thinks and apparently she can't be happy unless her ex felt some sort of way.

She denied it, but honestly I find hard to believe her. I don't want our marriage to be only worth something if her ex is the only one who can determine it. I refuse to be with someone whose happiness revolves their ex's feelings.

I decided to at least try some counseling, we have been together for years now. (FYI, She was with her ex for about 2 years, 3 years later she met me, and we have been together for 4). I figured I should try. So at least I can say I tried.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Miserable-Most-1265 said:

NTA, after 7 years broken up, 4 years out of the 7 with you, and sounds like she is still not over him. I wouldn't dare marry her.

Particular-Radio-320 said:

It's been SEVEN YEARS and she is still this obsessed. If you break up now can you see yourself still being obsessed with her in 7 years time whilst planning a wedding to someone else? KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH OP!

andyroo776 said:

NTA. Time to walk away mate. But the good news is that you have a future wedding invite to look forward to in a few years' time. You will be on fast populating exes table!

Dec8rs8r said:

NTA for calling this off until you get to the bottom of this. The last person I would want at my wedding is one of my exes. She's not over the hurt he caused her, and she may not be over him.

Taco-lover-supreme said:

YTA for not walking away. She obviously is still hungry up on her ex. Why start a life with someone like that?

PuttanescaRadiatore said:

NTA. I probably wouldn't even try the counseling. SHE needs counseling. You need a different partner.

FINAL UPDATE:

We broke up. We went to counseling for months, and I just kept feeling worse and worse. Honestly, she things that kind of reminded of some comments I read on my previous posts.

How he was meant to be nothing except something to be made fun of. I guess she simply did not understand I did not want her ex in there in any way shape or form. Including in her head. I told her I don't want her to look at me at the altar with her ex in her head. She just didn't get it, she thought because she wanted him to feel bad, it was OK.

Honestly, at some point I realized we were talking about her damn ex every day. And it just hit me. I don't want to ever hear her talk about him again. I don't want to hear his damn name again.

I don't want my wife to constantly think about what her ex thinks of her. It's actually been a few weeks since our break up... and I feel so relieved I haven't heard my ex talk about her ex.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:

MikeReddit74 said:

Her ex was living rent-free in her head, and probably will be for a long time. Count yourself fortunate that you’re no longer involved in that foolishness.

broadsharp2 said:

Sorry you went through this ordeal, OP. I have to say, you made the right decision. You're right in your assessment. She's so caught up with her ex, she can think of nothing else. That's no way to start a marriage. Best of luck.

DetroitSmash-8701 said:

NTA. You did the wisest thing you could; you got off the train before it became a trainwreck. Yeah, it might hurt for now, but that will heal if you do the work of healing.

It's not your job to help her get over her old ex, nor is it your job to make her see you. She is who she chose to be, and you seeing and accepting that and deciding that she's not somebody to marry is definitely the smart move to make. Cheers to protecting yourself.

TSOTL1991 said:

NTA. You dodged a bullet. She sounds toxic.

Catblue3291 said:

NTA. It seems like she was using you to get back at her ex. You deserve better than that.

ChestLanders said:

NTA. There is never a good reason to have an ex at your wedding. Even if she simply said "we're just friends now, it's no big deal". There is no scenario where your ex should be at your wedding. Even if you have kids with them the wedding is not somewhere they need to be.