MIL cries after being confronted for keeping kids without permission, husband backs MIL. AITA?
"AITA for calling out my husband and his mother?"
Super_Earth_3334
My husband (34m) and I (32f) have been together for 5 years, married for one. He adopted my daughter from a previous relationship (7f), and we have a son together (3m).
We live directly next-door to his mother (52f) stepfather (49m). My husband and I both work very demanding jobs, but because I have more normal hours, I am responsible for picking up the kids at the end of the day.
At the beginning of the year, my husband and his mother unilaterally decided to pull my kids out of the daycare they going to because “they didn’t think it was safe“. I still have yet to see any evidence that the daycare was unsafe, but they gave me the flexibility I needed to pick up my kids around 6 PM every night.
So my mother-in-law found a daycare, and because she’s a real estate agent who owns her own brokerage, she took it upon herself to pick up my kids when the daycare closes at 4 PM.
She often asked to keep the kids overnight as well, which I’m happy to oblige because they also have a waterfront property and bring my kids there to go swimming and kayaking often.
This past Tuesday, I was struggling to leave work on time and let my mother-in-law know that I was going to be late. Her response was “I’m just going to keep them overnight. You picking them up this late is going to disturb their bedtime routine”.
I proceeded to call my husband and tell him how upset I was that my mother-in-law was keeping the kids without even asking me. I used the term hostage because she’s extremely overbearing and controlling at times.
My husband asked me what my alternative was to the current arrangement, and I suggested that the kids switch to a different daycare and school that’s closer to my work so that I can pick them up at the end of the day. My husband, then insinuated that I was doing this just to spite his mother, and that I needed to go see a doctor and get medicated.
Then proceeded to conference call in his mother without telling me he was going to do that, so that I could tell her exactly how I feel. His mother was sobbing to me on the phone that she didn’t mean to upset me or hurt my feelings and she is easy-going and if I have a problem with something, I should just tell her directly.
By this point, it felt like I was getting ganged up on, so I let them both have it. I told them they were making all the parenting decisions without really involving me, that these were my kids, not her kids, and my husband was a piece of shit for not supporting me, and backing me up.
My mother-in-law and I have not spoken since that interaction, and my husband and I are on very thin ice. I’m not going to insinuate that I didn’t do anything wrong, because I know there are things that I could’ve done better and handled differently in the situation, but, am I the asshole for handling this the way I did?
ETA: I’ve had ongoing issues with MIL and her disrespect of boundaries. I trust her completely with my kiddos, and I am extremely grateful to have her around my kids, but she does not know when she’s stepping over the line.
She’s cut my son’s hair without asking, chastised me for feeding my kids spaghetti-os, she gives me tons of unsolicited parenting advice. When my son was first born, she would barge into mg house unannounced and grab my son. It’s not just a one time scenario.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Alarming_Tie_9873
I'm a grandma. If she REALLY wanted to keep their routine intact, she could pick them up and take them to their home. They are next door, right? And help hubby prep dinner. I've done that more than once. Keeping them overnight can feel as though mom can't pull it off, when that isn't true. We all need help every now and then.
Really-ChillDude
Start recording all conversations. Keep all message. All decisions about care for your children, should be between you and your husband…. Only. Put them back in the daycare you feel comfortable with.
It sounds like your MIL is trying to raise your children. The fact that your husband insinuated you needed help is a big red flag in your relationship. If you plan to stay with him, I would seek couples counseling.
bebejonesxoxo
NTA, she’s their grandma not their mother. You and your husband have final say on decisions when it comes to your kids, not your husband and MIL.
hadMcDofordinner
MIL (and her complicit son?) wanted more sleepovers with your children. They decided without you for the daycare that was more convenient for you, you get to decide to take them back or find one elsewhere.
See a lawyer and get your papers together just in case. Maybe your husband and MIL are preparing a case against you, proving that you are not a good mother because you don't even pick them up from daycare, etc. NTA Be careful.
hikergirl26
The part that stuck in my mind was your husband immediately jumping to the fact that you need to be medicated. That is an extreme reaction to your concern. Then to immediately conference in his mother. You are allowed to have a conversation with your husband without immediately involving his mother. I will give you a NTA but cannot say the same about your husband.
WebAcceptable7932
NTA she needs to learn her place. Making parenting decisions for you is not her place. Hubby needs to understand that too... He was out of line adding her into the call without your knowledge or permission. They don’t get to make decisions without your knowledge. Hubby needs to get with it or I’d consider do you really want this for years to come…?