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'AITA for calling out my mother's behaviour on my birthday? I heard her crying.'

'AITA for calling out my mother's behaviour on my birthday? I heard her crying.'

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"AITA for calling out my mother's behaviour on my birthday?"

It’s currently my 26th birthday and I had a run in with my mum. I woke up received my birthday wishes from my brother, mum and dad which was then followed by my mum asking what I wanted for breakfast because she had made pancake mixture.

I then said that I just wanted a smoothie. I had my smoothie at the table with my brother as my dad was doing some garden work and my mum was away. My mum sat down briefly and I thanked her for my present and excused myself to go for a swim (it’s summer here).

As I returned from my swim with my brother, I went upstairs out of sight of my mum but still in earshot and heard her cry because breakfast was not how she envisioned it to be. At this point I was little fed up, there is a lot of history with my birthday and a lot of unspoken trauma that I had brought up to my brother but not my parents.

Once for example I remember getting leftovers for dinner and two year old cake batter cake. Which I found quite sad as compared to my parents and other siblings birthdays it really felt like there was less effort applied to my birthday.

This has also been a complaint from my mother in the past as the 15-year-old me didn’t make a big enough effort for her birthday. After hearing her cry downstairs I knew that I had another miserable birthday coming so I decided to be proactive and pack my bag and to start driving to see some friends in a different town to make the most of my birthday.

During this she made her way upstairs and was hurt about my actions at breakfast and as she wanted to have a “Mediterranean breakfast” with everyone at the table. I her how I felt my previous birthday traumas and how it felt like this one was going to be the same hence why I decided to leave to avoid another sad birthday.

To which she was hurt by and all she wants is me to be happy. There was maybe a one hour break in between I went downstairs to apologise that she felt that way but that also that I still feel what I feel. The whole thing fell onto deaf ears as she then proceeded to tell me that the damage had been done and there was some back and forth.

I tried to be the better person and tried to fix my birthday, but my mum was not having it. Which made the whole situation worse, I feel lighter after getting these things off of my chest but it wasn’t well received.

The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.

Pure-Philosopher-175 wrote:

NTA. Your birthday, your choices. Your mother is just PO’d that her vision of a perfect family breakfast didn’t pan out. If she wanted everyone to sit down and eat together, she should have communicated that at the time.

She’s being a drama queen and you were right to call her out on it. You’ve had a history of unpleasant birthdays and are entitled to spend the day as you wish. Happy birthday and I hope your day improved!

Scorpionmittens wrote:

YTA. Your birthday "trauma" is that you had leftovers and a box cake one time? Grow up. You're 26, it's no longer your parent's responsibility to plan out your birthdays and make them special for you.

They wished you a happy birthday, got you a gift, and offered to make a nice breakfast - that's about the extent of what you can expect. Adults plan their own birthdays. Not making any plans yourself and then complaining about having "another miserable birthday" is on you.

Lazybluepen wrote:

NTA. Through the most generous lens I can believe that your mother genuinely felt that the breakfast not going how she "envisioned" meant that she couldn't make you happy (since, apparently, all she wanted was for you to be happy), and that upset her.

However, her reaction to your explanation of your trauma, and your later apology was only to tell you how hurt she was, and that the "damage had been done", not truly engaging or trying to understand where you were coming from, and certainly not giving you the same consideration you are giving her now, by worrying that you've hurt her.

Ultimately, from what you have said, it doesn't seem like she's earned the courtesy of going through a celebration you don't want for her sake, and you should be able to enjoy your birthday without it being made all about her.

You telling her how you really feel about your birthday was an effort to reach out to her and help her understand instead of letting her feel hurt without addressing it- far from making you TA, depending on how you delivered your explanation, it's more kind than anything else. That she chose to take it personally and focus on how hurt she is, and not how it has hurt you, is an indictment on her.

TinkerPro wrote:

You are 26, not 6. This is a habit in your family. You have options. Acknowledge that a birthday is really just another day and adults don’t need a reward for being born. Or start making other plans for your birthday. take a trip, make plans with friends.

Accept that your mom is not going to ever give you the birthday that you want so stop. You know she will make it all about her. In fact, simply tell her you aren’t interested in doing anything special.

gfrend wrote:

ESH - it might just be me and maybe this is my issue who knows, but if my mum had made pancake batter I’d just say that sounds great and eat a f--ing pancake and say hey id love a smoothie too. She was trying to make you a nice birthday breakfast and start your day off well.

You say you have trauma from not being celebrated and when she tries you turned her down? She also overreacted and you shouldn’t be forced to eat something I guess so you both suck. Maybe it’s time to have a real conversation about how you have not felt valued in the past and exactly what you make you happy on your birthday

Sources: Reddit
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