'AITA For cancelling my stepson's birthday because of his rudeness towards me?' UPDATED

"AITA For cancelling my stepson's birthday because of his rudeness towards me?"

I married my husband 2 years ago and my relationship with my stepson (12) has never been well. We tried everything but nothing seems to work. His behavior towards me is so terrible, he shouts at me, swears me, and calls me worst “mother” ever.

His 13th birthday is tomorrow and since my daughter (7F) birthday is only 10 days apart we usually celebrate them both in the same day (they are fine with it). I asked my stepson who he has invited and that's when he facepalms (gesture) and tells me that he has already answered this question before in the worst tone ever.

This is where I lost it and told him that because of his attitude I am going to cancel his birthday tomorrow. At first he didn’t believe me since it’s not the first time I intend to punish him without actually doing it in the end. But this time I was serious, and to prove it to him I called his grandparents and told them his birthday got cancelled. He started crying begging me not to cancel but I told him it’s too late.

I got berated by his grandparents because of this and told me that I don’t have the right to cancel his birthday. As his mother I am pretty sure I can do what I want though but they weren’t listening to me. They even told me that tomorrow they are coming to his birthday with the gifts even after I told them not to bother because I won’t open the door. AITA here?

OP asnwered a few questions from comments:

How long have you been in his life? I have been in his life for 3 years (although the first year I wasn't spending so much time with him).

Where is his father? He's a doctor and had to go to another city for a month.

Where is his biological mother? She's mentally unstable and did not see her child for almost a year now.

Does he see you as a mom? By the way he is acting no, unfortunately he does not.

What do you think? AITA? Commenters did not hold back in sharing their opinions:

[deleted] said:

I'm being jerk to a child. Am I the a$$hole? YTA.

pinkpurplebluepride said:

YTA. Lady what the actual F? Birthdays are NEVER something you should cancel unless the kid majorly screwed up. It's such a crappy thing to do. You only get so many birthdays as kids and those memories and experiences are so, so, so priceless that the fact that you're punishing him like this for something so damn petty is making me see red.

I also noticed how you never actually said why your relationship is strained and only talked about how he was rude. You're obviously leaving a whole lot of justification on his end out of this. You need to pray to God to give you some empathy and some sense and then you need to uncancel his birthday and make it up to him tenfold. Over a FACEPALM! Absolutely ridiculous. I wish your stepson the best.

dorofeho said:

YTA. Please answer me what a 13m and a 7f have in common other than being in the same household that would warrant them sharing a birthday? Or does it just make life easier for you? You're an arsehole because you're clearly vying for dominance with a CHILD that you're supposed to be protecting and loving.

Kids are little sh!ts they will be disrespectful and rude it's in their nature. You're supposed to be the adult. I hope his grandparents come take him out for the day.

Demo_Bec said:

YTA. You're not his mother. You're his stepmother and by the sounds of it you're making a terrible job of it. I'm sure your husband will love it when his son goes no contact in the future.

AltKite said:

YTA, this is a massive overreaction. You say he didn't believe you at first because you don't usually go through with your punishments? I think you need to learn about how to consistently and proportionately discipline a child. You say the relationship has been terrible but the tone of your post suggests you put the blame on him. It is YOUR job to make the effort to have a good relationship.

Funkativity said:

YTA for overreacting and for thinking that combining their birthdays is remotely OK for kids that age (even more so in a reconstituted family situation)

So, did she learn from this experience? And more importantly, did he get his bday party?

OP later shared this update:

Since many of you have called me an a$$h@le and after the conversation I had with my husband and his parents, I realized that I did indeed overreact and I shouldn’t have made such a harsh punishment. Some of you suggested if his attitude persists, I should find other ways to punish him like not allowing him on the laptop, let him do some housework, etc. and I will start doing this if needed.

Unfortunately, due to me not contacting his friends on time, his birthday party still didn’t happen on his birthday, it was postponed 2 days later, but my daughter still got to celebrate her birthday on that day. My son was obviously really upset and in the morning he came to me and was on the verge of crying asking me if I did actually cancel his birthday party.

I told him that unfortunately his friends already made plans but if he behaves I will still do his birthday after 2 days. Surprisingly, he was really polite with me these days, probably because he really wanted his birthday party, but I am really happy to see that he stopped raising his voice at me and stopped with these rude gestures such as face palming.

His grandparents were also really upset on me and they ended up arranging the party for him instead as they said I am too irresponsible.

Both birthday parties ended up being successful and until now I still haven’t had any severe arguments with him and I am really happy with the way things are going. Thank you to everyone who sent me dms to support me and provide me tips, especially the step mothers who are going through similar problems.

What do you think of how she handled this? Did she learn/grow from this experience? Commenters didn't think so.

Apprehensive_Data567 wrote:

So just to be clear, 1.) You did cancel his party. 2.) When he asked you about it on the morning of the party, you told him his friends had already made plans, which was actually because you didn't contact them. 3.) His grandparents had to arrange it, because they (rightly) judged that you're too irresponsible for this.

You sound like an evil stepmother from a children's book. Did you apologise to him, at least? It doesn't sound like you did. This isn't about finding other punishments. Who the Hell punishes someone over facepalming themself? This is about you not treating him properly. There's just so much wrong here, and your update makes it clear that you do not understand what's wrong.

And NaryaGenesis wrote:

OH. MY. GOD. You STILL haven't gotten it through your head that a birthday isn't something to hold over a child's head!!!! When he came and asked you if you canceled it, instead of apologizing and telling him you over reacted and having a conversation like any sane adult would, you still used the birthday party as blackmail.

"I promised him if he behaved it would happen two days later" WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F***?!!!! LADY GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR A$$. YTA in general with him.