'AITA for causing my MIL to sell her new house? I snapped at her and she made a rash decision.' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for causing my MIL to sell her new house?"

To start with some background, MIL lives in Arizona and bought a new house site unseen about an hour away from me (31F and my husband (37M) in Idaho about a year and a half ago. After closing she comes up from Arizona and is furious at the state of the house - which in all honesty isn't bad. It's mostly just cosmetic things - clean up the yard, paint the walls, redo the stained flooring, etc.

My husband and I are both very handy with remodels and we offered to help. She calms down and agrees to stay. After a few weeks of making the hour drive out there, we've done a few things like removing carpet, trimming trees, cleaning the rooms from 10 years of dust build up, and sanding the kitchen cabinets for painting.

Looking back on this, she never actually thanked us for any of that help. It was more like she just expected it. She still didn't feel like the place was fit to live in, despite again just knowing it was only cosmetic work it needed.

About a year ago - my FIL (divorced from MIL and remarried to step MIL for 16 years) was diagnosed with ALS. Husband and I shift gears to start helping FIL and step MIL with a bunch of remodeling to accommodate a wheel chair. One of the things FIL asked us to help with was to build a SheShed for step MIL.

FIL passed about 3 months ago. It was incredibly hard on my husband and step MIL as it was not an easy passing. During this time, we obviously had not worked on MIL's house and she was back in Arizona finishing up her job before retiring anyways. She retired a couple weeks after FIL passed and came back up to stay with us for about 5 weeks - again not feeling like the new house was livable.

Husband is tense during this time - really just kind of angry at everything and MIL kept making negative comments about FIL and step MIL - all of which I tried to shield my husband from as best I could. I was playing referee between them. Now in the last 3 months we have been trying to finish up the she shed - flooring, skylights, drywall, the works.

While also working on our own bathroom remodel due to a leak we had two months ago. I could tell MIL has not been happy with the time we've been spending at step MIL's place and not at hers. MIL came up again on Monday and again stayed with us with the intention of getting the new house in a condition for her to move in.

Husband and I were putting the finishing touches on the SheShed on Monday/Tuesday and told her we would we completely free to work on her place after this week. TBH- we really weren't paying her the level of attention we normally do since we were both so busy with work and getting the shed done. Yesterday I was making lunch and she came in and wanted to chat with me.

She made a few comments about us helping "that woman" (referring to step MIL) and how needy she must be, and how her mom (husband gma) was blaming my husband for allowing MIL to buy a house that needed too much work and how we didnt have time to help her. I snapped. She's made these comments a lot before and I brushed them off - so I'm not sure why they bothered me so much this time.

I told her that husband and I are doing our best to help everyone we care about- including step MIL. And I told her that SHE was the one who decided to buy that new house site unseen despite my husband recommending against it and she should be taking accountability for her choices and not putting them on her son.

I also stated that there was plenty of "neediness" going around and that step MIL wasn't the only one - this might have been the asshole part as I could tell she wasn't happy that I was basically accusing her of being needy too. But MIL decided to immediately pack her bags and leave. I did apologize and I told her she didn't have to go.

She said she did and we could talk to her again after we have time and are done with all our projects and "that woman."

She texted today to say she is emptying the new house and will be selling it. Which is honestly fine by me considering it's less work for us.

But part of me feels like an AH for snapping yesterday and causing this rash decision. Part of me also feels guilty for not getting her house ready sooner but then another part of me is frustrated that she couldn't just get over the need for fresh paint on the walls or do it herself if she needed it so badly.

Painted walls to make a space "livable" just doesn't seem as necessary as a wheel chair ramp or a promise to a passing man to help him finish a project for his wife. Though I could see where she felt pushed aside because of this. So, AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

awesomekidsmom wrote:

NTA. Holy crap we share a MIL! At some point, the whining & complaining gets to much because she doesn’t appreciate what goes get done. The fact you have zero personal time because you are spread so thin & she is showing ingratitude instead of gratitude is frustrating.

Then she compounding it by slamming a man you loved who you haven’t been able to properly grieve. Top that up with her jealous nastiness to a woman you care about who needs you support & does appreciate your efforts. Geez hun I think you were more than justified!

But I think you did yourself a massive favour. It’s better she live farther away, you don’t need a needy, incase, ungrateful & demanding person spouting venom about people you love.
Take some time for you & hubby to grieve & hopefully relax a little bit.

OP responded:

Thank you for this comment - literally made me cry. Haha. Normally MIL and I get along just fine and I felt lucky since most MIL relationships aren't great. I know my husband feels bad about her leaving too. But like you said, the complaining just became way too much. Personal time sounds like a foreign concept. Haha. But now without this house we might just have that!

[deleted] wrote:

NTA OP. Please forsake guilt, and see this threatened rupture for the absolute GIFT that it is. MIL bought that fixer-upper on a rash impulse, and assumed her son -- and you as a bonus -- would beaver away (unpaid, yes?) at HER house to "prove your love" and vastly increase its market value. Why?

Do you not have "day jobs"? Why did she assume you young'uns could afford the time and money to feather her nest? Because every time you travelled to work at Casa MIL, that was a 2-hour round trip minimum, plus labour and materials...normally people get THANKED and PAID for that kind of service. Why didn't she do either? Could she be...entitled, maybe? Self-centered? Oblivious?

Anyway, things changed with your late FIL and you sensibly set different priorities and stuck to them, and served other folks. But I bet your MIL thinks that love and attention are a zero-sum game, so that every bit of your service given to other folks is stolen from her. How dare you!!!!

You confronted her yesterday and showed yourself to be a full-grown adult handling a jealous brat. You declined to be manipulated into shame and guilt, she couldn't handle it. Cue another impulse decision: she flounced home basically threatening non-contact with your Hubs, a man who just lost his other parent, nice. Also she wants to ditch Casa MIL, and somehow that's all your fault too....

OP, trust me, the only mistake you made yesterday was in apologizing. Stop doing that, okay? You should RESIST feeling guilty, keep your chin up, and finish that She-Shed (and your own bathroom!) with pride. Also tell Hubs that if and when contact resumes with his tantrum-prone MIL, he will be stick-handling it because aside from distant civility, you are OUT.

Finally, please look up "manipulation by splitting" and "triangulation" when you have a moment, because she's not going to give up trying to guilt out your Hubs and make you the bad guy. And I know you're awesome at home-reno stuff but it's hard to withstand a determined attack on your unity as a couple unless both you and Hubs are rock-solid on the same page. Good luck and solidarity to you!

OP responded:

Yes exactly - unpaid and I definitely got the impression that she felt our time spent with others was stolen from her. She did raise my husband so I think that's where some of the entitlement is coming from- but his dad loved him too and was a kind man.

And yeah the whole non-contact threat was part of what was making me feel guilty too - but agree I shouldn't be feeling guilty for sticking up for my husband and I. Just hard when I don't want to cause my husband anymore stress and I hate that his mother can't see that. But I appreciate your kind words and advice! I'll definitely be looking up "manipulation by splitting" and "triangulation."

My husband and I luckily did have a long conversation afterwards where we both agreed that we never wanted to end up being constantly negative (like my parents and his mom recently have been) and we would both ensure we hold each other accountable moving forward to be more positive. So despite the craziness - we seem to be coming out stronger together and hopefully breaking this cycle.

IndySkyes wrote:

Does your MIL often make rash/ impulsive decisions or is there something going on with her?

OP responded:

That's a good question - my husband and I were actually talking about this today. She does have a tendency to make rash decisions but not usually this big. Usually she just spends too much money on random things she sees on TV. She has been having some health issues over the last couple years and we thought that was likely why she made the first rash decision to buy the house to be closer to us.

BeMandalorTomad wrote:

NTA. The level of selfishness she achieved floors me. Prioritising her own cosmetic house repairs above caring for her dying ex husband and his grieving widows is deplorable. The least she could have done was thank you for your hard work. I’m glad for you that she’s no longer planning on being just an hour away. That’s much too close.

mynamecouldbesam wrote:

100% NTA. Why can't she make her own house liveable? Is she not a fully grown adult? My mother is 78. When she wants changes made to her house, she hires someone. Because it's her responsibility. If we can help, we do. But it's never on us to do her housework.

Six months later, OP shared an update.

About 6 months ago I posted about my MIL threatening to sell her house after I snapped at her over comments she was making about my husband and his step mom after his father passed.

A lot of you pointed out that she was using us for free labor and were totally right. I appreciate all the advice given and words of encouragement. Now for the update - we hadn't heard a peep from MIL at all these last months, until a week and a half ago. My husband and I were on a flight to Peru and she literally texted that she was on the way to our house. No call.

No asking if we were free, just that she was already halfway through the 16 hour drive from her Arizona house to our place. We were on a layover at this point and both just stunned. My husband waited to respond until the next day because he was so upset and just said "We are in Peru" in a text to her, where she just responded that she figured we might be gone.

We talked it over that morning and stupidly agreed that we should "extend an olive branch" since she drove all that way and tell her she could stay at our place, stupidly thinking it would be a night or two. She said she would (didn't even say thank you) since she had a long 24 hours and would be working on her house in Tekoa (apparently she never sold it, though I'm not surprised).

Since then (again about a week and a half ago) she is still at our house. We have cameras on our place so we can see who comes and who goes. She hasn't left for more than an hour so we know she isn't going to her Tekoa house since that's an hour drive one way.

She hasn't said anything to us, not even to ask when we will be back. Our cat sitter is still coming by the house to clean litter boxes and feed our cats and mentioned to me that MIL switched the cat food - my husband immediately texted her and told her to switch it back since our cats are on special digestive-friendly food so they dont puke all over the place.

She never responded to him but our cat sitter confirmed the food was switched back. So at this point, I'm at a loss for what to do. I know she is still going to be there when we get back on Saturday and I'm absolutely f#$king dreading it. We've had an exhausting (though very fun) trip of hiking and biking and I just want to relax before going back to work.

But I'm also torn because I don't want to be an AH and tell her she needs to leave. My husband is in the same boat and we both know she's probably going to try get us to work on her house again, and we both agreed there is no way in hell we will given how she's acted, refused to apologize, and has taken advantage of us especially this last week and a half.

So, any advice on how I can politely tell her to leave before we get back? The last thing I want is to send a text that she will forward to my husband's whole family to tell them how horrible we are for kicking her out. Not that he seems to worried by that, but he hasn't had contact with any family on her side for months and it breaks my heart to see.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Iloveesme wrote:

Tell her you were surprised that to learn that she’s still in your house, as it was merely a stop over after a “long 24 hrs” and ask her what her intentions are? I would not give any information about your plans or returning to work. She initiated this “visit” without any consultation or discussion after not talking for months.

She arrived at your house while you were away, availed of your hospitality over the “long 24 hrs” she had. But a week and a half later she’s still there without asking or even informing you of her plans? I would get hubby to ask her to explain the basics even, as a common courtesy. Hello, as you are still using our house, what are your plans as we are due to return soon?

OP responded:

This is super helpful and a good way to go about it without directly telling her she needs to leave at first, though we will definitely do that afterwards. I appreciate this advice and will use it. Thank you!!

Cursd818 wrote:

Stop being nice. Your husband needs to tell her that you'll be back on X date, so she needs to be gone by then. If she asks why, be honest. You're not going to be hosts after a draining trip, and since she hasn't been doing any work on the house, she has no reason to be there at all.

Quite frankly, if you refuse to stand up for yourselves, then you deserve what you get. Dust off your spines. One uncomfortable text conversation is far more preferable than a leech occupying your house and demanding time and energy you don't have in you to give. Or worse, to find that she's established residency in your home in the meantime and won't leave at all.

LadyEncredible wrote:

Yeah, stop being freaking polite and a damn doormat and go NC. Like geez, what more does this woman need to do before you guys pull your heads out your butts smdh. At this point I think you either.

A. Like the drama B. Like being a victim C. Love being a doormat D. Love the attention you get from complaining about your crazy mother in law E. Exaggerating and she's really not this crazy

Because again, dear God, what more does this woman need to do for you to tell them to kick rocks. Also, it's annoying because you got a ton of good advice on your last post and you just straight up ignored it all which is like ok, so why are you back here asking for more advice you aren't going to follow or do, it's super weird 🤷‍♀️

OP responded:

We did go no contact for about 6 months and thought she wanted to resolve things. But the lack of communication on her part says no, and we should have seen that from when she came up with no warning. We thought this time she might actually stay at her Tekoa house but clearly we were wrong and just wishful thinking. I completely agree about not owing families anything though.

I've been no contact with my own mom for the last 3 years. While I don't regret it because of the crap she pulled, there are times I do miss having a mother figure. Honestly I was the one that encouraged my husband to extend the olive branch.

He didnt want to, so the fault lies with me. But I just wanted to give her every chance I could to prevent him from losing the one real family member he has left (no siblings or uncles/aunts etc. It's literally just him and his mom now. Though now just him and me.

Later that day, OP shared another small update.

Tiny update - I did as some of you suggested. Husband texted her asking her what her plans are since we saw on the cameras that she was still there and we thought it would only be a night or two. She hasn't responded but we saw on the cameras that she started packing her bags into her car. She hasn't left just yet though.

I'm honestly wondering if she just forgot that we have cameras (they are small) and probably asked our cat sitter when we would be back, with plans to possibly leave before then knowing she had about 2.5 weeks? We will give it another day and try contacting her again if no movement. Enjoying the time we've have left in Peru in the meantime :)

The comments kept coming.

steppedinhairball wrote:

I'm betting there is a very good reason MIL and FIL are divorced and MIL never remarried. Yikes!!! Narcissist much?

Odd-Comfortable6134 wrote:

This is why people who’ve had good parents need to trust their partners when their partner says “my parents suck. I don’t talk to them because they suck." You don’t know better than the person who lived that life, and just because you had a mom you miss, does not mean other moms will fill in the space left by her.

Peter095837 wrote:

OP should do herself a favor and stop talking with MIL. It's clear that this is going to lead nowhere and it's just a waste of time.

desolate_cat wrote:

I don't know how much professional construction prices are in AZ but to let the house renovations drama end once and for all OP should look for contractors to finish MIL's house. MIL should pay for it of course. If it is just a paint job and some more finishing touches it won't be that expensive.