'AITA for changing my wife’s book room into the kids' new play room?' UPDATED

"AITA for changing my wife’s book room into the kids room?"

I (35m) have been married to me wife(32f) Ella, for 10 years. We have two kids (4m and 7f). About 5 years ago our house was finally built, Ella was the one who actually designed our house. We have a loft area above our living room that Ella said was going to be a kids area. “Out of sight out of mind” she said for the kids toys.

Ella also suffers from depression and I lot of the house projects she hoped would be done by now aren’t. Personally I think she’s too hard on herself and I do help as much as I can but I also work 60-70 hours a week. Ella has been using the loft area as a reading area, honestly I’m not too sure how much she uses it. I know she read a bit, but mostly when I see her read it’s in bed.

Ella has been hard on herself lately, because the kids toys are scattered everywhere so I decided while she was out to have the kids take everything up into the loft area and put all her stuff into her gaming room (we both have our own separate gaming rooms.) The kids LOVE this area and in the time they’ve been playing up there I have seen no toys.

Ella came home and started crying saying that was her safe heaven area away from everyone and has been really short with me. She claims that she goes up there everyday and now she can’t just take it away from the kids. I told her she can make her gaming room into a reading room but she states the kids go in there and it’s not the same.

I told her she was overreacting and this is exactly what she wanted this area for so, AITA?

TL;DR wife designed house for the kids to have an area in loft, then got made when I made the area a loft area.

The internet has a lot to say in response.

nevernauts wrote:

Sounds like you had good intentions, but a gentle YTA. You are out of the house up to 70 hours a week, so you don't know how everyone spends their time in the house while you're gone. She had it set up as her space. Regardless of how much she got to use it, I feel you should have respected that and had a conversation with her about it first.

LiveLaughLoveev wrote:

Soft YTA. You made a unilateral decision without consulting the person who’s supposed to be your partner. I understand that there was prior communication about the loft being for the kids, but I also understand the need to have an escape when you’re the default parent/SAHP. Your wife sounds overwhelmed, and as a WFH/SAHP, I know that feeling well.

Overall, I think there was just a lack of communication: she should have communicated to you that the loft was becoming her safe space and looked for an alternative space for the kids/compromised her game room for instance, and you should have asked her if she wanted the loft to be her space, and if so—what space could be designated for the kids.

There’s still time to rectify this, perhaps by suggesting to your wife that her gaming room should double as a space for the kids if she wants to hold onto the loft as her space. Communication is key though.

Parmreggit wrote:

Why can't she close the door to her game room and tell the kids not to go in? There is no reason for her to need a game space and loft, and the kids have no dedicated space at all. Ask if she would rather her game room be the loft and move her stuff all there and make the game room the kids' room. I hope she is being treated for her depression.

HypotheticalParallel wrote:

YTA. I realize your heart was in the right place, but you didn't even talk to her about it. Didn't run it by her, didn't ask if this is something that would work for her. You say you didn't see her reading there, but she claims she used it every day. I'm an overstimulated mom and I have no safe Haven.

No reading room, no gaming room, hell, even my bedroom is pretty overrun. Being able to take space away, especially if you suffer mental health difficulties is so important. Maybe she would have agreed. Maybe you two could have found a different solution. But by not having a conversation you took away her agency in an area she cherished.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: I can’t believe I have to say this but, obviously my wife is not neglecting our children by giving herself time to do her activities. As for our 4 year old, our neighbor watches him about 2-5 hours a day we pay them) so my wife can bake for her business and just to whatever she wants.

Final edit: I hear you all, I should’ve 100% communicated with her. I also found out she hasn’t used her gaming room in months so I took away her favorite spot of the house. So we will be moving the kids stuff into her old gaming room and I will be making a shelf so she can organize all her books up there.

The comments kept coming in.

AncientAnywhere9468 wrote:

YTA: your wife is overwhelmed and you thought, hmm let's not ask what she needs done but instead move all of my wife's stuff without even talking to her? Why not have your kids put their stuff in their bedrooms? And anytime you tell someone they are over reacting it has never made anyone magically calm and is honestly infuriating.

Suitable-cataclysm wrote:

YTA only because you made a big change without asking. Yes maybe years ago she mentioned the loft could be for the kids, but it was repurposed since then.

Depression can suffer heavily from unexpected changes, making the world feel even more out of our control. You want a pat on the back for trying to help, and can't recognize you made a major change in the house without discussing it with the person it affects the most.

JenniferJuniper6 wrote:

Nothing good has ever come from telling someone they’re overreacting. Especially if you take away their agency and then tell them they’re overreacting. It seems like a reasonable solution, but you should have discussed it with her first. I’m not sure there’s a real asshole here; it just seems like a sad situation.

jd-2718 wrote:

YTA. A design or intention for a room in a house isn't a contract in blood or a guarantee, and as a rule of thumb you don't mess with someone else's space without asking.

Completely changing up an area that was used by her without bringing it up or running it by her was just a poor decision in general, and using a 5 year old idea of hers as justification for why you couldn't just communicate with your wife is what moves it into AH territory, imo.

Your intentions were good, and I agree that this shouldn't be that big of a deal in general, but your lack of communication and your justification/dismissal after the fact overshadows those.