"AITA for changing my wife’s book room into the kids room?"
I (35m) have been married to me wife(32f) Ella, for 10 years. We have two kids (4m and 7f). About 5 years ago our house was finally built, Ella was the one who actually designed our house. We have a loft area above our living room that Ella said was going to be a kids area. “Out of sight out of mind” she said for the kids toys.
Ella also suffers from depression and I lot of the house projects she hoped would be done by now aren’t. Personally I think she’s too hard on herself and I do help as much as I can but I also work 60-70 hours a week. Ella has been using the loft area as a reading area, honestly I’m not too sure how much she uses it. I know she read a bit, but mostly when I see her read it’s in bed.
Ella has been hard on herself lately, because the kids toys are scattered everywhere so I decided while she was out to have the kids take everything up into the loft area and put all her stuff into her gaming room (we both have our own separate gaming rooms.) The kids LOVE this area and in the time they’ve been playing up there I have seen no toys.
Ella came home and started crying saying that was her safe heaven area away from everyone and has been really short with me. She claims that she goes up there everyday and now she can’t just take it away from the kids.
I told her she can make her gaming room into a reading room but she states the kids go in there and it’s not the same. I told her she was overreacting and this is exactly what she wanted this area for so, AITA?
The internet has a lot to say in response.
nevernauts wrote:
Sounds like you had good intentions, but a gentle YTA. You are out of the house up to 70 hours a week, so you don't know how everyone spends their time in the house while you're gone. She had it set up as her space. Regardless of how much she got to use it, I feel you should have respected that and had a conversation with her about it first.
Damn so you're just another child for her to take care of huh? Embarrassing
lol, we both do equal chores. I meant money managing and managing the kids activities.
So you both work, both do chores, and she still does 100% of the mental load at home? How is that fair?
She works 10 hours a week, if that. I also pay for the childcare while she does that. She makes cakes, and she even stated it’s more of a hobby than anything. She has 100% access to my money and any money she makes she does whatever she likes. She has stated she wouldn’t change a thing about our routine because she knows how hard my job is
Parmreggit wrote:
Why can't she close the door to her game room and tell the kids not to go in? There is no reason for her to need a game space and loft, and the kids have no dedicated space at all. Ask if she would rather her game room be the loft and move her stuff all there and make the game room the kids' room. I hope she is being treated for her depression.
HypotheticalParallel wrote:
YTA. I realize your heart was in the right place, but you didn't even talk to her about it. Didn't run it by her, didn't ask if this is something that would work for her. You say you didn't see her reading there, but she claims she used it every day. I'm an overstimulated mom and I have no safe Haven.
No reading room, no gaming room, hell, even my bedroom is pretty overrun. Being able to take space away, especially if you suffer mental health difficulties is so important. Maybe she would have agreed. Maybe you two could have found a different solution. But by not having a conversation you took away her agency in an area she cherished.
AncientAnywhere9468 wrote:
YTA: your wife is overwhelmed and you thought, hmm let's not ask what she needs done but instead move all of my wife's stuff without even talking to her? Why not have your kids put their stuff in their bedrooms? And anytime you tell someone they are over reacting it has never made anyone magically calm and is honestly infuriating.
Suitable-cataclysm wrote:
YTA only because you made a big change without asking. Yes maybe years ago she mentioned the loft could be for the kids, but it was repurposed since then.
Depression can suffer heavily from unexpected changes, making the world feel even more out of our control. You want a pat on the back for trying to help, and can't recognize you made a major change in the house without discussing it with the person it affects the most.
JenniferJuniper6 wrote:
Nothing good has ever come from telling someone they’re overreacting. Especially if you take away their agency and then tell them they’re overreacting. It seems like a reasonable solution, but you should have discussed it with her first. I’m not sure there’s a real asshole here; it just seems like a sad situation.
Not long after posting, OP shared an update:
Edit: I can’t believe I have to say this but, obviously my wife is not neglecting our children by giving herself time to do her activities. As for our 4 year old, our neighbor watches him about 2-5 hours a day we pay them) so my wife can bake for her business and just to whatever she wants.
Final edit: I hear you all, I should’ve 100% communicated with her. I also found out she hasn’t used her gaming room in months so I took away her favorite spot of the house. So we will be moving the kids stuff into her old gaming room and I will be making a shelf so she can organize all her books up there.