"AITA For choosing my kids over my new husband?"
A few years ago, I moved to a new country for work, looking for a fresh start for me and my two children (now pre-teen and teen). The plan was to stay for two years and then decide—either they would join me, or I would return. Since then, life has taken unexpected turns. I got married to a local, and we now have a young child together.
Now I’m stuck between two worlds. My eldest is settled in school back in my home country and really happy there, but I miss them terribly. They love visiting me on holidays but want me to move back rather than relocate them. My younger child is more open to change, but I worry about uprooting them too. Meanwhile, my spouse is completely unwilling to move—work, family, and life are here.
My spouse doesn’t think it’s fair for me to expect them to uproot their life for the sake of my older children, and I do understand that. At the same time, they knew I had kids when we got married, and I feel stuck trying to balance everyone’s needs.
I’m also not confident about the education system here, and the criminality in some areas is a concern—especially with my kids being at such a formative age. If I were moving them for something better, that would be one thing, but I don’t feel like I am.
It feels like I’m asking them to sacrifice their stability for something uncertain. One option I’m considering is moving back temporarily with my two younger children while my eldest finishes their most important school years.
But I know this will create serious tension with my spouse, who doesn’t see moving (even temporarily) as an option. I also don’t have much of a support network back home, which makes the move daunting. I feel like no matter what I choose, someone will be hurt.
EDIT: I thought I was putting them first by not disrupting their stability with school, friends etc. We still see each other every two weeks out of the every month - if not more. For the last few years. So it's not that I abandoned them and I hope they don't see it that way.
EDIT: I share custody with my ex husband but until that point I had majority custody and then that shifted when I moved away. I also have to mention that even though it's different countries it is actually just under two hours flight or possible to also drive.
EDIT: Yes my husband and I had discussed few times about me moving back. And at first he was ok with it and said that it would be a great opportunity. However, once we got married and had our child- that seemed to have vanished into thin air.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
YTA: "At the same time, they knew I had kids when we got married" - yea, so did you. It is absolutely wild that you expected him to be more considerate of them than you were.You come across as extremely self-centred.
Even your proposed "solution" is a selfish one. You don't get to take his young child away from him for a few years. You 100% don't get to take the child out of the country without his permission. There is no solution here. Just the consequences of your choices.
INFO: What do you mean by this? Do you mean that your spouse should have anticipated that you would want to move back to your home country? That doesn’t really make any sense to me unless you specifically said, “I intend to return to my home country after marrying you.” And I feel like, if you had said that, you would have included it in your original post.
So you married someone in your new country without telling that person that you were likely to return to your home country. And you made a baby with that person. YTA.
So many questions - you moved without your kids and figured if things didn't work out. You'd move back in two years? Then got married in that two years, but don't feel it's safe to move your kids from another country that you left? But you had a child there and got married, and you married someone not willing to compromise.
You've made a series of really selfish decisions, and your older two kids will pay for them. Your new husband doesn't want to move. If you leave, are you just going to leave the baby behind and take care of your older two kids? These seems like a really bad movie plot. YTA.
YTA. You have lived without your children for two years already. You chose to get married to a local who is completely against relocating. Why on earth didn’t you have these discussions prior to marriage and a third child? Also, there is no guarantee your husband will let you take your youngest with you if you move back.
This whole situation is a mess (one that you created) and you are going to have to make choices on who you prioritize…because you will not be a present parent for at least one of your children moving forward.
YTA. You left your kids for two years and created an impossible situation. Neither option is fair for your kids. But obviously you were fine leaving your older kids for two years, at least let them decide what they want to do themselves and respect that decision.
It also wouldn’t be fair to your younger children to move them away from their father and everything they know. They should stay where they are and you decide what to do with just yourself instead of hurting any kids more than you already have.