'AITA for choosing my own peace over saving my engagement? My family thinks I was rash.'

"AITA for choosing my own peace over saving my engagement?"

I (27F) recently broke off my engagement to my fiancé (29M) after 4 years together. It wasn’t because I stopped loving him, but because I realized I was the only one fighting for us. Every argument was somehow my fault, every plan for the future was met with indifference unless it benefited him, and my feelings were often dismissed as “too sensitive” or “overreacting.”

The final straw was when I found out he was making big life decisions (job changes, financial commitments) without even discussing them with me, even though we were supposed to be building a life together. When I tried to talk about it, he told me I was being “controlling” and that I “always had to make everything about me.”

I walked away because I couldn't keep sacrificing my self-worth for someone who didn’t respect me. It’s been incredibly painful, I cry most nights, and wonder if I made the wrong choice. But deep down, I know I’m choosing peace and self, respect over a one, sided relationship.

My friends are supportive, but some of my family say I should have "stuck it out" and that "real love means compromise."

AITA for ending an engagement to protect my peace and happiness?​​​​​​

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Celastr1na wrote:

NTA at all. You can end a relationship for any reason. It wasn’t working for you, and that’s enough. Your family are being unfair - if real love means compromise then where was his?

You are supposed to be a team when you get married, and he made it very clear that he didn’t want a teammate and no one wins when some one “sticks out” a marriage when they’re miserable. Well done for making the right choice for you. Incidentally, he sounds like a walking red flag. It’s better you realised that now.

OP responded:

Thank you! It means a lot to hear that. I’m learning to value my peace and self-worth more every day. Glad I recognized those red flags, too!

Cevanne36 wrote:

Compromise in a long term relationship is not about one partner accepting their needs being ignored long term. It might be discussing a major life change with an open mind but it is not having no input into things that directly impact you.

Some of the keys to a long term relationship are: supporting each other, starting from a position of trust so if one of you does something the other doesn't like, you consider why and you don't jump to conclusions like they are "controlling" and "always have to make everything about them."

See where I'm going here? Because the biggest trick to a long term happy relationship is that both of you have the same attitude to compromising and supporting. It's walking away from the wrong person.

A relationship where one person does what they want without considering the other and thinks / says the worst of the other NEEDS to fail. Because if only one person compromises it isn't compromise and it certainly isn't love. You made the right choice to give yourself the best chance of long term happiness.

Pineapplepizzalvr82 wrote:

You’re NTA at all. I went through something so similar only we were never engaged, never even lived together but together for 7 years!! I kept waiting for some indication he was ready to move forward. It never happened. He switched jobs (we were working together so he left me behind), he bought property alone and wouldn’t let me contribute so it was ours.

He made huge purchases that put him into more debt. He had to refinance his house multiple times to pay off debt which had we actually moved in together would reduce the amount we could put into a house together.

He said he couldn’t afford to come to my place as much because gas was so expensive but the interest he was paying alone on all the big purchases would have covered the gas. Not to mention the principal amount. I didn’t matter. He was building a life alone. So I let him.

PeachGirl87 wrote:

NTA at all, it seems there was an immense lack of communication from his side. When everything you propose is met with indifference and when everything is blamed on you then the only thing you are compromising on is your personal peace. Imagine staying with him while always having to sacrifice it, it would turn anyone unhappy and bitter and resentful towards their partner.

Saving yourself from going through that turmoil too is very important. Compromise is important, but what has he done or sacrificed to reach any sort of compromises? The people in your family mistaking compromise for self-sacrifice are not it as are the ones who tell you to tough it out as it won't get any better if he fails to see what the issue is or refuses to work on himself.

Women already have so much to deal with when it comes to men in society. Dating one that is inconsiderate, seemingly not caring and who isn't open to conversation is the last thing anyone needs.

Unusual_complaint166 wrote:

You are absolutely NTA. I know a lot of women myself included that stayed with men who were like that and ended up with children and 15 to 20 years of misery. Finally I got divorced because the kids were older and that was the the best thing to do.

Your self-esteem gets worn down after a while and you just don’t think that you’re good enough or are able to make it on your own. I’m glad that you realized that before it was too late for you. I wish you all joy in your life ahead!

Pyrotrooper wrote:

Not at all I’m very impressed you noticed that he was not including you and disrespectful in that way. Marriage is a lifelong commitment of working together and he’s already setting the stage that he plans in making life decisions for the both of you. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this but everyone deserves to be heard and have agency in their marriage.

Both sides should have their views expressed and he should have been willing to do things your way as much as you did things his way. Major life decisions should definitely be discussed before they are made and if he’s already just doing it - it would more than likely get worse over time.