'AITA if I consider divorcing my husband over what happened with his female 'friend'?'

"AITA for considering divorce over my husband’s 'friend'?"

Me (24F) and my husband (24M) have been married for almost 2.5 years. We dated for 3.5 years before that—got together when we were 19, right after he finished Navy A-school. Things were good early on.

The problem is this one “friend” of his (25F). They went to high school together and apparently had mutual crushes back then. She had a boyfriend at the time (for about 2–3 years), so nothing happened between them.

But, she did flirt a lot and mentioned she wanted to hurt her boyfriend back because she chose to stay with him after he cheated on her…so she’s reach out and flirt with my husband and it was mutual After the military, they were both single—and she told him she also had feelings for him but that’s when I came into his life. He ultimately chose to be with me instead of pursuing her.

But this woman has always been a point of tension. In the beginning of our relationship, he would compare me to her, and it really messed with my self-esteem. I didn’t like her from the jump because of that. Eventually I gave him an ultimatum: her or me. He said he chose me and cut her off. Except… he didn’t. Not really.

He went behind my back multiple times to keep her in his life. He even vented to her about me. I reacted emotionally, yeah—I was hurt and angry. We fought about it. But then things quieted down… until recently.

A few weeks ago, he went out with her for drinks at around 10 p.m. She told him she had dinner plans with her mom, so I guess drinks came after that. He ended up taking her to a coffee shop afterward. She had Ubered there, so he felt “obligated” to drive her back to her place.

He knew I wouldn’t be okay with that, but did it anyway. Before she got out of the car, she literally said, “I’d invite you in, but I know I put your wife through a world of hell tonight.” Like… what?! Who says that??

She’s baited him before too—once told him she was “scared to live alone” (which I’ve brought up to him), and she always finds ways to keep a connection going. When I express discomfort, he dismisses it. He tells me I’m “delusional” or “too emotional” because I didn’t have serious relationships before him. It’s honestly make me feel gaslit.

After that hangout, he insisted I meet her to “ease the tension.” So we went out—me, him, and her—for dinner and hookah. She was nice to my face, and even invited us to her family’s cabin. But a few days later, she texted him saying it felt “weird” to be around us as a couple. We never went out with her again.

Every plan after that fell through—either she bailed, or we said no because my husband doesn’t like large crowds so a parade/costume party was too much, but he said given her a maybe.

Fast-forward to now. He says she’s acting “unlike herself” and wants to see her again to “check in” and hang out one-on-one. He even told me that if he can’t hang out at her place, then “what’s the point of the friendship?” I said absolutely not. After a long argument, I stupidly agreed to let him hang with her in public for an hour.

Since then, he’s been swiping up on her stories and complimenting her. He says it’s “harmless.” But I’ve also caught him in shady behavior with other women before—like a classmate (20F) from an online class.

He didn’t tell her he was married, and when he finally did, she ghosted him. When I called that out as an emotional affair, he denied it. There have been older other instances which I won’t list since we’ve worked on it and moved past them.

Every time I bring up my concerns, he gaslights me, says it’s in my head, that I need to “grow up.” He claims he doesn’t have feelings for this girl—but also admits she was his “first love” and that “she means a lot to him.”

I’ve stuck it out for seven years. I just graduated, and we were talking about starting a family soon. But he still has trouble calling me beautiful, still talks about having “FOMO” over other women during fights, and even when I catch him staring at women, I brush it off. We haven’t been smooth sailing and he tells me it’s my fault because of my doubts in trusting him and picking fights out of the blue.

I love him. Truly. I don’t see myself with anyone else. But I’m also realizing…I don’t want this to be the rest of my life. AITA for finally considering divorce? Or am I being too emotional? I need outside perspective. Please be honest.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Salty_Thing3144 said:

Of course you are NTA. You have more of a husband problem than a Husband's Friend problem, but you know that deep down. You are not the @$$hole for considering divorce. Far from it. That is exactly what you should do.

You can love someone but be unable to live with them, and that is what you have here. I am sorry that you wound up in this predicament. It is not your fault, and you did everything you could to make it work. If you are looking for validation to divorce, I am giving it to you. I hope you find real love someday.

bino0526 said:

Find your value and self-worth in yourself. This relationship has expired. Leave and let him become a single man because that's what he wants to be. Stop being second in his life. That's what you are.

Move on and don't look back. Take care of yourself and heal. Eventually, you will find someone who will be loyal, honest, and trustworthy and who will love you genuinely. You deserve that kind of partner.

As Whitney Houston sang, "Learning To LOVE YOURSELF Is The GREATEST LOVE OF ALL."‼️‼️ Take care Updateme

writing_mm_romance said:

So...he's going to end up sleeping with her, you know that right? (If he isn't already) Leave him. He's shown you time and time again that you're not going to be the one he chooses. So, take the choice away from him and choose yourself, by leaving him.

Known-Quantity2021 said:

Your husband is doing everything in his power to make you leave. You can't see it. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and ask for a divorce. This way his hands are clean. The minute you leave he is going to be with her. Leave now on your own terms. He has no love or respect for you because you wouldn't be feeling this way if he did.

Miserable_Camp_8946 said:

NTA you two are no longer compatible as he has always wanted to be with her.

WinterFront1431 said:

Girl, i would tell him bluntly. This b-word you claim to have no feeling for is hurting me but you're choosing to do that and I can't continue this relationship. The one who needs to grow up is you. I know how boundaries and respecting my partner work and clearly you don't. So you can carry on your little affair but I'm out.

Then I'd tell him to leave or I'd pack up and leave. There is 90% chance that they slept together the time he went over there but they're 100% having an emotional affair. Put your foot down girl