Husband’s bond with stepson shattered as ex-husband takes credit for his efforts. AITA?
"AITA for considering divorce over my wife’s ex behaviour?"
Yesterday, I posted this, but it got deleted because I replied harshly to an unkind comment. For a recap: I’ve been with my wife for six years (married for 1.5 years). Her son, let’s call him Jake, is 9. He used to call me “Dad,” and we had a great bond.
Five months ago, his biological dad showed up. Since then, Jake has been repeating things his dad says and constantly insulting me. I went from "he is my dad" to " he is just my mom's husband ! Hahaha." I talked to my wife about it, but she thinks he’s just a kid and that I should let it go.
Last week, Jake called me because his dad, who was supposed to pick him up from school and then take him shopping for his mom’s birthday, bailed on him. I stepped in, took Jake shopping, and we had a good half-day together. I paid for the gift he picked out. I dropped him off at his dad. He was sleeping and forgot about even picking Jake up from school!
On my wife’s birthday, Jake lied and said it was his dad who took him shopping and paid for the gift (despite his dad never having a job or paying child support). His dad graciously accepted all the compliments and even made fun of the gift I gave my wife. My wife, however, didn’t say a word to him.
After the party, when Jake went to his dad’s, I told my wife I was upset that she didn’t stand up for me. She rolled her eyes and said, “Why? Because he was more thoughtful than you?”
I told her the truth about what happened, but she didn’t believe me. I even showed her my credit card statement and phone logs proving that Jake called me on Tuesday. Frustrated, I left to stay with my brother because I can’t be around someone who doesn’t trust me.
Here’s the thing: My brother thinks I’m right. My mother-in-law has messaged me a million times, saying it’s a misunderstanding and that I’m overreacting. My wife hasn’t apologized.
She came over yesterday and said she feels stuck because she doesn’t want to make her son feel bad about his dad. She keeps saying, “He’s just a kid, and you should be the bigger person.”
When I asked if she was apologizing, she said no. She insisted it was just a misunderstanding and added that she’s seen how much her ex has now been trying.
Then she said I was acting like a “needy man baby.” I told her that if she thinks so highly of her ex and doesn’t see my efforts, she should leave because she clearly doesn’t get my point. She doesn’t seem to care about any of the effort I put in.
Her response? “That’s exactly what I’m saying—you’re acting like a needy baby who needs a reward. You need to man up if you love me.” So now I’m torn. Should I start talking to a lawyer because there’s no point in working on this? Or am I overreacting and should we try counseling?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Start detangling your life now.
I feel bad for the kid but NTA.
Yep the kid is going to get terrible lessons from both of them and likely grow up just like deadbeat dad. But sadly that’s not OP’s problem and the kid’s parents have made that abundantly clear.
While I understand her desire for there to be a bond between her son and her ex, I do not understand her total disrespect for you. She didn’t believe you, called you a liar, refused to apologize, gaslight you, and then called you names. She’s an AH.
By the way, your stepson used you, lied about you and then embarrassed you. At that age, these are still AH moves The ex is a piece of garbage AH. Unless you enjoy this level of disrespect from the 3 of them, you’re going to have to leave. Not one of them will ever back down or treat you with respect if you become their punching bag. NTA.
Nta but you need to get out. The child has already been manipulated into trusting dad. And from the comments given to you from your wife I’m guessing she is talking and Might even be rekindling stuff. Women who date AHs will usually fall back into that behavior. They have some kind of weird need to be abused. Have no idea why but I’ve seen it time and time again.
Calm_Let3806 (OP)_
I agree! He is repeating word by word what his dad is saying and my wife refuses to correct him.
You are not overreacting. Trust is the most important thing in a marriage. The kid, bio dad, and your wife all effed you over. Her not believing you was the worst. Thank God you don't have a child with her.
It's time to evaluate your life with this woman. Apparently, she is using you for financial support for her and the boy. You can't let them walk all over you or they will. Your life will become a living hell. Please stand up for yourself.
When she said this to you: “That’s exactly what I’m saying—you’re acting like a needy baby who needs a reward. You need to man up if you love me.” SHE IS PLAYING YOU!!! Tell her it's time for her to go.
Call her effing bluff. Send her and her boy away. She needs to know you won't be her whipping boy. She thinks she owns you already, get a lawyer and end this.
Your wife has four separate pulls - what’s best for you, what’s best for her son, what’s best for her ex, and what’s best for herself. I don’t envy her. And doing what she thinks is best for her son… it’s hard to criticise.
Except what she’s doing isn’t what’s best for her son. She’s enabling her ex to have a deeply unhealthy relationship with the boy. And she’s actively helping the ex to destroy the relationship between your son and you.