'AITA for considering leaving my fiancé over a wasted 'joke' about intimacy? MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for considering leaving my fiancé over a drunken 'joke?'"
I (F,27) have been in a relationship with my fiancé (M, 41) for the last 5 years. I’m currently pregnant with our first baby (due March 2025). We were invited to one of my finance’s friend wedding on the weekend. It was a beautiful wedding and everyone was having fun. All the guests at our table were my fiancé’s friends and their SO.
For obvious reason, I was the only sober one and everyone else was drinking. The others guys at our table started joking about that old joke that their poor friend (the groom) will never receive an or-l. Suddenly my dr-nk fiancé interrupted them and said well it won’t happen to him because in our house it’s on command and she is not allowed to say no. His dr-nk friends high-fived him.
I was mortified and other women gave me a weird look. He went on and on that you gotta set the expectations before getting serious and she knows her job! Even when the baby comes she knows her job or I’ll show her the door! It was so gross! He kept going on and on about “sure! Her body needs time to recover after birth but her mouth can pull the weight meanwhile!"
At this point his friends started joking even more. I left the table and got an Uber and went home. My drunk fiancé came home and passed out. The next day I told him he embarrassed me and I was horrified. I asked is he really gonna kick me out of if I ever say no to him? He said of course not! I was drunk and stupid and said some dumb s--t.
I told him I was so embarrassed and he thinks I’m over reacting and no one will even remember because everyone was super drunk. I have been really distant and he keeps saying I’m over reacting and I should get over myself.
AITAH for considering leaving him?
The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.
[deleted] wrote:
How have the last 5 years been up to this point? Any other signs he's a douchebag? While in poor taste he was probably just trying to impress his friends, but he was definitely out of line and disrespectful and should be ashamed of what he said.
You aren't overreacting to feel the way you do and if he is trying to play down disrespecting you in front of his friends I would think back to his past behaviors and see if this is a drunken one off of if you have overlooked other things he has said or done.
OP responded:
Things have been normal. I can’t say everything has been perfect. He does drink on special occasions. Usually when he hangs out with his friends. When he has his friends over for guys night I usually hang out with my mom.
EarthsMoon927 wrote:
There’s a reason he is with you. Most women his age would not put up with him. 🚩
Country-girl7053 wrote:
NTA. That is a mortifying thing to say about your SO. That would make me really have some serious thoughts about whether this relationship is something I'd want to stay in. It's so dehumanizing. He just turned you into a fuck toy on demand.
OP responded:
It was so gross! He kept going on and on about “sure! Her body needs time to recover after birth but her mouth can pull the weight meanwhile!" Omg I was mortified! I just left.
Oh_sheaintright wrote:
NTA at all, If those are the things he says in front of you what does he say behind your back? Imagine you have a daughter and she has a boyfriend, then imagine how you would feel if her boyfriend said those things about her.
Wouldn't you hope that she would respect herself enough to leave a man who obviously does not respect her at all? You probably know somewhere in your head that it is a mistake to stay with him. Get out while the getting is good.
Two months later, OP shared an update.
I (F,27) still have people messaging me and asking about update so I thought I just write one.
Short version: after 5.5 years he (M, 41) walked out on me and the baby (due March). He ended the relationship via text message.
Long version: Yesterday, after coming home from a 12-hour work shift, I went to bed and completely passed out. Before my pregnancy, we had agreed that if I was too tired and he wanted intimacy, he could initiate without waking me.
However, things have been rocky between us lately. He told me my pregnant belly is a turn off (I used to be fit), and I told him then no more intimacy! I assumed he understood it means while sleeping too.
Anyway, yesterday, as I was in a deep sleep, I woke up feeling weird. He was going at it while I was lying on my side.We had a huge fight after that, and he accused me of overreacting. He left for work and told me I’d better apologize when he got back. I told him to go f*** himself.
Later that evening, he sent me a text saying he couldn’t do this anymore and that it was over. He ended our relationship over text - after 5.5 years! I was at work when I got the message and started crying. I took the night off and went home to talk to him, thinking he was just angry and trying to scare me. But it’s really over. We talked, and he confirmed it.
Thankfully, I don’t have to move out. He’s moving in with his mom, so I’ll stay in the apartment and cover the full rent. I apologized for calling him that during the fight, but he said it didn’t matter. He explained that it wasn’t just about the fight—he’s been miserable for a long time and wants out. He admitted he should’ve ended things sooner.
He told me, “You dragged me into something I didn’t want. I hate how much you’ve changed, both physically and emotionally. Now you want to work part-time? I just don’t want these changes.” (I had told him earlier I wanted to work part-time until I gave birth because I was in pain, but he didn’t like it.)
He added that when the baby is born, we’ll talk about some sort of arrangement so the baby can see his mom and, occasionally, him. But he admitted, “I’m not a dad type—let’s get real.” He said he feels relieved that he doesn’t have to pretend to be excited about the baby or come to any baby appointments. He said he was trying hard because of his mom’s pressure but he never wanted this baby .
I’m just relieved he didn’t kick me out because it’s snowing, and I would have been homeless. Still, I feel devastated. I know my family, his family, and friends will blame me for not making the relationship work. I don’t even know what to do or where to go from here. Task-wise, nothing will really change—I was already doing all the housework anyway.
After putting up with everything, he ended things with me right before Christmas—six months pregnant—knowing my family isn’t supportive. I feel lost. I thought being older than me means more mature (I’m 27, he is 41). I was wrong. I was a fool.
The internet had OP's back all the way.
HJemmelsen wrote:
I am absolutely 100 percent certain that there was a hundred red flags about this guy that she completely ignored, or willfully explained away.
chiefpassh20s wrote:
I know people will say age is just a number, but there was a 14 year difference in ages between them. It was always going to end badly.
I hope OP is able to have a good support system for her and the baby.
Yessir0202 wrote:
Bro I’m 22 and cannot imagine dating and being with a 36-year-old.
DM-me wrote:
Every story I read like this I'm glad my cutoff age is six years older than me. If the internet is anything to go by, older almost never means maturity.