"AITA for considering not going to my sister’s wedding?"
I don't want to go to her wedding because she has decided to invite both my dad and my aunt, aka his sister. My aunt just posted some photos with my dad and his new wife over the holidays, and my mom was very triggered, and my sister does not want to pick sides, so she's just playing the neutral part and trying to invite everybody and assuming that my mom and I are just going to put up with it...
When my dad left us in such a savage way. He cheated on my mom and then left us in financial ruin. My sister didn’t get affected because she (luckily for her) found a job immediately after graduating from grad school and was living with her boyfriend. I didn’t get so lucky and moved back home where I was looking for a job for over a year.
During this time, I had to witness my mom struggle and make ends meet, the mortgage payments were bouncing because my dad was draining their one and only joint account and spending it on this other woman and basically neglecting our home. They ended up selling the house, and years later, my mom is still recovering financially from this divorce.
I don’t want to even be in the same room as this guy. His sister (my aunt who posted the photo) and his parents are all co-signing this behavior and pretending like this is acceptable. My sister is trying to play neutral and I’m worried about the pushback I will get for not wanting to go to my sisters wedding merely because “she’s your sister,” “you have to go” “just suck it up for one day to support her”…
When I know full well that if she had been in that situation, she would not have been okay with it. It reeks of lack of empathy to me. My boyfriend also thinks if I don’t go, I’ll blow up my relationship with my sister and he thinks I’ll regret it as she’s my only sibling. I argue that my boundaries should matter too, but he thinks I’m doing this purely out of anger.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
lisa_lionheart84 said:
Is your mother going to the wedding? How big is the wedding? Regardless, I think that, gently, YTA. Your father is a much bigger ahole, of course, and what he did to you and your mother is terrible. But your sister is allowed to decide she wants to preserve a relationship with him--she's not an ahole for inviting him.
Your boyfriend is right that if you don't go, it will be a devastating blow to your relationship with your sister. If the wedding is more than, say, 50 people, you'll be able to avoid your father. Think of it this way: What's bigger, your love for your sister or your hatred for your father? I hope it's your love for your sister.
truth_fairy78 said:
Soft YTA but protesting and missing out on your sister’s wedding is not nearly as satisfying as snubbing your father in person. Just a pro tip from someone who’s been there. Now his wedding, if he ever has one, you should not attend. That’s the place to make a statement.
pottersquash said:
YTA. Your care/love for sister should be stronger than your dislike/valid issues with anyone really. Why deny your sister just to send a message to your dad? Sometimes the relationships we want to maintain should take precedent over the bridges we want to burn, especially on such a singular special occasion.
Queasy-Doughnut-5512 said:
YTA. A wedding is never about you but the bride and groom. Spend one day honoring their commitment to each other. Unless it’s a destination wedding then f that don’t go.
ClaireyxFairy said:
YTA. Your dad wasn't the reason your mum couldn't afford the mortgage/other bills, you were the one financially responsible for that. Your dad moved out therefore the bills were no longer his to pay.
Then you moved in, didn't get a job and your mum struggled to support 2 adults. Grow up. Go to the wedding or don't but stop blaming other people for problems you contributed to.
40DegreeDays said:
YTA. If you weren't working for that full year it sounds like you were also "draining their one and only joint account"- why didn't you get even a temporary crappy job in the meantime if you were watching your mom "struggle [to] make ends meet?"
You also clearly are resenting your sister based on things like "luckily for her," "pretending this is acceptable," and "lack of empathy for me". Lack of empathy FOR YOU? If anyone has a right to be upset, it's your mom, not you. I notice you don't say anything about her being upset, just you being performatively upset on her behalf.