'AITA for contacting my ex's fiancé on social media without his consent?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for contacting my ex's fiancé without his consent?"

I (30F) was engaged to Anthony (32M) 4 years ago. Our relationship ended for a number of reasons but we had been together since high school. We did not have the best ending and there was a lot of hurt. I moved across the country when I moved out of our shared home. We cut contact following our split and have remained no contact ever since.

We have mutual friends still so I occasionally receive updates about his life and I am sure he receives the same. 5 years ago, Anthony’s mother, Liz passed away after a long illness and because we were engaged, Liz had given me a letter and a wrapped gift that she wanted me to give to Anthony on our wedding day.

It was not specific to our wedding day but since she knew she would not be there she decided I should be the one to do it. She asked me to just keep it between us (she did not want her ex-husband or other kids to know).

8 months later when we actually called off the wedding, I had forgotten about these items as I had stored them in my childhood bedroom for safekeeping, and in the midst of moving across the country, I left the items behind which I am aware was careless.

Fast forward to now and I recently learned that Anthony is engaged to Beth (30s) and my first thought was that I am really happy for them and wish them all the best. I then was thinking about our canceled wedding and his mom. I really loved her like a second mom and I was struck with the sinking feeling that I still had the letter and gift from her and that I had never returned it to the family.

I then remembered Liz asking me not to share it with her other children or ex-husband and while I was unsure of the exact reason, I think it is because she had done the same for her other children but I am not sure who is holding on to their letters and gifts. I brought it up to my husband and explained how guilty I felt about still having these things and I just did not know what to do.

Together we talked through all the different options I could have called him but felt it would ruin the surprise on the actual wedding day which is what his mom wanted. I could have contacted a sibling but then I feel like it would have ruined their surprise since they are not married yet. I thought about relatives but I just don’t know who. I settled on Beth. It just felt right that Liz wanted it to come from his soon-to-be wife.

I reached out to her via social media DM and wrote her an extensive letter detailing what I have stated above. I told her she could do with this information what she wanted but that would be in my hometown next month and would love to get these items to her. Apparently, this was the wrong thing to do. She told Anthony about this my message and he is pissed that I reached out to her.

He says I have no business contacting his fiancé. I am torn now because I was honestly trying to honor his mother’s wishes and return the items to their rightful owner. I really felt like I was doing the right thing for everyone.

The internet was both fascinated by and invested in the situation.

BigBigBigTree wrote:

'He says I have no business contacting his fiancé.' You explained your business with the fiance pretty succinctly here, actually. NTA and good f-ing luck to his future wife.

SmokEMcTokes wrote:

NTA. But I can see why you broke up, what a delightful guy...

OP responded:

It was not great. I had gotten a job in another city, we both agreed that I should take it and then he decided at the last minute he didn't want us to go. I ultimately decided to go anyway and he thought I would stay. He was very angry I did not stay. His version of events is usually that I "left him right after his mother died."

sma11ax wrote:

Why not just contact Anthony to explain everything you mentioned above? Like, "hey, Anthony, long time no speak. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I just recently found a gift and letter that Liz wanted me to give to you at our wedding. I'm not sure if you want these items or not, but it only seems right that I should ask."

At the end of the day, Liz wanted her gifts to reach her son...it sounds like you were the vessel. Anthony is her son, and whatever she entrusted you to pass on to him should have been passed on to him, if he was even remotely interested, not to Beth. I honestly don't understand all the people saying you're NTA...there was really no reasonable excuse to reach out to his fiance in this situation.

I get you thought you were doing right by his mom, but you handled this whole situation poorly, and I can't help but wonder if subconsciously, you were looking for an excuse to contact/meet his fiance. Soft YTA.

OP responded:

"Why not just contact Anthony to explain everything you mentioned above?"

I didn't want to take away the opportunity for him to receive this surprise from his mom on his wedding day.

I really felt that if Beth was cool with it, it would be awesome if she could give it to him just like his mom wanted (well his mom thought it would be me but just from the bride).

Man_at_arms84 wrote:

NTA - you were trying to fulfill his Mother's wishes. His fiancé had the option of responding or not, you at least gave that option. It may have been a bit of a shock to receive the contact but if you accept that someone has a past you have to accept that sometimes that past may sometimes come into contact with your present.

Mother_Tradition_774 wrote:

NTA but you probably should have contacted your ex or even a friend of his instead of his fiancé. The fiancé doesn’t know you and because of that she has reason to believe that you’re just trying to start drama. I realize that you were trying to get to gift to your fiancé in accordance with his late mother’s wishes but that kind of went out the window when you and your ex called off the wedding.

You should have just sent him a message informing him that you have a gift his mother gave you to give to him years ago that you forgot about and you’ll be happy to mail it if he wants it.

OP responded:

I know I could have reached out to him or his siblings but not without spoiling his mom's plans. She wanted him to have it on his wedding day from his wife. I was trying to honor her wishes. I thought about all the possible scenarios and chose the one I thought most reflected what his mom would have wanted and also gave everyone a choice.

If I told him, it ruins that moment between them, if I told a sibling, it steals their future moment, if I told his dad, I risked him not knowing about any of this and not following through, I thought about his mom's sister but I'm not sure what the status of that relationship is.

The only person I could think of that was in a position to not cause all that collateral damage is the person who is in my former position when the gift and letter were handed over.

sadeyesone wrote:

Context goes a long way here. It kind of really matters how/why your relationship ended. If he had no desire to see you again, or hear from you again, and (<—- that’s a big one) you knew he didn’t want to hear from you again, you should’ve have given it to a “mutual” friend that’s been keeping you posted on his life, and have them deliver it.

Your intentions were good. I lean towards NTA - BUT if you’re up here drumming up a terrible past experience that he’s doing his best to forget, then it’s kinda a dick move.

OP responded:

So he never said "he never wanted to see me again" We did not have a lot of time between calling off the wedding and me moving (3 days) so we did not really talk about much.

I left and a few weeks later met my husband (we were friends but we leaned on each other) and I pursued that relationship rather than attempting to repair my relationship with my ex which was something my ex expressed to friends but never to me.

The last time we had any communication was the day I left our shared apartment. There were hurt feelings and there was no further communication but it was not a "I never want to talk to you again" situation.

TheLongistGame wrote:

Going NAH as it sounds like this is a complicated situation and we don't have the perspective of the ex regarding how the relationship went down and how he feels about OP. So I don't want to judge his reaction as TA. I think your intentions were good, and I understand the process for how you landed on reaching out to the fiancee. That said, I think it was the wrong move.

She doesn't know you and had no reason to believe you had good intentions. Therefore she was justified in showing it to her fiance, your ex. His response is what clued me in that there are some obvious unresolved issues and he has a reason (valid or not) for being against you contacting his fiancee.

Personally, I think you should just mail him the stuff with no return address. Yeah, it's not exactly what his late mother wanted, but she also wanted you guys to get married and that's definitely not happening. It belongs to their family and they should have it.

OP responded:

I honestly would not have known where to mail it. I do not know where they live and I did not want to ask any mutual friends because I honestly wanted to keep them out of it. I wanted it to be Beth's decision.

A little less than a week later, OP shared an update.

In case anyone is interested in an update to this story. So I heard from Anthony again over the weekend but this time it was a phone call, which I was very surprised about. We have not spoken a word to each other since the day we broke up. Well, he was at a get-together with friends on Saturday and he was still pretty angry about my reaching out to Beth.

He was telling some of the party-goers about the interaction and that I should have never reached out to her. The following is what he told me about their reaction to the conversation. I guess the people he was talking to (not friends I have kept in touch with) thought that he was overreacting.

They told him that it sounded like I was trying to fix a mistake that I made and did not mean any harm. So then his best friend, Mike, asked him why he was really angry. Anthony said this got him thinking about his reasoning and he realized he wasn't actually mad about my contact with Beth but the fact that 4 years ago I actually moved and cut contact.

He said that when he decided not to move, he was sure I would change my mind and that when I left it was a total shock to his system and he was really angry with me.

I acknowledged that the way I left was terrible but also implored him to take responsibility that he completely blindsided me and left me with very few options. He apologized for this and for his anger and I apologized for leaving and cutting contact.

I let him know the dates I will be in town and I would happily send the items to them if he gave me his address. Instead, he asked if he could come to pick them up which I said is fine. Overall, it was a good conservation that I am glad we had. I doubt we will ever be friends but I am glad we seem to be at peace with each other.

The internet was invested in the update.

Lazy_Crocodile wrote:

I mean, the outcome is pretty decent, but I'm so frustrated by this because the real story is that this fool: - Agreed to move with OP for a new job.
- Backed out 3 DAYS in advance and expected her to just drop it? At that point you've definitely given notice at your current job and secured housing in the new location. And emotionally gotten ready for a major life change

- Is then mad at HER, and tells himself and everyone else that she abandoned him?

I am so mad at this person I don't, and will never know! Ugh the internet.

Coygon wrote:

I am kind of shocked she calls her moving away like they'd agreed - until he changed his mind out of nowhere only a few days beforehand - a terrible thing to do. Kind of shocked, but kind of not. Really that sort of thing would be a big dealbreaker for me.

Internal-Adviser-983 wrote:

This was surprisingly a decent outcome. Watch it get crazy when he meets up with her.

dumb-shakkar wrote:

She was NTA for breaking up after being blindsided by the ex and neither is she now for contacting his fiance for the gift.