'AITA for 'controlling' my wife's free time? I just want her to keep me updated.'

"AITA for 'controlling' my wife's free time?"

My wife and I are in our early 40s with a couple kids so our lives are pretty busy. We try our best to give each other one night a week to ourselves. Our free time to unwind or pursue solo hobbies or whatever. When the weather is nice my wife often likes to go hiking. Sometimes with her sister, sometimes with our dog, sometimes by herself.

If she's going hiking I ask her to let me know where she's going and roughly when she'll be home. I want to know so in case something happens I know when to be concerned and where to start looking. She's grumbled about it a little bit before but it's mostly never caused any issues until a couple days ago. She had her free time night on Monday and told me she was hanging out with her sister.

Tuesday morning I asked how her sister was doing and if they had fun. She told me everything was good and they had a good time hiking together. I said something like "Hey, please remember to let me know where you're going and when you'll be home if you're going hiking" and she blew up at me.

She said she's so tired of me trying to control her free time and that it's not fair of me to try and micromanage what she does and where she goes when she never does that to me. It devolved into an argument from there and we're both still pretty annoyed about it.

From my perspective it's not about controlling her, it's about safety. She's out in the woods, sometimes after dark, sometimes by herself. She isn't always in areas with cell phone coverage. I worry if she gets hurt or lost or something else happens to her I wouldn't have a clue where to send help unless she tells me where she's going to be.

She argues that she doesn't ask for that kind of information from me when I'm having free time, but I'm not doing activities that involve the same sort of risks. AITA for wanting to know where she is and when she'll be back when she's out hiking?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

EmploymentLanky9544 wrote:

"If she's going hiking I ask her to let me know where she's going and roughly when she'll be home."

This is Hiking Safety 101. Anyone who hikes, especially solo, should tell someone where they're going, with an estimated time back.

Twisted ankles happen, and so does getting lost. I find her emotional reaction to your common sense to be very disproportionate. In all honesty, I have to wonder if she is really going "hiking". She was very defensive, and launched into a tirade over a simple question. NTA.

First_Tumbleweed9299 wrote:

NTA at all, and I'm quite appalled at the YTA votes here.

What you're asking for here is basic communication. Any responsible hiker shares their trip plan with at least one person, if not multiple.

My wife and I spend a majority of our spring/summer/fall time in the mountains; camping, hiking, backpacking, canoeing, kayaking, and biking. Even if we're just going on a front country camping trip for a few days, we tell both of our families our plans, including estimated departure and arrival times.

We also let them know when we leave and when we're on our way back home (as soon as we get cell reception). Your wife is being incredibly blind to the risks that she's taking by not communicating with you. Not to mention being extremely shortsighted and selfish. Anything can happen in the outdoors, and it's extremely important that you're informed of the plans.

UteLawyer wrote:

NTA. Your wife is acting like a single person with no children. When you have children and a spouse, you no longer have the luxury of taking off at a moment's notice without informing anyone.

possible-penguin wrote:

I can answer to some of your wife's response as I also feel smothered by how much my partner always has to know where I am and what I'm doing. If she has been the primary caregiver for your kids for any length of time, she has had to carefully schedule her time to ensure she is always available when needed and to make plans for someone else to be there if she can't be.

She's potentially lived through many years of feeling trapped by everyone else's needs while the rest of the family has had the freedom to pretty much do what they need to do on their own schedule. At least, that has been my experience. My work schedule depends on childcare, school schedules, doctor's appointments, extracurricular activities, and so on and so on and so on.

My spouse doesn't have to schedule his day in any particular way, he just does what he needs to do. So when he is up my a$$ about where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm with, etc, it's easy to get really irritated.

He doesn't have to answer for his time to anyone; I constantly have to consider everyone in regards to my time. I finally manage to get some time for myself and I have to answer to someone about it yet again?

That's all I do, all the time, for years on end. Yeah, I resent having to answer to him as well after all of that. Hiking is an exceptional example of when someone needs to know where you are. But I'm not sure her response is about the hiking. You likely have a much bigger picture to consider here, unless you have been carrying the primary load at home all this time.

algunarubia wrote:

I wonder if your wife is actually interpreting this as a demand for more advance planning than she wants to do. Have you mentioned to her that a text when she sets out is fine? Otherwise this is just basic courtesy.