'AITA for cutting off my mom and golden child brother? He insulted my daughter.'
"AITA for cutting off my mom and golden child brother?"
A few weeks ago, I (30f) took my 1.5 year old daughter to visit my mom (54f) and my two brothers, Roy (23m) and Mady (28m). We only see each other every two months or so, as we live 2 hours away. My daughter was having fun with her uncle Roy, and bonding when golden child, Uncle Mady (golden child) appeared after waking up midday.
Uncle Mady immediately started insulting my daughter, claiming that we hadn't taught her any manners. He doesn't know my daughter very well, as he has only met her a handful of times and has not attempted to bond with her in any way. He claims it is disrespectful for her to call Uncle Roy, "Uncle Roy", and culturally, elders should not be called by their first name. I disagreed with him, but kept quiet.
My mom mentioned how a pair of shoes she had bought my daughter did not fit her. Mady started commenting on how big her feet were. He said, "she has gigantic feet like her mother", and then asked me, "what are you, a size 20?" At that point, I had enough and was not going to sit and listen to my daughter, a toddler, getting insulted any longer.
I called my husband (32m) to come get us. As he was running errands with my dad nearby, he came within 2 minutes. He confronted my brother, Mady asking him what happened. My brother started talking about how we need to teach my daughter some respect. I mentioned to my husband that my brother is making disrespectful comments and doesn't know how to speak to others in a respectful manner.
My mom jumped to my brother's aid, saying that what Mady said wasn't really that bad. My husband and brother, Mady got into it with each other. They proceeded to call each other names. My brother called my husband and I both bums, and told us to, "get out of my house."
Mind you, this is the home that my parents have built. My mother said nothing. My husband said that we would never be coming back. My brother, Roy came to the car to say goodbye to us. We have not spoken to my mother or Mady since this day. We have kept in contact with Roy.
My mom did not call after the fact, but waited a week to call us, after my aunt spoke to her. She has now tried to call us once a week, which we have not answered, as we felt her efforts were bare minimum. I want to take accountability for my own role, and I want to find out if there is something I'm not seeing her that I could have done differently. I want to do the best for my daughter. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
saintandvillian wrote:
NTA. What kind of mother sits there and lets their child be attacked? This is the question you need to ask yourself. Mady insulted your daughter and you defended her, tried to get her away from the situation, and had your partner back you up. On the other hand, your mom downplayed the severity of the insults and sat there silently while you were being attacked.
Ask yourself why you and your mom had such different reactions and then be at peace because your mom sucks as a mom. I’d be very reluctant to allow my child to be around people who insult her (her uncle Mady) or sit back and watch her be insulted like it’s a spectator sport (your mother).
GSD_enthusiast wrote:
ESH. Except your husband and Roy. It sounds like you let your brother insult your child and be rude to her without shutting him down. Why? Were you afraid it would escalate? Anybody who talks to my child and myself like that would be in trouble.
My husband would provide the back up or possibly escalate, but I would not take that without tearing my little brother a new one. NTA for freezing our enabling mother, but please learn to stand up for your child without your husband there.
observeroflife35 wrote:
NTA—your brother is and your mother is enabling. Your brother is rude, and is unrealistic with your child’s behavior. For your mother not to address his attitude to your child is alarming!!
For your mother not to advocate for you your husband in allowing to visit contrary to your ahole brother is further proof of enabling him !!! I would not apologize, and I would go nc for period of time. Perhaps your mom will apologize for her lack of respect and support here??
NightHeart21689 wrote:
Mady is the type to live in the basement and leech of his parents while criticising everybody else about not having their s#$t together. You're children don't need people like that in their lives. Just think if he got physical with your daughter one day, your mother would cover it up and blame your daughter instead. Definitely go no-contact.
DistinctNewspaper791 wrote:
ESH. This is your brother and mother, and the problem is about your daughter. You should be the one doing the talking. If I were you I'd shut them down and both me and my child would be ready to leave as soon as husband arrives so there is no needless interaction between the husband and brother. Would have been much a smaller scene then what it end up being.
DBGirl83 wrote:
NTA. He's a 28yo child, who sleeps half the day, still lives at his parents' place, calling it his house, and both parents accept this. Even when this adult child says rude things about their 2yo granddaughter, they accept this. This will never change. He will never grow up, because your parents are enabling him. Let your parents know you will no longer visit when he's at their place.
UninspiringErn wrote:
NTA. You have every right to stand up for yourself and your child. It sounds like Mady is out of touch with reality if he expects a 2 year old to have “manners.” Furthermore he lives with his parents and calls it his house, total loser behavior. Your mom is enabling him/minimizing his bad behavior.