'AITA for deleting my wife’s text that upset me? She can be short and dismissive over text.'

"AITA for deleting my wife’s text that upset me?"

My wife has made it clear to me through our entire 10+ years together that she uses “yeah”, “yep," and “lol” to show she’s basically giving the what the f--k ever reply to whatever she is responding to. She has stated this throughout the years.

And I have asked her in the past multiple times to talk to me about what’s upsetting her instead of replying to me in her basically upset code words. She refuses. It’s always those words by themselves.

Me or someone else will text her full sentences and she’ll respond with only “lol”, “yep” or “yeah”. She never uses them unless she is upset. It could be however long and she won’t use them for weeks, and then something will upset her and she will only use them to express she doesn’t care about what the person is saying and that she isn’t even caring enough to respond to it.

This has always upset me. A few months ago I started to just delete the one word text where she responds with those words so that I can just move on from them and not get upset by them.

Because it genuinely upsets me when that’s the only reply I receive and that when I try to talk to her or ask what’s wrong I’m only given those in response. She recently used my phone to look up a recipe she sent me in the past, and in doing so saw our text from my side, where I had removed the text with one word text.

She is upset and says that I’m disrespecting her by removing them because they are still responses. Even if they aren’t replying whatsoever to what was said and even if they are dismissing what was said, not to mention you only use them when you don’t care to respond??

I said it doesn’t affect the conversations we have, it just keeps me from getting worked up because she uses them with no regard for how the other person feels. I just want to continue our conversations without seeing them because even if I ask about them she refuses to say anything. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

DittoHeadForever wrote:

You're NTA. Your wife sounds pretty tiresome. Everyone else is supposed to read her mind and fix whatever it is she had chosen to be upset about.

It even sounds like she invents reasons to be pissed.

BresciaE wrote:

I mean this is not a healthy communication method on her part at all. I haven’t been married for ten years but I am coming up on 5 years, if my husband were to pull this stunt more than once we’d be having a major conversation about it.

From my perspective a healthy marriage thrives off of mutual respect for each other and healthy communication styles. Passive aggressive nonsense is not at all healthy. NTA.

BigGreenBillyGhoat wrote:

NTA. It’s your phone. You can delete whatever you like.

What she’s ACTUALLY pissed about is that you found a way to properly ignore her digs at you and there’s nothing she can do about it.

ilikeshramps wrote:

NTA. She's immature and doesn't seem to respect you. You've talked to her and asked her to tell you what's upsetting her before, she refused and insisted on continuing her childish tradition of one-word replies. That's behavior I'd expect from a teenager, not an adult woman in a relationship for more than a decade. She needs to grow up.

suddenlyupsidedown wrote:

NTA, next time she brings this up, just respond "lol" and leave the room. More seriously, f--k that. Basically what she's saying is 'how dare you not feel continually punished by the anger I won't even articulate to you.'

This was never a healthy way for her to communicate her feelings, and your attempt at peacemaking was well implemented if misguided as the only healthy thing to do in this situation is to figure out a way for the passive aggressive BS to stop. Given what appears to be a general disregard for your feelings, this will probably require a marriage counselor.

Lanky-Emergency-2039 wrote:

NTA. It's likely that she's upset because the texts with only your side is basically exactly how the conversations are, because her reactions are actually Not "still responses." They're a form of ignoring/copping out of a conversation and a sorry excuse for a reply. So her seeing the texts without her "replies" is her seeing the texts how they make people feel: like she's not replying.

Honestly imo she's being an a-- and needs to grow up and form a better coping mechanism with being upset, as if rather just be outright ignored. She might as well be responding with "I don't care about what you have to say or your feelings because I'm upset." But she won't do that bc then she'd actually have to be an adult and say that she's upset rather than pettily hinting at it. :)

New-Neat-9718 wrote:

NTA. I'm not going to talk s--t about your wife, but I have a feeling that what you've described is just the tip of the iceberg in regards to what you deal with. 10 years...you're a better man than me, brother. Sucks when your feelings aren't a priority in a relationship.

AlethiaBrug wrote:

NTA but this is a bigger issue than just deleting texts. Your wife is actively choosing to communicate in a passive-aggressive way instead of just talking to you like an adult and then getting mad when you try to manage your own emotions around it.

Deleting the texts isn’t the problem here the problem is that she knows this upsets you and refuses to change it You’ve told her it bothers you you’ve asked for better communication and she still chooses to respond like this. That’s the real disrespect.

prw8201 wrote:

NTA personally I'd do that thing where you change her words to something else on her phone. Lol, becomes "I'm personally stressed right now and can't focus on this issue" Yeah, becomes"I'm to busy to care" Yup, becomes "I can't use words to express my emotions."