'AITA for disinviting my daughter to Thanksgiving because she won't host Thanksgiving?'

"AITA for disinviting my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won't host Thanksgiving?"

In our family, holidays are rotated, so one person hosts the Fourth of July, another hosts Christmas, and another hosts Thanksgiving etc. This way, no one is constantly hosting, and it makes it fair for everyone. This post is about my middle daughter, Clara. Clara has always been skipping her host duties, when it gets to her she has an excuse why she can't host.

It ranges but usually goes along the lines of stress or she is too busy. This results in other family members to pick up her holiday. It is frustrating and multiple people have talked to her about this. She bailed on hosting Easter but promised me that she would do Thanksgiving we swapped holidays.

At the time I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word and if she dumped it on someone else she wouldn't be going to Thanksgiving. It usually gets dumped on me. Anyway, I called her asking if she wanted me to bring a dessert board for Thanksgiving. She told me that she could not host because she had just moved into her home (she moved in July), and it was too messy to host.

I told her she could clean since it was a few weeks away. She told me she can't. I know the other kids can't host it, (well one could but she is doing Christmas and its not fair at all for her). I informed everyone it would beat my place this year. I also informed everyone that Clara is not invited this year to Thanksgiving.

Clara was pissed when I told her that and we got into a huge argument. She thinks I am a big jerk. My other kids are split, two of them are happy since they are tired of picking up her slack when this happens while others things this is too far. So outside opinions?

People had a lot to say in response.

Hopingforawhippet wrote:

Edit: after seeing OP’s response, NTA.

I N F O: have you ever had a conversation about coming to a compromise, or seeing why Clara is so adamant about not hosting? For example, do the rest of you have spouses that can help while Clara is single?

Does she have small children while the rest don’t? Or maybe Clara just has the personality where hosting is rough on her. If I were you, I’d have this honest conversation and see what middle ground can be reached.

For example, in my family, my parents always host for holidays because they have the biggest nicest home, and because they live near other people they’d like to invite. But my sister and I often go over a few days early, do the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, and make things as easy on my parents as possible. And when there are outside guests, we take on hosting duties as well.

I’m just surprised that you’d jump to ostracizing Clara from the holidays without figuring out a way for her to contribute without hosting. If she’s only willing to take in all aspects that’s one issue. If the only thing she’s not willing to give is hosting, though, if you love her and want to spend time with her, wouldn’t you want to at least try and figure something out?

_ChloeSilverado_ wrote:

I’m really struggling to make a judgement here because I think the concept of “everyone HAS to host one large gathering” is kind of odd to me. My sister hates hosting people in her space and I’d never want to make her do it just because it’s what is seen as fair.

On the other hand, my brother and sister in law love hosting people and parties at their house. They usually do Christmas, Halloween, Easter and have everyone over.

I usually do Thanksgiving and New Years, and our parents will usually do like 4th of July, Labor and Memorial Day (they have a pool). It just kind of worked out that everyone picked holidays that play to their strengths and my sister has been to every single event and will always offer to help set up/clean/bring things in lieu of official host duties.

I couldn’t imagine forcing her to take on duties that she hates and makes her miserable or tell her to not come to our parties, because I love her. Sure, I get stressed hosting too, but I’d rather have my sister to celebrate with then alienate her and still have to pick up slack. I think I’m leaning towards YTA because I don’t think this should be such a forced procedure.

SoftImagination7322 wrote:

This post is weird to me, why would you try and force someone to host that doesn’t want to? Her hosting is more important to you guys than being with her during a holiday?

The rotation should include whoever wants to be included. It sounds like you’re making holidays way too hard, gather at whatever/whoevers house is biggest and doesn’t mind visitors and everyone bring something. It really doesn’t have to be this difficult.

quietchaos5 wrote:

Question is this something everyone willingly agreed to or were told this is how it is. Some people just aren't good hosts and don't want to host. What about having her pitch in at/with hosts on the prepping and cleaning. Should she flake? No. She should be an adult and have an honest conversation about what's going on with her. But booting her from family holidays seems extreme.

Life is is short and sometimes there are empty chairs over the years. Don't make regrettable choices over this. Have a conversation. Discuss each other's expectations, abilities, and realistically make a new plan. My way or the highway causes hurt and separation. I dunno if any one is an ah or just really bad communicators.

52beesinacoat wrote:

You want to have the holiday without your child? You're okay with that? Your child wants to celebrate the holiday with you but you don't want her to?

Remove her from the hosting rotation. Hug her. Remember when she was a baby in your arms. Treasure each and every day with her. Jesus Christ, lady. There are parents out there who would give anything to have their child home for thanksgiving.