'AITA for divorcing my husband for being infertile?' + UPDATE 8 MONTHS LATER

"AITA for divorcing my husband for being infertile?"

I (29F) have been with my husband (29M) for six years, married for three. We both come from family oriented backgrounds and have always wanted kids. We're financially stable and can provide a child an amazing life. We've officially started trying for a baby early last year.

After months of nothing I started to get worried. I wanted to get our fertility checked then but he said I was being a worry rat and let's wait a year of trying before we get any testing. A year was in February, and I scheduled our testing then.

The results shocked us. We were both ignorant and assumed I was the one with the issue if there was one. I mainly see women talking about being infertile so it didn't cross our mind it could be something else. The doctor calls us and in one of the worst days of our lives tell us that my husband has a condition called azoospermia, meaning he has no sperm.

In his case they say that the surgery to extract directly from his testicle doesn't seem that it will yield high results but it wouldn't hurt to try. My husband and I were devastated. I wanted us to explore all routes. Him taking the medication and getting the surgery, and if that fails either a sperm donor or adoption.

I understand this is life changing news especially for my husband, but since February he's refused to do anything about it. He said he doesn't want to take meds and get the surgery if it will be a waste like the doctor thinks.

That using a sperm donor makes him feel emasculated and he doesn't want to raise my child with another mans DNA (even if it's from a relative of his) and that adoption isn't something he's ever wanted. I have no one to talk to about this in real life since he doesn't want his diagnosis out there. It's been affecting me really bad mentally.

There's nothing more I want than to be a mom. I've begged him to go to therapy and he refuses saying he accepts it, I'm the one that isn't. Everytime I try to start a conversation he shuts it down by saying that we will never have a child together, he will never be able to be a "real" dad so to move on.

I know what I want for myself. That's motherhood. I am willing to go down any avenue to motherhood but he doesn't want to. I realized this past summer that he's right, we will never have a child together. I had one final conversation with him since he avoids the topic like the plague last night.

I sat him down and said I empathize with him about this life changing diagnosis, and that he doesn't want to get the surgery which I respect, or use a donor or adopt. But that I want to be a mom and I'm not getting any younger. And if he isn't willing to explore any avenue or go to fertility therapy, than I want a divorce.

He broke down saying he can't believe I would be willing to walk away from our marriage over this. That if the shoe was on the other foot he would never leave me for being infertile. He says I'm a horrible person and that I'm punishing him for something he cant control.

I told him it's not for being infertile I can work with that, but that's it's because he's refusing to go down any route to become a parent knowing that's something we've both wanted. He says that I never loved him otherwise I would never contemplate divorce over kids that don't exist yet.

He cried about it afterwards and refused for me to console him. I feel so horrible. But what else can I do? Continue begging him to change his mind or speak to a professional? He only wants bio kids and refuses to do the surgery because it's too much prep (Daily vitamins:meds, no hot showers, etc). AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Oop_awwPants said:

He refuses to adopt, refuses to look into donor sperm, refuses to try any medical intervention. He refuses to even talk about it. It's not about him being infertile, it's about him being completely unwilling to understand your feelings, much less try to find a compromise to save your marriage.

allthecrazything said:

Kids are sadly a dealbreaker for most. I’ve walked away from many relationships because I don’t want them and the other person does. In a way this situation is the same, he’s not open to children another way, so sadly your life goals no longer align.

It’s obviously devastating for you both but if you stay, you will resent him and probably leave later in life, without an easy path to children then. NTA and I’m so sorry for you

410Writer said:

First off, infertility is a hell of a curveball, and it’s clear you’re not divorcing him because he’s infertile, but because he’s essentially slammed the door on all options. That's a big difference. It’s not that you’re punishing him for something he can’t control—you’re drawing a line because he’s refusing to control what he can.

You’ve got dreams, and he’s ghosting them harder than Reddit hides good posts. If he’s not willing to roll up his sleeves and fight for your future family, you’re not the asshole for wanting to find someone who will. It’s time to ask yourself if you should sacrifice your happiness for someone who won’t even try.

neilligan said:

Ok, so I can understand some initial reluctance towards adoption or donors- not getting to have the life he originally wanted had to have been a blow, even though I think he should at least be willing to consider it at this point 9 months later.

But refusing to try the surgery because "it's too much prep" is honestly bizarre. Like, everything he wants is potentially, even if unlikely, in reach- and he's throwing it away because he doesn't want to take cold showers and eat vitamins? Like, something is wrong with that. It literally makes no sense.

Honestly, I'd think twice about staying married to someone who is willing to throw away both of your life goals over something that small- kids aside.

And bowlofweetabix said:

NTA it isn’t about him being infertile, it’s about him effectively changing his mind about having children

Eight months later, she shared this update!

received so much amazing feedback that genuinely changed my life. Since no one in my personal knew what was going on, being able to talk about it and get so much amazing advice was great. A lot of the people in the comments opened my eyes up to the possibility that he was refusing the surgery since that would be the final nail in the coffin.

That if it failed that would be the end and that could be the reason he was refusing to do anything. I took some time after posting that to do some self reflection on the whole scenario and to go out the situation differently.

We spoke about it extensively and I told him about how I completely understand his fears in not wanting to do the surgery but I really want us to try a fertility therapist and we could just do one session, it didn’t have to be a deep commitment. He agreed and that therapy session went amazing. We both spoke separately and then together and we did five sessions overall.

You guys were right. My husband was scared to try anything because he didn’t want it to fail. He was prerejecting the rejection. He opened up to me about a lot of fears and anxiety about his diagnosis. We deeply connected afterwards and got even closer as a couple. One day I saw vitamins on his dresser and realized he had been taking them without even telling me! I was so happy.

We did another sperm analysis and they saw two soerm! We were so happy. Then to my complete and utter surprise my husband forwards me an email. He scheduled a consultation for the Microtese surgery in December!

It went well and he was approved for surgery this February. We went in with low expectations and to still be happy at the progress he’s made, but they were able to get THREE sperm! My husband and I were estatic and couldn’t stop crying. Everything went well at his two week check up.

Now we’re in the process of IVF! I started taking medication to do my egg retrieval right after his surgery and so far I have 12 eggs. Last month we just found out we have TWO EMBRYOS! Both healthy, one boy and one girl. Our implantation date for our daughter was May 1st and I tested positive a few days ago!!! We are so so happy!!! I am so happy that we were able to get through this bump in the road.

This has been amazing. I am so happy my husbands fear and my sadness to his fear was something we were able to get over. We have both extensively apologized to each other, him for shutting down and wanting to give up and me for not being more understanding to that life changing news. Thank you guys again for all the advice you gave me.

:)