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'AITA for divorcing my wife because she lied about her fertility?' 'She really didn't want another kid.' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for divorcing my wife because she lied about her fertility?' 'She really didn't want another kid.' UPDATED 2X

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"AITA for divorcing my wife because she lied about her fertility?"

I (M, 38) have been with my wife, Natalie (F, 37), for 8 years (married for 4 years). Natalie has a daughter from a previous relationship, Kaya (F, 12). Kaya’s dad left when she was a newborn. We have no idea where he is. I love her as if she were mine. She calls me dad and has a great relationship with me.

I told Natalie from the very beginning that I would like to have biological children, and she said she is open to having more kids. After we got married, we bought a nice place and started trying for a baby. After a year, we did some testing and all came back normal. My wife said IVF would be too costly and hard on her body. I was secretly devastated, but I decided to come to terms with the fact that I'll never have any biological kids.

This was until a few days ago when I found out from Natalie’s sister that Natalie lied to me! She and her sister got into a fight in our house, and her sister screamed, "AT LEAST I DON'T TAKE PILLS BEHIND MY HUSBAND’S BACK AND CLAIM I'M INFERTILE! DOES HE KNOW YOU HAD AN ABORTION??" I was floored. My wife kicked her sister out and started crying, saying she really didn’t want another kid and didn't want to lose me.

I can’t believe she lied to me instead of talking to me! I just left! I have been staying at my parents' house since then. Natalie begs me to come back, and she says we can try for a baby. Kaya even messaged me to come back! My parents think I should just move on and give her another chance. She made a mistake, and she apologized. AITAH for wanting a divorce for this lie?

ADDED: I live in Canada. I’m pro choice. I do believe women have to control their bodies! Don’t lecture me about her rights! But this is a different case! She lied to me. I could have now have my baby in my arms. I had no idea she is against having more babies until a few days ago! Abortion happened 1.5 year after our wedding. Yes my baby! Yes she saw me devastated an upset when she claimed we can’t have a baby. I can’t believe she lied in my face.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

impactes said:

NTA. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have more kids. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind about wanting or not wanting kids.

This is not about any of that. This is about the fact your partner chose over and over again to lie to you, to allow you to dream about a future she knew you won't have with her. She lied, betrayed, and misled you for years, even if she did a 180 and honestly wanted kids now, is this really someone you would want to stay with? To coparent with? To be the mother of your child?

Extension_Ad_2023 said:

NTA. I actually gasped reading this. That’s a deep betrayal.

leonphelpth said:

That’s not a mistake. That’s an 8 year lie, every single day, that prevented you from having a child. The great news is that you can have one with someone else.

Trailsya said:

NTA. That is messed up beyond words.

BlueGreen_1956 said:

NTA. Yikes! Do not get back with her! Don't even talk to her ever again. That she used the kid to try to emotionally blackmail you to come back is sick. Run for the hills!

KooLoo81 said:

NTA. I am sorry for the position you were put in. I would be devastated if this were me and I wouldn’t be able to come back from this. She lied, she deceived, and also manipulated you during this process. This is beyond a red flag; this is a flat out betrayal.

UPDATE:

Thank you for all your kind comments and private messages. I did receive a few unkind ones accusing me of trying to control her body or making her feel unsafe, which is why she secretly went through with it. Natalie came over to my parents’s house last night after dinner. She dropped off Kaya at her friend’s because she said she needed to talk to me.

I’m glad I gave her the chance because I now have no doubt she is a pathological liar. She said after her first pregnancy she had to work so hard to be in shape and she swore she would never do that again. I said, "Then you lied to me from day 1?!" She said she thought she would change her mind but she didn’t. Then she saw me come to terms with not having a baby, so she decided not to tell me.

I said, "So you lied more? You got rid of my baby because you wanted to stay fit? You didn’t even discuss anything with me? How could you do that to me? I could be holding my baby right now and you stole that from me." She said she is sorry but the good news is she still can. I said, "You are still lying! You still don’t want a baby and you're only saying it so I stay! I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I can’t trust you. Ever."

She started crying, saying Kaya is so sad you left us because I can’t give you a baby. I lost it! You lied to her too? Is this why she thinks I left? I told her it’s over and get out of my parents’s house. She cried and cried.

I’ll meet with a lawyer this week to start the separation process. I’ll send a text to Kaya and explain that I didn’t abandon her and will do anything to be in her life (I never legally adopted her sadly). I can’t believe I blindly trusted her all these years. As for Kaya’s dad I have no idea who he is. She refuses to talk about it.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

countryboy1101 said:

Thank you for the update and sorry that it is ending this way. Yes, I would contact the daughter and let her know why you left and that you want to still be a part of her life, but you cannot stay married to her mom for what she did. I would also get my attorney to force a deposition on your soon to be ex where she has to tell what she did.

You can then present that to the court as evidence of her lying to you the entire marriage, make sure that you include that she lied before marriage about wanting more kids to get you to marry her, and most likely it will prevent any alimony or at the least shorten the amount of time you have to pay her. Marriage under false statements can benefit you in court. She can work full time since the daughter is old enough now.

neylen said:

Wow....wow....after reading the update (thank you) i just..wow...this person is horrible, evil. You must now know that without a doubt you are making the right decision to divorce. You can never trust this woman again, she's a walking lie. She even lies to her own daughter. The reason about being fit after having kids is so shallow. So stupid. This woman doesn't deserve you. Run run run NTA.

toomanyusernames4rl said:

NTA. I hope the separation process goes smoothly and you find your person. It is horrible to lie to someone and prevent them from starting a family sooner rather than later.

Jumpy_Willingness707 said:

You are a good person, and will be able to move on and find somebody who will make you very very happy, with a family. You’re still young and doing the right thing! What a horrible thing to go through.

Remarkable_Top2719 said:

"I can't believe I blindly trusted her all these years." Hold up, this is a way to dig yourself into a hole. You should have been able to trust her. This isn't a normal or sane thing to lie about, nor should you expect a life partner to lie to you about something so important to you.

If anything, don't let her psychotic behavior stop you from loving and trusting your next partner. You might need therapy or a very open and transparent relationship in a trust but verify type way. If that is the case going forward it is up to you to be honest about your hang ups to your next partner. YOU deserve better than letting this stop you from trusting others.

Weary-Pangolin6539 said:

Good for you. As stated before NTA you both agreed on what you wanted and children are a big issue that both people need to be on the same page. If she changed her mind she should idk communicated that with you it’s not like she is/was your wife or anything…

SECOND UPDATE:

I’m sorry for multiple posts, but you guys have been so helpful! Definitely more than my family and friends in real life. I took your advice and met with my sister-in-law over lunch. She was very reluctant to give me any info, but here is what she said:

"Natalie is in no contact with her parents since before Kaya was born - she didn’t lie about this part." I asked if she knows who Kaya’s dad is because Natalie gets upset every time I asked and refuses to talk about him. She was surprised and said, "You are kidding, right? You can’t be this naive? It’s obviously Ryan. Her boss.

The guy who owns the yoga place " I asked about their relationship. She kept saying, "Natalie really loves you." I begged her to tell me everything. She said she thinks (not sure) the reason Natalie had an abortion was that she wasn’t sure if the baby was mine or Ryan’s. Either way, she didn’t want another baby. I was floored. She was cheating on me?

The same time we were trying for a baby? With the same guy who already abandoned her once? What’s going on here? Why? I was stupid enough to start a college fund for her kid, yet she cheated on me at least once with this guy? I’m gonna lose my house and half of everything… She said, "Listen, you are a good guy, just move on! No need to dig more, you are making yourself crazy!"

I asked if Kaya knows who her dad is. She said absolutely not because Ryan has zero desire to be in her life. I want to tell everything to Kaya before leaving, but my parents think this is crossing the line because I’m not her dad or mom and it's none of my business. My friends think I want to tell her to hurt Natalie, but it’s the opposite! I know how awful it is to be lied to, and Kaya deserves the truth. My parents think I act like a crazy person and I should just meet with the lawyer.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the second update:

discosanta said:

Holy moly the twists and turns in this.

kikivee612 said:

So wait…she still works with her baby daddy who refuses to be a dad and they’re still hooking up?

Interesting_Novel997 said:

A 12 year old is not emotionally mature/equipped to deal with this. Leave her out of it. Maybe later when she’s an adult and wants to know tell her, but definitely not now. And please get therapy. This is a lot for even the most emotionally stable/self aware person to deal with. I cannot even imagine how much trauma and trust issues you’re going to have to heal from before you’re in the right headspace to trust someone again.

Ok-Rip2794 said:

I kind of feel like 12 is old enough to know. Her mother has been lying to her her entire life and I’m sure there’s been times she’s been around the guy that is supposedly her biological father. She deserves to know the truth.

I’m also not surprised that she’s been cheating. You deserve better. If the college fund is in your name, take out all of your money now. Talk to a lawyer and check into what laws you have regarding her cheating on you and if you can go after her and the affair partner because in some states you can go after them for what they did and sue them. If you don’t want to tell her the truth about her father now at the very least, you need to tell her the truth about her mother cheating on you and that is why you’re divorcing

akamikedavid said:

I do think now is the time to wash your hands of all of this. You have a very important piece of information in that Natalie may have cheated on you. Give that to your divorce attorney. Then Divorce Natalie. Get visitation with Kaya. But everything else you're doing is now just hurting yourself and potentially hurting Kaya.

Everyone was mostly on OP's side for this one throughout this entire saga. What's your advice for these exes?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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