'AITA for eating my breakfast in front of my boyfriend's dad?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for eating my breakfast in front of my boyfriend's dad?"
I do want actual fair judgement, so for full disclosure, I do not like this guy. I have never liked this guy. I've known him since I was a kid, and everything about him just annoys me.
I don't think I outwardly express it, but he probably doesn't think he outwardly expresses how much he doesn't like me either, and he definitely does. I'm trying to be fair in the way I explain the situation, but he would probably tell a different story.
I work at the same company as my boyfriend's dad. I don't work for him. He isn't my boss. He's above me in the hierarchy, but not directly. You have to got at a 45° angle to get to him from me. We still see each other often and work together sometimes, because that's just the nature of what we do.
After my boyfriend and I first started dating officially he told me that when he told his dad about us he said "you can't date that guy. We work together." Okay, well, nobody needs your permission. He was never particularly nice to me before, but since then he glares at me whenever he sees me. I do my best to ignore him, but it's pretty unprofessional.
Speaking of professionalism and lack thereof. I have been written up twice for tardiness. This isn't a huge deal. It isn't great. It means I probably won't get promoted this year. I am one of those people that think "I have plenty of time. I have plenty of time. Oh frick! I'm running late!" Like the time between doing good and running late doesn't exist. Yes, I know I have ADHD.
My boyfriend, because he's awesome, has tried to help me in whatever way he can. He makes these breakfast burritos, freezes them, and puts one in the oven every morning while I'm getting ready. I take them to work with me and eat them during my commute or when I get to the office. Efficiency!
This morning I was standing in the office, eating my burrito, loving life, when my boyfriend's dad saw me. This time, he not only glared at me, he said something. He said "you don't have to rub it in my face that you're dating my kid."
I said "what are you talking about?"
He said "I know my son made that."
I didn't know what to say. I thought the situation was ridiculous. I was also annoyed at him for being such a baby about everything. I took another bite of my burrito. He scowled at me and then walked away.
Normally my boyfriend is 100% on my side. When I tell him about the glaring he says it's not okay and immature. When I texted him about the burrito incident he said I shouldn't have taken another bite in front of him. He said that was antagonistic. Was it? I feel like his dad is a grown man and should get over it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA but you do lose some points for not dramatically dragging your tongue up the side of the burrito in the most overt, campy, performative way possible, thus making the father SO uncomfortable that he stops talking to you about his son at all ever again.
Glum-Chance-4225 (OP)
Sending this comment to my boyfriend.
Nta that’s so weird. Your boyfriend’s dad sounds like a very unhappy person to notice and be upset about that.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you for your support in my breakfast drama. That night my boyfriend read all the comments on my post. He decided to talk to his dad, which he has done in the past, but this would be a sterner conversation.
For context, my boyfriend is big people pleaser. He loves to do things for other people. When his mom left he did all the domestic stuff at their house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of his little siblings.
I actually think this dynamic was incredibly toxic, but that's not what this post is about. He doesn't like to fight with his dad or call his dad out on his bad behavior. His dad is the kind of guy who is used to other people managing his feelings for him, and he is shocked when people don't alter their behavior to suit his desires.
My boyfriend went over to his dad's and asked him to please be nice to me moving forward because we really care about each other and are happy together. I didn't get the full play by play of the conversation, but it must have been productive! Fifteen minutes ago the dad walked up to me and invited me over for dinner or Friday! So my breakfast drama resulted in a dinner invite. Huzzah. Win.
I'm sort of nervous to spend a whole meal with this guy, but I have to give it a shot. Thanks for all the advice and support. Here's hoping the dad isn't as homophobic as I thought and/or is willing to get over it for his kid.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
That is a fantastic update! It sounds like your boyfriend found his backbone, and his dad realized that his "shock" at people not catering to him wasn't going to fly this time.
Glum-Chance-4225 (OP)
I'm actually impressed. I've known this guy for years, and I didn't think he was capable of compromise. I guess anyone can surprise you.
Go in with an open mind and be friendly. Hopefully he will match that energy and your personal and work life will be much easier. Even a polite but distant relationship that is respectful would be an improvement.
People can change, especially for the sake of their kid. Hopefully that is what this is. (If not, and he is rude… just don’t respond to it. That annoys people more than anything.) Hoping it all goes well as that kind of abrupt change in attitude / compromise is really promising. Update me!
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
I wasn't going to update again, but I have to because these people are nuts. My boyfriend read all the comments on the first post, and they convinced him to talk to his dad. So do your stuff and convince him again. This dynamic is absolutely wild.
So after the initial breakfast confrontation, my boyfriend talked to his dad, who extended an olive branch in the form of a Friday night dinner invitation. I was optimistic about this invitation.
Friday afternoon, my boyfriend says he is going to head out. I said isn't it kind of early for us to leave? He says he has to get there early to cook dinner and that he'll meet me there.
I pointed out how crazy that is. Why is he cooking the dinner he was invited to at someone else's house? He said his dad doesn't know how to cook. This man is divorced. If he can't cook, what does he eat? My boyfriend said before we moved in together, he cooked. Now he thinks they eat a lot of takeout.
So all of that is insane, but fine. If he's getting there early, I'm going with him. It makes no sense for us to drive separately. I'll help him cook. He says I shouldn't have to cook. Neither should he, but here we are.
We drive over together, and his dad is annoyed. He said it was rude for me to show up early. I said I was going to help cook, and he looked annoyed. My boyfriend and I cooked together. That was actually fun. That was the best part of the night.
At dinner itself his siblings had atrocious behavior. The youngest kid asked if my boyfriend was going to stay the night, and my boyfriend said no. The other brother said "why, because you have to go home and do your boyfriend?"
The dad actually told him off for that, so I will give him points for that, but what a low bar to clear. The sister was bratty too, but not as bad as the others. She was tolerable.
The whole thing was so weird. When it was time to leave, his dad glared at me more. The youngest brother hugged my boyfriend and wouldn't let go until his dad peeled him off. These kids literally act like their older brother is their mom. My boyfriend had to promise to come over the next day to get the kid to stop throwing a fit.
When we were driving home, my boyfriend said he thought dinner went really well. I asked if he didn't think his dad was a little cold? He said his dad is awkward around new people but is definitely warming up.
I'm not new. We work together. He has known me since I was a kid. None of that counts apparently. The thing is, I don't remember these kids being so poorly behaved. I mentioned it to my boyfriend. He said they took it hard when his mom left.
So, mom leaves. Dad does nothing. Younger kids lose their minds. My boyfriend becomes mom 2.0? That's not healthy.
So, yeah, that was dinner.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
How long has the mom been gone for? It sounds like everybody in that family needs therapy including your boyfriend for the parentification.
Glum-Chance-4225 (OP)
Seven. Years. Way too long for the dad to still be acting like this.
Well damn this is not the kind of update I was hoping for. I wasn't expecting some kind of miracle but something better than this. I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation OP. Your boyfriends dad is certainly something.
I know how the stress of having a terrible dad can take a toll on a person but he's also certainly something for continuing to default back to this "he's awkward around new people" excuse when it comes to his dad's behavior.
If you haven't already, you really need to talk to your boyfriend and have him explain to you, how you are new. Than explain why you aren't new and the excuse is ridiculous.
My interpretation of what you have told us, falls more in the vein of he doesn't like you because you took his meal ticket and child care away from him. So I honestly don't see his behavior improving to much, especially while your boyfriend still caters to him.