'AITA for ending my engagement due to my mom’s death?'
"AITA for ending my engagement due to my mom’s death?"
Me (26F) and my fiancé (27F) got engaged in September of 2023. In our time of engagement we decided to move out of state, closer to her family as we had been living closer to mine during this time.
On May of this year, I believe we began our downfall. I woke up to several missed calls and a text from my sister stating that she had taken my mom to the ER. I tried calling back several times but was getting no response.
I had an awful feeling in my gut. I tried waking my fiancée up and the only advice she could give me was “call them back” I told her I had tried but was getting no answer. Instead of reassuring me, she just fell back asleep.
I got up and went to the couch freaking out until i got a hold of my sister. I found out my mom had been admitted for pneumonia. Once my fiancée woke up, I communicated to her that I really wish she had been there for me in that moment of panic.
She seemed receptive. Two weeks later, on a Friday, I found out my mom had cancer that caused the fluid buildup in her lungs. That weekend my fiancée and I were set to go to a wedding. While I was not emotionally ready, I wanted to follow through with the promise of going with her and support the two friends getting married as I had really liked them.
In the next week in a half, I found out my mom’s cancer had spread to her spine and caused spinal fractures. The following week we were supposed to go to a music festival that my fiancée bought us tickets for. I told her I thought she should find someone else to go with because I wanted to stay with my mom. Every call I was getting, the news kept getting worse and worse.
The PET scan was going to happen while we were away and I wanted to be there. My fiancée wasn't having it. She couldn't see it from my perspective. She was really upset with me.
I felt so conflicted. I knew she had spent so much money on the tickets and I was scared about her going alone. I proposed to this person to be with them the rest of our lives. I asked my mom what to do and she told me to go to the festival so I went.
While on the car ride there I was quiet. I couldn't get out of my head. I felt like I was making the wrong decision. I turned my head to my right to see my fiancée turning the brightness of her phone down while she was texting and I asked why she did that.
She told me she was venting to her friend about me and how I was ruining the vibe because I didn't seem excited about going. I told her I was sad about my mom and I thought I was allowed to be sad. I felt defeated. I felt like I couldn't do right by anyone.
During the festival, I talked to my mom and my sister had taken her back to the hospital because her pain had gotten worse. The scan had shown the cancer had spread to her pelvis, ribs, and shoulders. She had metastatic lung cancer, that had no cure. During the festival, I kept having panic attacks. I knew I was in the wrong place.
Once we got back, I went to the hospital the next day and continually went when I could. During this time, my fiancée flew out of state to go wedding dress shopping with her mom. She kept making comments like “you don't seem into planning?” Or “aren't you so excited.”
At this point planning a wedding was the last thing on my mind. On the day she was supposed to fly in, my sister called and said my mom was asking for me. I told my fiancée that I would be picking her up from the airport and then going straight to the hospital.
This made her angry and upset at me because she hadn't seen me. She didn't understand why I couldn't just wait to go until the following weekend. She told me to just go ahead and go and she would get an Uber. I was so angry at my fiancée. How could she not understand that I needed to be there, I needed to cherish every second I had with my mom?
So I went to the hospital and my mom was the worse I had seen her. I stayed up all night watching over her. I'd find out later that was the last time I heard her speak to me. When I got relieved by a family member, I went straight home to shower so I could go to work, which was about three hours away from the hospital my mom was at.
When I got home, my fiancée was up getting ready for the gym and I told her “you keep asking how you can be there for me, well I just need you not to be someone I have to worry about in all of this. I need to focus on my mom, my sister, my niece, and honestly myself.” She said okay.
Three days later my mom went on hospice. I left work and went straight to the hospital. I never left her side. On the third day of hospice, they told us my mom had only hours to live.
My fiancée had planned to come up. I told her if she wanted to see my mom before she passed, she may want to come straight away instead of going to the gym first. She said okay.
Before she left, I got a text saying “should I bring our dog in case I need to stay?” Which I didn't see because I wasn’t paying attention to my phone. It was followed by texts like “hellloooo” and “I need to know” I just said yeah we can keep her at my sister’s house.
When she got to the hospital, it felt like she couldn't do anything on her own, she kept pulling me away from my mom. When I wasn't sure the moment she could go. My sister pulled me into the hallway and asked if it could just be me, her, my niece, and my mom’s siblings in the room when my mom passed.
I said yes. I told my fiancée my sister’s request and she went off. She was cussing my sister to me, telling me she wanted to be in the room for me. She said I didn't stick up for her.
I told her 1. I didn't have the energy to do anything arguing. 2. I'm not going to be fighting with my sister in my mother’s last moments. I told her that she could wait in the family room or I'd pay for a dog friendly hotel room.
This wasn’t enough for her. She left and drove home. As I was texting her making sure she was okay with one hand, I was holding my mother’s hand in the other. She was short with me the entire time.
My mom passed about 1:30am. I called my fiancée several times and when she finally answered around 2am to tell her, her first response was “why didn't you call me.” Not "I'm so sorry.”
After the funeral home came to pick up my mother. I went and slept at my sisters house for a few hours then got up and drove home. I text my fiancée i was on the way and she was short again with me and i asked her if she was angry at me and she said “no, I'm just upset.”
I said “you’re upset?!” When I got home, she told me she had spoken to her mom and she said I treated her like a 6 month girlfriend instead of a fiancée I told her that “my mom would have told me to quit being selfish.
I needed to be there for you how you needed me to be, not how i thought you needed me.” I asked her if her mom was mad at me and she got the weirdest grin on her face. I knew I was done.
I told her Im not ready to move to Florida anymore because I need to be close to family. We ended it. Am I the AH? Did I not let her be there for me? Did I think she was being selfish but in reality I was?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Do not marry this person. In fact, don’t have this person in your life full stop. NTA unless you don’t cut this person off.
Good thing you ended it. She wasn't there for you. She was completely focused on herself & her own feelings. She wanted you to be helping plan her wedding, for crying out loud! You had someone else to focus on!! Your! Mother! Was! Dying!! For your fiancée to make it all about her was so selfish, I'm glad you broke it off. My condolences for your loss. NTA
Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother to cancer that spread very rapidly, last year. Secondly, NTA 100% absolutely positively. Spouses should be able to support each other without competing for your attention with a dying woman, and as far as I'm concerned all her anger at you after you (100% understandably) prioritized seeing your mother is just self-centered punishment.
NTA. That is not the kind of person you marry. Op, your fiancee is a Hallmark TV villain, she never seemed really interested in being there for you. If I'm honest, your mom’s cancer killed the vibe of her wedding, and she's really pissed about it, and she would have never let you forget it.
You did the right thing, there was never any coming back from these transgression, on either side, cause I'm sure she believes you did her wrong. No this situation showed you both that you weren't right for each other. Op, I'm so sorry for your loss, please take the time you need to mourn your mom and this relationship.
NTA. Falling back to sleep isn’t a big deal, when first woken up people can be confused and not realize the seriousness of things. But everything after that was a red flag. She was just so selfish and has no sense of empathy at all. I’m so sorry she made what was already a very stressful time even worse.