'AITA for expecting affection from my pregnant wife? She says I'm smothering her.' UPDATED 3X

Pregnancy can radically mess with every aspect of your life, including your romantic relationship.

"AITAH for expecting affections from my pregnant wife?"

I (M, 40) have been married to my wife Jennifer (F, 35) for two years. Jennifer has a daughter from previous relationship, Emma. She is 7 and lives with us. I have a great relationship with Emma. She calls me dad and I’m in the process of legally adopting her. My wife and I both wanted a baby, so when she told me she was pregnant I got so happy.

Since she found out she was pregnant she lost interest in me. She is so excited about the baby but she can’t stand me. S-x is non existent. I try to be understanding. Her drive is probably low due to pregnancy. Even when I try to cuddle or kiss her she pushes me away and says “Don’t touch me.“

I buy her flowers, her fav snacks, or simple little acts and she doesn’t even care or acknowledge. I asked her if I had done anything wrong because she is constantly yelling at me and telling me to f- off. She said no and I'm overthinking. I tried to hug her the other day and she said no! Even Emma said “I don’t think mommy loves you, daddy! But I still love you!”

I told her mommy is pregnant and she is exhausted so let’s give her some space . Why don’t you help me make dinner But I felt so heartbroken. The other day she told me she had an ultrasound appointment and I asked why she didn’t tell me. I would have loved to come to see the baby.

She replied “You are suffocating me! Go away! Why do you want to be everywhere.“ Am I the AH here? Am I pushing my wife away? Overall she is really really happy, hangs out with her friends, she is happy at work...she just can’t stand me all of a sudden.

People had a lot to say in the comment section.

scrapqueen wrote:

This is not something to judge you on - but you need to stop pushing yourself on your wife. Pregnancy hormones mess with a woman's body, and it can trigger anxiety about being touched.

She has a whole person that her body is supporting, and anything beyond that may be too much. Your job is to make your wife feel comfortable, and it seems like you are trying too hard to be physically close. Your wife wants some space.

TheAlphaKiller17 wrote:

Adding to this, your smell is probably the worst thing in the world to her right now. It's VERY common for pregnant women to become repulsed by their partner's scent during pregnancy.

OP responded:

Wow! I didn’t know that. We have been sleeping separately. She told me to sleep in the spare room which will be eventually baby’s room because she likes the extra space in bed. I have been sleeping there.

[deleted] wrote:

Have you done anything to research pregnancy and how it impacts people? It seems you're being surprised quite a bit and I thought sensitivity to smell and touch was common knowledge Maybe looking into it could help!

OP responded:

No I haven’t! These are all new to me. I assumed my wife would just tell me how she feels.You are right. Maybe if I read about pregnancy I will understand her better. Thank you.

Necessary_Future_275 wrote:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through a similar thing during my first pregnancy. Terrible. I remember my husband kneeling in front of me to help me with my shoes and I lashed out saying “don’t touch me! Do I touch you? Then don’t touch me!” Ugh still makes me cringe thinking about it.

By the end of that pregnancy I wouldn’t even speak to him. It was awful for him and for me as well. I still don’t know why it happened but I absolutely was not myself during that pregnancy. This was nearly 30 yrs ago. We are together and in love today.

Apprehensive-Fee5732 wrote:

OMG I remember feeling like I was watching someone else live my life. And not being able to think straight. I literally had an emotional break down because I was so hungry once and couldn't figure out what I wanted to eat, when I flash back to what everyone was doing around me to simply get me the 'right' food. Yikes! Glad to get off that crazy train, but then menopause...it's so much fun being female...

A day later, OP shared an update.

Thank you very much for all your kind words and suggestions. It’s 5:50 am here. I thought I give a quick update before getting up to make Emma’s breakfast and lunch. After dinner last night, I asked Jennifer if I can have a word with her. I asked her about the smell sensitivity and asked if this is the reason she is irritated with me?

She laughed and said "No! You don't smell! But you are smothering me. Leave me alone. You always wanna be part of everything. You wanna be a saviour, always helping, you are always smothering me. Leave the f-k alone. I think it would be a good idea if I stay at my mom’s for a while." I said “ what? No! What if you need to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?"

"Are you gonna call me? Please stay. I promise to leave you alone. Plus what about Emma? I do most of her classes with her. Your mom can’t do that." She said then drop off Emma after her classes at my mom’s tomorrow. She left for her mom’s. I told her I was not gonna text or call so she won’t get irritated but please please call me if you need help or if you need to go to the hospital.

So no real update. She is staying at her mom’s now. I’ll drop off Emma at her grandma’s after her class today . I’ll pick her up to take her to the fair on Saturday. I’m not sure what to do at this point . I just hope she doesn’t ban me from the room when she gives birth. Hopefully I’ll post a happy update when the baby is here.

People did not hold back one bit.

Significant-Dirt-793 wrote:

JFC I don't know how I could come back from this, you obviously love her. The hormones are an excuse and don't mean what she's doing is acceptable. She has a lot of making up to do later.

Fabulous_Article_705 wrote:

I’m pregnant and my partner irritates tf out of me sometimes but I’ve never treated him like that. It’s not normal behavior.

The baby may not be yours. I strongly suggest getting a DNA test done.

toothpastcupcake wrote:

I'm not defending her behavior, because it's hurtful and unkind, but some of us lose our minds while pregnant. I suffered so much with my pregnancy, and everything my husband did infuriated me. I wasn't myself at all. My hormones were bonkers and I took everything as a slight, and I remember thinking "I'm sick of his face" about my husband, whom I usually adore.

She will feel better and she won't be this way forever. Try to give her space and not take it personally - it's likely not under her control. Is it OK? No. But it's likely the brain invasion that happens to some women.

ConvivialKat wrote:

"But you are smothering me. Leave me alone. You always wanna be part of everything. You wanna be a saviour, always helping, you are always smothering me. Leave the f alone. I think it would be a good idea if I stay at my mom’s for a while."

Her telling you that you are smothering her is something I think you really need to hear and pay attention to. This word is significant, and I don't think you are acknowledging it because you can't help but, well, smothering her. I'm sorry, but, as an outsider looking in, I think if you can't start hearing her, she will leave you.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

I thought I give an update. Jennifer filed for divorce. She says she just can’t stand me anymore. She said she does not find me attractive anymore, and everything about me irritates her. She also cancelled the whole adoption process so I can’t adopt Emma anymore. I still care for Emma half of the time and drop her off at her grandma’s when it’s her turn (Jennifer lives with her mom for now).

I suggested counselling but she said there is no point. I asked her if I can still be in the room when she gives birth she said no! It stresses her out. I basically begged her but she said no. I told her to please call me when she goes in labour so I can at least take her to the hospital and watch Emma. She didn’t reply so who knows. Can she take full custody because newborn needs the mom?

Will I still see Emma when divorce is finalized? I feel so helpless and depressed. I was so excited to be a biological dad. I even told my work about my paternity leave so I can be home helping her with the baby. I was excited for Emma to be a big sister...now she doesn’t want me near her or the baby. I really don’t know what happened. I wish she at least communicated with me.

The internet had OP's back.

forever_single_now wrote:

Lawyer and paternity test. I get the “hormonal pregnancy” condition…but it’s a bit extreme. Test to be sure you can sign the birth certificate because no matter what you will be paying for a while once signed.

It could also give you some clarity about her reaction depending on the results and help deciding next steps with your lawyer. And lawyer to have a chance to see your kid (if it’s yours) and save some assets to be able to help your kid as well.

OP responded:

Can I legally ask for paternity test now or not until baby is born?

forever_single_now responded:

As far as I know you can have paternity test before birth. That is why I suggested the lawyer to help figure the right path. Not sure what rules apply where.

Choice_Pool_5971 wrote:

Reminds me of another story here about a guy that went through the exact same thing. To the point she gave birth and didn’t inform him. In the end she came up with a bogus excuse that her mother was a man hating crazy lady and manipulated her into treating him like crap and she wanted a second chance after he filed for divorce and cut off the money.

she_who_knits wrote:

Obviously, you need a lawyer to protect your interests and parental rights.

But it's still possible this extreme behavior is pregnancy induced and she'll snap out of it. What does your Mil have to say about Jennifer's behavior?

Have you talked to Jennifer's PCP or OB about her behavior and asked if they have any medical insight. More importantly, do her care providers even know that she has had a radical shift it personality? Because that is medically important information. All of this is also information the courts might use in deciding custody issues.

OP responded:

I haven’t talked to her OB. she goes to her dr appointments without me. I don’t even know when her appointments are.

Melodic_Tax_6678 wrote:

If you have a good relationship with her mom, maybe ask to talk privately. Explain to mom that this feels like out of left field, and you want to ask if, knowing her daughter and having seen her through pregnancy once before.

If she thinks this is truly what her daughter wants or if the pregnancy could be screwing with her. If she thinks the pregnancy could be screwing with her head, then see if you can at least delay the divorce until after the birth.

But if mom thinks that divorce is truly what the daughter wants, then you know where you stand. Don’t pester mom to help you get back together, don’t involve her further. Just explain that you’re concerned that this could have come from pregnancy hormones and you wanted to get her opinion if that’s a possibility.

OP responded:

I left a message for MIL twice. She never contacted me. I didn’t wanna pester her. I’m giving them the space she is asking for.

HeroORDevil8 wrote:

NAL but since the adoption process was stopped, custody wise you more than likely may not be able to see Emma unless your stbx allows it. The rest of the questions you have need to be directed to a lawyer as they can help give you a clearer picture especially in regard to things like custody and I think you should do a paternity test as well.

A week later, OP shared another update.

My stepdaughter told me yesterday that she wanna stay with me and doesn’t want to go to her grandma’s house with her mom. I asked her if everything okay ? If something is bothering her ? She said she doesn’t like mommy’s friend, Josh. I asked who is this friend? She said her mom and Josh take her and Josh’s sons to the park and stuff. The sons are mean to her.

I know I shouldn’t have asked more because it sounds like I was spying on my wife (which yes I was doing …). I asked about Josh. She said mom is so happy with Josh, they are kissing, mommy always laughs but I don’t like him. I called my wife and said Emma said she prefers to stay with me. She asked why? I said something about some guy you were kissing called Josh.

She lost it. She said I was being controlling and toxic. She said we are separated so what she does is none of my business. I asked how long this has been going on? She again said none of your business! I said it’s actually my business because I’m not even sure whose baby are you carrying at this point. She screamed that I’m disgusting for accusing!

Anyways, I’m going to meet a lawyer next week. I had to drop off Emma at her’s because she asked me to. She no longer allows me to meet her. My life is now like a bad joke! I can’t even imagine her and some random guy raising my firstborn (if the baby is mine ) and I barely get to see my newborn.

The comments kept coming in.

dangerclosemaybe wrote:

Ugh. I knew she was cheating from your original post. What an absolutely horrible woman. Gets her daughter attached to you and goes out and cheats on you. feel like she did this with Emma's father too. I very much doubt you got the whole, true story with what happened with her father.

Speak with a lawyer and push for a court ordered in vitro paternity test. There's a good chance the kid isn't yours. It hurts, but have a sit down talk with Emma, with your soon to be ex present, and explain that you will no longer be in her life. I'm so sorry.

OP responded:

No, I only know her version of truth regarding Emma’s dad. I just don’t know how to handle this if the baby is mine. I don’t want part time parenting I wanna see my baby grow. I don’t wanna miss the milestones because baby was at hers and Josh’s place.

scotswaehay wrote:

I am so sorry buddy, but the way she is acting is screaming Josh is the dad 😭. Honestly I know it’s a s-tty thing to say but I hope it is and you are not going to be tied to her for 18 years. Also it will give you a case for adultery.

Aggravating_Cake_372 wrote:

Considering your wife's behavior, and seeming disregard for her own daughter's wellbeing except when being used as a tool against you, it's something worth bringing up with your lawyer. While custody is highly unlikely, you may still be able to get visitation if you truly do care for Emma.

And in the event that later on down the line she's still being mistreated by the new additions to her family, you may be able to build a case to give her a better home.