'AITA for expecting my husband to sleep in our kids' room because of his snoring?'

"AITA for expecting my husband to sleep in our kids room?"

I (36f) have handled kids through the night for 15 years. I have 2 kids from before my now husband (31m), he had 2, and we have 2 together. We got together when my youngest was 2 and his youngest was 3 (7 years ago). I’ve never had good sleepers. My two oldest are diagnosed ADHD and I know my 4-year-old will be. Since my firstborn, I’ve woken up many times a night to handle kids.

Five years ago, I became pregnant with my son with my husband and became a SAHM. I began sleeping separately from him due to different sleep patterns, moving into a room with my older son and newborn. My husband had his own room, bed, gaming computer, collectibles, his “bachelor pad.” Later, our baby and I moved into another room, bed sharing. My husband still had his own room.

Three years ago, I became pregnant with our daughter. Again, I was in a room with my toddler and baby, him still in his own room. By last year, we had to split our teen girls into separate rooms, which put my husband, me, and our 2 toddlers in one room. He didn’t want to lose his space, so we built a false wall half for his gaming/collectibles, and all shared a big bed. I still handled the kids since he works.

He eventually wanted a bed alone with me, so I convinced him to give up his side and add a bed. Unfortunately, he developed bad snoring. We’ve tried solutions, but he won’t follow through on a sleep study. I often kick him out so I can sleep. We’ve since moved to a bigger home. Our toddlers share a room (4-year-old sleeps decently, 2-year-old still ends up with me). I haven’t had good sleep in 15 years.

I’ve asked him to sleep in our daughter’s bed on work nights so I can rest. He won’t. He sometimes sleeps on the couch but usually stays until I kick him out for snoring. I also have to wake at 5:15am to make sure he’s up for work, which keeps me up for at least another hour. I struggle with sleep anyway, often lying awake at 4am from his snoring, seeing no point in falling asleep before alarms start going off.

Tonight, I was awoken at 3am after not sleeping until 1am. Still awake at 4:15, knowing 5am alarms are coming. AITA for expecting him to sleep in our daughter’s bed so I don’t suffer nightly? Should I be the one? To me, one person in a twin makes more sense than me and a toddler sharing one.

TLDR: AITA for expecting my husband to sleep in our toddler’s bed due to his snoring so I can get decent sleep? I’m a SAHM who shared rooms with kids for years while he had his own. One person in a twin makes more sense than two.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

oop_norf said:

"I also have to wake at 5:15am to make sure he’s up for work." Aside from all the rest of the general wtf-ery here, absolutely WTF is this?! Why do you have to wake at 5:15am to make sure he’s up? I can't help but feel that you have taken a series of quite deliberate choices over an extended period of time to completely screw yourself over and now you're sad about the inevitable result.

ESH - you and he have created an unviable living situation for yourselves through a combination of not having enough space, and/or having too many children, and by a ridiculous division of responsibilities.

You're right that it doesn't work, but that doesn't get you off the hook - this isn't something he did to you, you did it together.

PhotoForward2499 said:

ESH - you started this, no? You started letting children sleep with you all over the place. Literally your entire timeline has you sleeping with this one or that one, or some of them @_@ Now I don’t have any kids with ADHD, but even puppies can be trained to sleep alone thru the night. (not calling any one’s kids puppies).

Yes, I feel very bad for a fellow sleep deprived woman, and I also think your husband should do something, literally ANYTHING to help you get some sleep even if occasionally. But you are mad at him for drawing his own boundaries and sticking to them, which you should have drawn for yourself and never did.

Kitastrophe8503 said:

"I also have to wake at 5:15am to make sure he’s up for work." I'm sorry, what in the actual hell did you just say? NTA. I don't even remember what this post was about. All I know is rage. Tell that man to get his sh!t together before i ooze through the computer screen like a horror monster and start causing the trouble someone needs to in your house.

weirwoodheart said:

ESH. Why have you both chosen to live in houses where you don't have enough bedrooms for the children you have? Honestly you both deserve this, although his immature attitude of you needing to wake his grown up ass so he can go to work does give him extra AH.

OP responded:

Our house now does have enough rooms, just not enough for two adults to not share? I think it's pretty normal for 2 young kids to share a room. 3 older ones have their own room. We didn't originally live in a smaller home. We had to move their after job losses.

syzygyNYC said:

NTA But you have trained him to get everything he wants in this household. Time to put your foot down and NOT come to the rescue. He knows if he does nothing…. you’ll step in. Put him in a sleeping bag outside the kids’ door. So the kids don’t get bothered by him either.

And DROP HIM OFF at the sleep study. Sleep apnea causes dementia, lethargy, lack of focus, lack of executive functioning. You need an adult partner. Not a 7th child.

If he won’t grow up…. you know what to do.

Lazy-General332 said:

NTA. Your husband probably has sleep apnea which is why he can’t get up. This is his problem. Stop waking him and let him feel the consequences of it. You are putting yourself at risk of so many health problems by not sleeping. Sleep is a necessity- not a luxury. This is deeply unfair to you. He is putting both your heath at risk.

I have sleep apnea and use a C-pap. My partner was able to sleep when I snored but then I stopped breathing for short spells and that freaked him out. I got the sleep test, got the C-pap and now we both sleep better. I hate the C-pap but I hate not breathing properly even more, so…. You can tell him from me he is being inconsiderate and isn’t caring at all about your health.

And OP responded:

He absolutely does. I have been on him many times about his sleep study. He had one set up and all he had to do was pick up the equipment for a home study and he never did. He still hasn't put in the effort to get the referral again. I've even recorded him and showed him how bad it gets.

It seems especially worse if he has a poor diet and eats things he shouldn't, like dairy and gluten. I wake him when needed since he works and has a good paying job, I dont know how we would survive him getting fired. How did your partner adjust to sleeping to the sound of a cpap? I worry that would be hard, too.

He has such a negative view of not sleeping in the same bed as me, like it makes our marriage less than. But it only causes us both to sleep poorly. I wake him up so many times just to adjust and snore less.