'AITA for feeling like my sister should be paying for the funeral upgrades?'
"AITA for feeling like my sister should be paying for the funeral upgrades?"
Worgensgowoof
So, I haven't said anything about this yet, so I'm coming here for thoughts on it. My mom died about a month ago. don't worry, I'm not super upset, she was kind of a monster to me even though she was either neutral (to my sister) or babies her golden child (my brother) making me the scapegoat.
Though this has been a small problem that my sister wants me to be more upset over this whole thing, but my mom made it real easy for me to get over it outside I'll never get closure for a lot that she's done.
The issue though arose after she died, a few days after my sister came to me saying she needed $3k extra for the services. She had thought that she'd have access to my mom's bank account for this after she died to pay for it when she made the decision because "Mom only dies once". She made that decision for everyone else without talking about it.
So, I didn't say anything about how I felt that she did this without saying anything to anyone, but I did help out with the expense.
But here's the problem I'm having.
1) she did this without talking to anyone (there's also a lot of other things with this whole scenario that she's just been telling people how it's going to be and not talking and acting like things are a done deal).
And 2) she made it sound like my brother and I both were going to be responsible for $1000 for the funeral upgrade anyways... again, without asking us if we'd be willing to pay for it.
The will itself was also sort of a nightmare show. On my end. I was left 100% out of the will (I figured) she left everything to my brother and sister. However, my sister said they were going to instead split everything 3 ways evenly. Great right? Well sort of wrong, because my mom also tried to write in the will the house she was living in was going to my brother...
But my mom is an idiot because my name is on the deed because I'm the one that paid for it and she thought she was going to be able to just once again steal from me to give it to my brother and she can't. I thought at first that if everything was going to be split 3 ways, I may not fight the house, be willing to sell it and add that to the whole 3 way split.
But now that she has done this, and is still talking about what SHE is planning on for the house, I'm getting to the point that I just want to lawyer up, take the house, leave them out of the house and they can keep the damn cash and stay the hell out of my life.
But this could just be intrusive thoughts and paranoia getting the best of me because like I said, I haven't said anything about what my sister is doing... but honestly, the way she said and did things leave me with no way TO say anything without it being a problem is how I feel about it.
So not really regarding the house, WIBTA if I told her I'm expecting her to reimburse me for that funeral expense at minimum out of her portion of the financial assets since I didn't agree to pay.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ermmahhhgerrrd
NTA and if you're on the deed, it's your house, not part of her estate. Get a lawyer now.
HappyLucyD
This is the only way. I’m not sure if the estate went through probate, or if you have an executor, OP, but you need to get more involved in this to safeguard your assets. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I have had a similar situation when my father died, and I know firsthand how hard it is for the “black sheep” to deal with that. My sister was also upset that I wasn’t sufficiently upset that my abusive, narcissist father had passed, and has made things difficult. Just get a good lawyer and let them guide you.
Cucoloris
You need to get a lawyer if for nothing else to stand up for you. The house is yours, period. Your mother can not give it to your brother because she does not own it. It isn't part of the will.
She is pitting you and your siblings against each other from beyond the grave. She knew the fight she was setting up. She sounds like a piece of work. If you can't tell your brother and sister no then hire a lawyer to tell them no.
Live_Western_1389
Tell sister: Hey, Sis, hate to spoil your plans, but Mom was living in MY house. I paid for it, the deed is in my name, and it’s not one of her assets.
Spinnerofyarn
NTA. You don’t approve costs and then tell others to pay up so the funeral expenses are her problems, not yours. As to the house, perhaps consulting an estate attorney would be helpful.
lovinglifeatmyage
Sounds like your sister is being sneaky. If there isn’t as much in assets in the will as your house is worth then of course she and your brother would be happy to split it 3 ways if you’re throwing your house in the pot, it’s not rocket science for her to think that.
To be honest, it sounds like the apple didn’t fall from the tree where your sister is concerned. Personally I’d tell her that you’re not in the will so you don’t want to be a part of it, but the house is yours, you paid for it and it’s not part of your mothers assets so it can’t be counted.
Also, any extra money she wants from the funeral can come from her estate. Not sure how it works in your country, but here in the UK you can take money out of a deceased persons account for funeral expenses, I think the bank pays the bill. So it’s worth pursuing.
Also I think you probably need to change the locks on the house in case either of your siblings decide to ‘move in’ it’s much harder to get someone out then prevent it.
The audacity of your mother thinking she could will ‘your’ house to your brother is breathtaking, that’s a sign of a true narcissist. Don’t let your sister walk all over you. Good luck.
Flashy-Promise-6915
Nope - no-one gets to spend your money for you, especially for someone who in life, did not appreciate you for you.