Father's girlfriend ambushes expectant mother with unwanted gender reveal party. + Update
"AITA for for ruining my own gender reveal party?"
ThrowawayGenReveal
I'm pregnant with a baby boy due in November. My fiancé and I didn't care much about the sex of our child, so we didn't make too much noise about it once we found out. The only people we'd informed were our parents, their partners and our siblings.
Prior to this, my father's girlfriend of 3 years had been asking me about my plans for a gender reveal party. I've always been clear about not wanting one. When I announced my son's gender to them, she expressed disappointment that I hadn't changed my mind about a party.
I don't like gender reveals. Never have, never will. I prefer baby showers, which I think feel more about the actual child. I never tried to hide that opinion, either.
Days later, my father's girlfriend invited me over for tea at their apartment (my dad was out of town). When I got there, about a dozen people popped out of hiding to surprise me. There were pink and blue decorations everywhere, which made what was going on pretty clear.
As I stood there in shock, my father's girlfriend excitedly told me they were throwing me a surprise gender reveal party. Since I'd already told her, she had taken it upon herself to order a cake with colorful frosting, decorate the apartment and invite a bunch of people over.
The guests included her mother (whom I don't get along with), some of her friends, my MIL (not my mom) and four of my friends. As I later found out, my MIL and friends had been told I'd changed my mind about gender reveals. I had not. Still in the doorway, I looked over at everyone and said, "It's a boy. You guys can go home now." I left without looking back.
Hours later, my father called me furious that I'd ruined the party. He said his girlfriend had put a lot of effort, money and love into planning it, and I should have shown respect and gratitude for it. Apparently, she hadn't stopped crying since I left.
It's been almost a week, and they're both still upset. Even after I explained I never wanted that party in the first place, they're insisting I could have sucked it up for an hour, or at least cut the cake. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Sorsha4564
NTA. This smacks of her trying to “prove” that she cares about you more than your mom, especially seeing as how either your mom wasn’t invited or she turned down the invitation to respect your wishes. She doesn’t seem to get that the way to prove she cares about you at all is to actually listen to what you want and don’t want.
THe OP responded here:
ThrowawayGenReveal
I asked my mom, she confirmed she wasn't invited. According to my father's girlfriend, she didn't have her number. That's probably true, but I have no idea how she could have gotten my MIL's.
Sorsha4564
She expects you to believe that your father wouldn’t have had her number or been able to get ahold of your mom somehow? Even if they’re not in contact at all, he could still have pointed her in the right direction to get it. So she doesn’t just stomp all over your boundaries, she’s insulting your intelligence. Lovely.
The OP again responded here:
ThrowawayGenReveal
I think the real reason is that she knew my mom wouldn't back her up. Had my mother been invited, she would have told me everything. She knows I wouldn't want a gender reveal.
Amazing-Wave4704
Can I just add (in addition to NOT the AH) thank you from society for not wanting a gender reveal?? ❤❤❤
Ok_Conversation9750
NTA. Dads gf sounds like someone who enjoys bulldozing boundaries. Wait until she expects to be in the delivery room with you!
Dittoheadforever
You're NTA. You made yourself very clear in how you felt about gender reveal parties. You dad's girlfriend completely and deliberately disregarded that and disrespected you.
"He said his girlfriend had put a lot of effort, money and love into planning it, and I should have shown respect and gratitude for it."
So sorry the party she planned for herself was ruined. Maybe she should have gone a step further and not even invited you, since this party was all about what she wanted.
West-Dimension8407
"Dear Dad, that's on her. I didn't want that party. I told everyone I don't want GR party. She invited HER mother but not mine. Tell her to get her shit together and start respecting my boundaries."
Fantastic-Sea-3462
NTA. It wasn't your gender reveal party, it was her boyfriend's-daughter's-baby's gender reveal party. Nothing about that party was for or about you, so why should you feel gratitude for it?
gracelesswonder
NTA. That was incredibly rude. She straight up lied, and your dad is salty? He should be mad at her for disrespecting your wishes. She wanted that party for herself, not you.
Lexpressionista74
And they lied to your family/friends saying you changed your mind. That reeks of psycho and a permanent boundary crosser to me. Point out that lying about you is unacceptable and either he changes his attitude or you'll have to go LC until he breaks up with miss psychopath.
crumpledspoon
Amazing. You handled that beautifully. NTA. You didn't ruin your gender reveal party. When people give gifts, parties included, the recipient is under no obligation to be grateful and gracious if it is something they have explicitly said they don't want.
Your father's GF had a baby genitalia themed party, with your baby's genitalia as the centerpiece. Nobody you cared about had been invited, it was all about her. And you told them about your baby's genitalia, which was the whole point of that party, no? 🤷♀️
Fifteen days later, the OP responded with an update.
ThrowawayGenReveal
Thank you for all your replies. Especially those who called me the AH for having a gender reveal. I'm assuming you didn't read my post, but you still cracked me up. All jokes aside, I've been expected to be a pushover for most of my life (older daughter of divorced parents), so it was good to know I was right to stand my ground on this issue.
After reading your comments, I've concluded that the only thing I did wrong was leaving without talking to my friends and MIL. They were lied to and put in an awkward position after I left. I did talk to them the next day and apologized, but I wish I'd told them what was going on.
A few days ago, my fiancé and I invited my father and his girlfriend over. I told them I was extremely upset with them both, but I wanted to sort this out peacefully. We still ended up fighting. My father agreed with some points I made, but kept insisting that I was ungrateful and owed his girlfriend an apology. She was quiet at first, but started crying about 20 minutes into the fight.
My father's girlfriend said she threw the party because she cared about me, and that she'd want one if she was pregnant. She started talking about all the gender reveal videos she'd watched on TikTok, and how happy the parents look in them. She told me she genuinely thought I'd love it, and couldn't understand why I'd been so rude to her.
To my surprise, my fiancé was the first to snap at that (he's usually the calm one). He told her to stop calling it my party, since she clearly threw it for herself. I had expressed countless times that I didn't want a gender reveal, and I was well within my rights to leave when she tried to ambush me with one.
The fight didn't go on for much longer after that. Near its end, my father asked me why I hadn't at least played along for a while. I told him I went there expecting to spend an hour with someone I've been meaning to get to know better, not to spend my entire afternoon entertaining a dozen people (more than half of whom I either didn't know or didn't like) who got together to talk about my child's privates.
I didn't mean to upset anyone, but I had to get out. My father didn't argue with that. There were two main pieces of advice from your comments that I decided to follow. The first was to tell my father's girlfriend she needed to apologize to my friends and MIL for lying to them. She agreed (and they later confirmed she did).
Secondly, neither of them will be allowed to meet my son at the hospital when he's born. My father had been looking forward to this, so it wasn't an easy decision, but I made it clear it was final.
My father called me the next day to apologize for everything, and I forgave him. I don't expect an apology from his girlfriend, but I'm done feeding that fire. My life is stressful enough as it is. My son will be here in November. He already has a name, and we've just started working on his nursery. I truly can't wait to meet him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Smoothyworld
I find this weird. Not from you but from your father and gf who somehow expected you to like what they surprised you with, even though you expressly stated you didn't want one. Sounds like they had a specific idea and ran with it all while refusing to listen to anyone else. At least it's sorted.
triskadancer
Agree. It's always baffling to me how people can be directly told "I do not like or want [thing]", and then proceed to do the thing and are SHOCKED that the person doesn't like or want it. Like, they told you very clearly. Why assume your opinion is more valid than their own when it's FOR THEM?
TZH85
I don't think she expected OP to suddenly like it. I think she expected her to shut up and play along out of embarrassment and a sense of obligation towards the guests. It was a power play.
FlamingCinnamonRoll
I really think OP deserves a major round of applause. 👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 So many people come to Reddit after having sucked it up and put on a good show. She walked right out and chose to stand her ground.
This whole situation has the healthiest conclusion I’ve happened across. I’m so happy for you and your husband and your future baby is really in for a good start with people who genuinely love him and want the absolute best life. Parents who are willing to enforce tough boundaries and not give a F about others drama are the real heroes. 🥲