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Tension simmers when mom refuses to give 'credit stealing' DIL family secrets. AITA?

Tension simmers when mom refuses to give 'credit stealing' DIL family secrets. AITA?


"AITA for gatekeeping my recipes from my one upper DIL"


So my DIL has a habit of one upping people, at the beginning I don’t really notice it but it is obvious now. Everyone in the family has something they are good at and it’s like their thing. For example my daughter was really into making pies.

One day DIL ( I’ll call her Kelly) asked for the recipes. My daughter gave them and started to bring pies to every family event, kinda kicking my daughter out of her thing. Then pushed for the family to compare them. My daughter wasn’t happy.

The big one which made me really notice what she was doing was when she one upped my youngest. She was 14 at the time and when they all the kids hit high school, they were responsible for getting gifts for events.

My youngest wasn’t hiding the fact that she was giving me a knitted scarf for secret Santa. She was 14 and was very obvious about it. The whole family knew. So on Christmas DIL got me a very nice scarf bonus gift, and gave it to me right after my youngest gave me hers. So that wasn’t okay. I had a conversation with her and she denied doing it, my son also told me he can’t see it.

Every since then more people have been noticing it and even my husband sees it. It has happened to almost every women/girl in the family at this point. This brings me to the point of this post, I have really good Italian recipes form my mom.

I bring them to events. My DIL asked for the recipes and I told her no. This started about why. She accused me on not giving her family recipes since I don’t see her as families and I told her it is due to her behavior. She called me a d!! My son is also on my case about it saying I am gatekeeping recipient since I don’t like her.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:


NTA. Her behaviour isn’t acceptable. Give her the recipes, but altered. Missing ingredients, wrong amounts, etc. She can make a lesser version of it and then ask people to compare lol.

The OP responded here:


No, Jesus Christ. I’m not going to mess with recipes and trick her. That not how to handle things, that blowing everything up. That so petty, and messed up. Let’s set a trap to humilating her. No just no.


NTA They are your recipes from your mom. You don’t have to give them to anyone if you don’t want to.


NTA. Son wants to appease his wife, so of course he sees no problems with her actions. You can always say "When I stop making them, then I will consider who to pass them on to."


If she needs to compete and let everyone know she’s the best-the chance of the scarf being an accident is possible but in no way probable. Trying to get people to compare pies is tacky at best-she can find her competitors elsewhere. NTA.


"My son is also on my case about it saying I am gatekeeping recipient since I don’t like her."

Damn right you're gatekeeping. Your mum gave you those recipes. It's entirely your place to choose who you share them with -- and who you don't. It's 100% your job to "gatekeep" your mother's recipes.

Clearly, your son isn't aware that gatekeeping can be a positive thing. It's not always bad. Family recipes always have a gatekeeper precisely because people like DIL exist.

Not only has DIL's past behaviour proven she is neither respectful nor trustworthy, but bullying and insulting you, and turning your son against you, all because you dared to tell her "no" proves she should never have them. NTA.


Explain to you son that it isn't that you don't like "her" it's her behavior that you find troubling and you aren't going to enable it. Preferably put this in a letter where you can bullet point each of her instances of hurting people through her behavior so that he can't interrupt or derail you.

You could also try giving her one of the recipes-- but with some serious revisions then sit back and see what happens. What she did to your daughter with the scarf was unforgivably cruel and on some level your son knows that. NTA. DO talk to the other family members and explain your rationale about not sharing the recipes PARTICULARYLY if you've given them the recipes.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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