'AITA for getting angry at my wife for kissing her best friend?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for getting angry at my wife for kissing her best friend?"

Me(30m) and my wife(28f) have been married for 2 years and dating 4 years before that. Let's call her Maya. Maya has a best friend named Ella(28f). They met in middle school while I only met Maya in college. They're really close but always say that their relationship is platonic.

Ella is really touchy and likes to get real close to her friends a lot, especially with Maya. Now, I don't really mind the hugs and occasional kisses on the cheek. But what really bugged me was when Ella kissed Maya, lips to lips. I'd like to add that Maya is bi.

You may say that I'm just being insecure. But if I just kiss my girl friend just because and say we're platonic friends, most people will say that's cheating. And that's what I feel. So that kiss happened when we were hanging out with mutual friends. When we went home, I expressed my concerns to Maya.

I told her that the kiss made me really uncomfortable and I don't want her to do that anymore. Surprisingly, Maya got really defensive. Saying that it didn't mean anything and "it's just what girl friends do." We had a little back and forth leading to me sleeping on the couch. But I don't really think I'm in the wrong here. AITA?

The internet had lots of comments and questions to add.

Tfuentexxx wrote:

IT'S CHEATING. Period. The excuse of it's not cheating if it's with another woman or a person of the same sex does not work any longer in today's world. Also, OP also failed to add that Maya is bi, but his wife also is bi, he just doesn't know, didn't want to say or is playing dumb.

OP responded:

Oh I'm sorry. I didn't really know and I didn't want to assume anything. Also I think you were mistaken. Maya is my wife and Ella is her best friend. Maya was open to me about her being bi long before we started dating. I don't know anything about Ella though. We don't really talk much unless it concerns Maya. (ex. asking about gift ideas, etc.)

throwaway6491992858 wrote:

Idk lol I kiss my girl friends occasionally but never in a weird way. More like I love you bye! Especially if she’s known her since middle school, I don’t see it as being that weird. Note to add, I don't MAKEOUT kiss them lol, its a peck on the lips. nothing weird about it.

OP responded:

I think that's how Maya thinks about this. But it's honestly weird to me for someone who is married to do that. It would've been fine if she said she understood my boundaries but it's really weird she got defensive about it. We talked a bit yesterday, but it seems like she's still angry. I'll try talking to her again today.

Puzzled-Ad7536 wrote:

NTA. You have every right to be uncomfortable with that. It’s not the “what girl friends do” thing that is concerning, but that it was a lip kiss. If it was a peck on the cheek I wouldn’t be so bothered but a lip kiss is a bit too much.

LousyOpinions wrote:

Tell Maya you're going to get in touch with a lawyer to examine your options and that she should contact Ella to discuss their options. Tell her that earning back your trust will require effort and that any physical contact beyond hugging will end your marriage. You do not have to compromise your boundaries.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Since, someone asked: here's an update. It's been about a month since I last posted and a lot has happened since then.

I stood my ground against Maya and demanded an apology from her. We got to arguing and she left to stay with a friend. Guess what? She went to Ella!

I honestly can't with the audacity. Your partner is worried you might be cheating on them, but instead of reassuring them, you went to that person's house to cool off after your argument!?

To be honest, I was still second guessing my confrontation, so I talked with some friends and reminded me that what I did was right. They gave me some advise such as if I really want the marriage to work, we could go to couple's therapy, or if my line ends here I should just get divorced. You might not have agreed with me, but I chose the former. I tried to contact Maya but to no avail.

Instead, Ella called me and cursed me on the phone. Telling me that I'm an asshole for arguing about their so called "friendship". About a week later, Maya contacted me and said that my blatant "gaslighting" and "insecurity" led her to believe that we shouldn't be together and that she will be divorcing me. We are currently in the divorce process. Maya will not talk to me unless it is by her lawyer.

Our mutual friends are siding with me, so I'm grateful for that. Honestly, even if Maya did or didn't cheat on me, I wouldn't care anymore. This whole situation changed my image of her. I do not think we can work this out with all that has happened. And to those who might be asking: no, she was not like this before. We have gotten into arguments as normal couples do, but we have work through those together.

Maybe me addressing Maya and Ella's relationship hit a nerve that she didn't knew existed. But alas, our relationship has hit not a bump but almost a mountain. I will be going through with the divorce and will not be posting any update soon nor later. Thank you for the advise, as well as validation for my feelings.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

tiggergirluk76 wrote:

Wow, that she's saying you're the one gaslighting.

She is the one who is bi, and kissing a person of a gender she is attracted to. She is the one claiming people who are just friends do this all the time, and that you're being insecure. This is the very definition of gaslighting.

Badass_Vixen wrote:

It's a sad outcome, but you're not in the wrong. You stood up for your boundaries and self-respect. Stay strong and take care of yourself through the divorce process.

mischievousqueenie wrote:

Wow, I guess things really escalated since your last post. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is ending, but it seems like you have a lot of support from your friends and that's important. It's always tough to realize that someone we thought we knew and loved can turn out to be someone else.

But don't let this experience deter you from finding love again! And hey, at least now you have a funny story to tell at parties about how you ended up divorcing over your wife's best friend. Hang in there!

WinterFront1431 wrote:

Yikes. You had a lucky escape, dude.

More than likely, they were sleeping together. If not, she let her friend whisper shit in her ear to make her think what they did was okay.