'AITA for getting into an argument with my girlfriend about her coworker?'
"AITA for getting into an argument with my girlfriend about her coworker?"
StreetInitiative4580
I (26M) recently got into an argument with my girlfriend (26F) over her coworker. For context, we’ve been together for six years. She just started her first year as a middle school teacher, and she’s loving her job and coworkers.
I’m really proud of her because she was nervous about how the staff and students would treat her, especially since middle school can be a tough environment. Thankfully, things have been going great and her colleagues and students seem to adore her.
The issue began when she mentioned a coworker (let’s call him John). At first, she told me he gave her snacks or drinks one day. I didn’t think much of it at the time, just a nice gesture, right?
But over the next few weeks, she brought up that John was consistently giving her things, almost daily. That’s when I asked, “Does he do this for other teachers on his team?” (since the school groups teachers by subject). She said, “Not that I know of. I think it’s just me.” We both found it a little odd but left it at that.
A week later, I went with her to a school basketball game to support their schools’ team. When we arrived, she pointed out her coworkers sitting in the bleachers, including John. As we walked over, I noticed John immediately locked eyes on me and didn’t look away until we got closer.
It felt like he was sizing me up, which was weird as hell. When we finally approached them, John greeted my girlfriend but barely acknowledged me, even when I introduced myself. His behavior felt... off, it’s almost as if he was disappointed that I was there and just wanted it to just be my girlfriend.
Fast forward to the other night, my girlfriend and I were making dinner when she casually mentioned that John had messaged her. I asked if everything was okay, and she explained that John was struggling because his girlfriend’s dad had recently passed away.
She added, “We’re not even close or talk much, so I don’t know why he’s telling me this.” That’s when I commented, “That’s kind of strange. I’d personally only share something that personal with someone I’m close to.”
From there, I started expressing about how certain things about John bothered me. Some mutual friends of ours, who know John, also mentioned that he comes across as weird and shady. While we started eating, I could tell my girlfriend was getting upset.
So, I asked her what was wrong, she said she was irritated. When I asked why, she told me it was because I was being unsympathetic toward John and his situation. I responded by saying, “I get that he’s going through a hard time, and I don’t mean to sound cold.
But what’s frustrating is how this is affecting you, about someone you’ve admitted you barely know or talk to. If he were a close friend, I’d understand, but he’s not.” She said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and since then, we’ve barely spoken.
So please tell me, AITAH for saying those things and feeling that way towards her coworker? I wasn’t trying to be unsympathetic, but the situation just doesn’t sit right with me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
the-italian-american
NTA. You’re expressing your concern in a logical and respectful manner. Unless there’s something behind the scenes that I’m not reading, your girlfriend is coming off a little immature given your dating history. It’s not like you’re two weeks in.
GuyFromLI747
NTA.. he’s sizing you up and most women do get that part.. it’s almost like when another woman just instinctively knows about another woman..mutual friends need to express this to her...
CommunityGreat9255
NTA. "When I asked why, she told me it was because I was being unsympathetic toward John and his situation." Dude, you need to understand what's really going on here. I think you know exactly what John is thinking. But I'm not sure you know exactly what your girlfriend is thinking, about John.
First, I don't think she's planning to cheat on you. I could be wrong on this point, but I think she really intends to be faithful to you. HOWEVER....as many women do, she has pegged John as your prospective future replacement.
Basically, this means she's not 100% committed to making things work with you. On some level, she's already looking for her next boyfriend, knowing there WILL be a next boyfriend. You would be well within your rights to demand she cut all contact with John, even at work.
If she objects, then she is telling you with action that John is more important to her than you are. That would be very bad for YOU in the context of, she's already eye-ing John as your future replacement.
Kandy20th
NTA... So...my first feelings reading this was he is going through a bad time with his current girlfriend and is using your girlfriend as a Ego boost. If his relationship fails he has a back up.... however he is definitely making her feel important etc which is making her feel valued. I know you are in a relationship but over time we obviously take things for granted so I think he is playing on this.
rockology_adam
YTA. Understandably, but still. Your GF told you that a friend of hers recently lost someone close(ish) to them. The appropriate response is some sympathetic or consoling platitude.
Look, until lines are actually crossed, then what this is is that your GF has a new friend at work. You say you noticed that John locked eyes with you at the basketball game, but OP, that is a two-person tango. Your mutual friends have mentioned John as creepy and shady to you, but wouldn't that include your GF too? What did they say to her about him?
In the end, here, everything you're complaining about regarding John is equally likely to be him being weird or you being paranoid. Both are possible. They aren't mutually exclusive. The person here who gets to make the call on who is in the wrong is your GF.
She presented John's issue to you as a situation a friend was going through, and your answer was jealousy. That jealousy implies mistrust, and so far, whatever John seems like, your GF hasn't done anything to earn that mistrust.
But you mistrust her anyway. And that's A-hole behaviour. It's also the behaviour that would make a woman hide her communication with a male friend from you. What's amazing here is that your GF was open about John messaging and what it was about. That's kind of the gold standard. She's not hiding anything. You shouldn't have anything to worry about.
Particular-Lime1651
Ohhh sweet summer child.. Your girlfriend is naive. He is waiting for his turn, for sure. Nta, not at all.