'AITA for getting tattoos and making other 'drastic changes' against my husband's wishes?'

"Am I wrong for getting tattooed against my husband’s wishes?"

I (53 F) and my husband (51 M) have been married for 25+ years. I started getting tattoos three years ago and I currently have 7. My husband has complained each time I’ve gotten a tattoo. He says they are a waste of money and he doesn’t like tattoos. He has also said that I have too many of them, and I need to stop.

Yesterday, I told him I made an appointment for another tattoo. He told me I need to consider that he married me when I had zero tattoos and I am changing myself drastically. He also said I am quickly reaching the limit where he will no longer find me attractive.

To be clear, I work and the money I spend for tattoos isn’t coming out of joint funds or money needed to pay bills. His argument is strictly about how he feels about my body and how I am choosing to decorate it.

One of my arguments is that I have the freedom of self expression. During the course of our marriage, the tattoos aren’t the only thing about me that has changed. I’ve also had 2 kids. I’ve gained and lost and regained 100 pounds. I’ve had multiple haircuts. He also gets upset when I cut my hair short.

I see his behavior as controlling. He sees my behavior as making drastic permanent changes without taking him into consideration. He thinks my tattoos are an act of rebellion against him and that I’m doing this to get back at him because I think he’s controlling. (I’ve accused him of being controlling for other things in the past.)

So, am I wrong for suddenly taking an interest in getting tattoos without asking my spouse how he feels about it? How do other people in long term relationships handle one partner making a drastic or permanent change to their appearance - do they have a discussion first, or just do what they want?

EDIT: Since a lot of commenters have been asking about my sudden need to get tattoos, cut my hair, and get fat, let me clear up a few things. My only grievous recent sin is the tattoos. In terms of weight, my weight has fluctuated our entire marriage. Many of us struggle with weight. I’ve given birth, so my body doesn’t look great from that. I was fat when we married.

I’m currently 20 pounds heavier than I was when we married and actively dieting. The same with hair. My hair has changed dozens of times during our marriage- the only difference now is that I keep it short because it is thinning badly on top. Believe me, I wish it could be long. I’ve consulted with hairdressers and my doctor. I’m using a special shampoo to promote hair growth.

I cut it short and artfully arrange it so it covers my scalp. My husband tells me I look like a boy. As for the tattoos, two of them cover self-harm scars from my teenage years. My most recent one covers dog injury scars. That’s what the next one is for. The others are just because I like them.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commentrs had to say:

Lurki_Turki said:

You’re free to get tattoos and he’s free to dislike it/leave. It’s not that deep.

Bambino3221 said:

You don’t have to consult him to do something to your body. He doesn’t have to find you attractive if you make changes to your body.

skye024 said:

you’re not wrong necessarily but also this is kind of a baseline incompatibility? I have tattoos, so I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t like tattoos. if i married someone who liked my current tattoos but said they probably wouldn’t love it if i got a million more, id decide what was worth more: the relationship or the tattoos. for me, because i really love the person im with, id choose the relationship.

this is kind of complex considering you’ve been married for so long, but did you know he wasn’t the biggest fan of tattoos? at the end of the day, you have every right to get more tattoos. he also has every right to no longer be attracted to you because he’s not attracted to tattoos. I don’t think that’s something you can change, and there’s a limit to how much someone can overlook.

I’ve been in a relationship for ten years with someone who is not controlling in any way, shape, or form, but I still discuss all “large” changes to my appearance with him because I personally like him to be attracted to me. He speaks with me before he grows a beard, gets a drastically different haircut, or a new tattoo. We’re always honest with the other, but we don’t stand in the other person’s way.

I find a lot of men’s tattoos to be ugly but I like his, so they’re attractive to me. At the same time he once proposed an awful tattoo idea that would have been a massive turn off, so I was honest about that. He ultimately chose not to get it, but if he had, there’s no way I would have been able to see him in an attractive light ever again lol.

I recommend maybe meeting with a marriage counselor if you want this marriage to work because it sounds like you both resent each other.

Significant_Wish_357 asked:

Why are you getting tattoos? Are they to commemorate an event? Death of a loved one?! Oh, and how big are they? Are you getting whole sleeves done!? Need clarification but, without all that...I think talking about getting a tattoo is good to share with your partner, you can still get it anyway. I'm sure he'll ask the same questions I just did or do even you know why?

OP responded:

One of the tattoos is my mother’s birth flower, which I got on her birthday around 3 years after she passed. (My mother was a huge tattoo enthusiast.) The largest is a lighthouse- me, my aunt and my grandmother all collect lighthouse knickknacks and stuff. Most of the tats are on my arms. All can be covered and workplace appropriate.

Maleficent_Pop9398 said:

She’s gained and lost 100lbs and the dude is still there. She’s not being forthcoming about the reasons why she wants the tats. If you want to express yourself, write a poem or paint a picture. This seems like the cowards way to a divorce.

OP responded:

I’ve been forthcoming to him about my reason for the tats. I’m an author. I’ve written and published 8 books. He hasn’t read any of them. Obviously he doesn’t like my self expression in any form. I believe this issue will have to be worked out in marriage counseling, if at all. The internet is just a good sounding board since he isn’t really speaking to me right now.

wattscup said:

The fact you post for thousands to read but don't have the open communication with him to resolve it says everything. Doomed.

OP responded:

He isn’t speaking to me right now. I’m sure he will in about three days. I don’t have many friends so….