"AITA for giving my daughter $60 a week, but my son nothing?"

I (45F) have two kids, 17F and 15M. We moved earlier this year to be closer to my parents as my parents health is declining. My daughter was excited about the move, but my son has struggled to adjust.

Due to the move, my job shifted to hybrid, and I needed a work-from-home setup. My bedroom is too small, and the only options were the lounge or one of the kids’ rooms during school hours. I proposed this to them - my son flat-out refused (“no way in hell”), but my daughter offered her room and half-joked about charging me rent for the space.

I thought it was fair, as I get a $20/day work-from-home allowance. I agreed to give it to her if she was okay with me setting up a small office in her room. I work from 8:30 to 5:00, and she usually starts homework right after I finish, so it’s worked out well.

Now the issue: my son is pissed that his sister is getting $60. I don’t do regular allowances, just canteen money (about $10/week) and other needs as they come up. I told him he had the same opportunity and was now shit out of luck.

He got angry and brought up the move, saying he never gets to see his friends. (For the record, I drive them back to visit every two weeks for visits) I told him I understood his feelings but said I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to like s$%t. He then started an argument with his sister too - going in on her for being an opportunistic b#$h and she called him a whiny little AH.

To cool off, I offered one of them the option to stay at their grandparents for the night - not as a punishment but to break the tension. My son opted to go & while dropping him off, my mom told me I was favoring my daughter and should be paying them equally. My dad disagreed, saying my son had the chance and was out of luck. AITA?

ETA: The conversation took place over the course of the afternoon, and I didn’t immediately agree to the deal with my daughter. I offered it to my son first, who reiterated “hell no” and “get the f#$k out of my room”.

I also should mention the reason I have the smallest room is due to the lack of insulation in the ceiling and flooring making it damp, and as we’re heading into winter I wasn’t sending either kid in there.

The room also fits a single bed, and a set of drawers - with essentially no other space at all. We own the house in Auckland NZ, and I don’t have the spare cash to get it insulated at the moment (or even fit any of my equipment to work from home in there).

The internet had a lot to say in response.

smarterthanuthink867 wrote:

INFO: why not just switch rooms with your daughter so your office is in your own bedroom?

OP responded:

The size of my room is significantly smaller than both of my kids rooms, it fits a dresser and a single bed and leaves no room for much more - I originally figured that I’d be happier just taking the smaller room, as I had the rest of the house to put my stuff in.

It’s also only room with no underfloor and ceiling insulation in (we live in New Zealand, insulation is few and far between on old homes) - and I didn’t want either of them in a cold & damp room going into winter.

Crafter2307 wrote:

YTA. You said he was having trouble adjusting - that’s the only safe space he currently has. Anyone, especially a teenage boy is going to have a knee jerk reaction to a suggestion that his space may be invaded.

You’ve uprooted his life - and by the sounds of it he doesn’t have the income to be able to go socialise with anyone else outside of school even if he’s invited. You must’ve known the limitations in advance and this should have been discussed before moving.

OP responded:

The move has been in discussion for around three years, since my parents health has started to decline - while I empathise and understand that moving and uprooting your life absolutely sucks (similar thing happened to me at his age, and I didn’t adjust for a good year or two), I also have an obligation to my parents to be close by incase anything goes wrong.

The hybrid scheduling was thrown onto me after getting the job, as my employer downsized offices just after I started. I originally wanted an in office job, for this very reason - the job market in New Zealand is absolutely cooked right now, and I’m not in a financial position to say “nah I’ll grab another job aye."

mavenmim wrote:

I can understand your logic, but I also don't totally agree with giving one child such a huge amount of money and the other nothing, and I think you are missing the bigger picture for your son, where he feels like his needs are not being considered as important within the family. If you are renting (or own) the whole house, then renting back space from a child is renting something you already paid for.

As the adult, it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect the larger room, especially if you need to work from home. If your daughter has a larger room than you, you are already giving her benefits that most parents probably wouldn't. So I don't think you need to pass on the whole working from home allowance to use the limited space that is available.

However, I get your point that it would be nice to reward her kindness in giving up some of her privacy by letting you use her space. I think the problem is that you are giving quite a lot of money to your daughter (I bet hardly any 17 year olds in a similar financial position get given a $250/month allowance). I suspect that $10/week would have been more than enough for her to feel grateful.

You could have come up with something that benefited your whole family - covering travel back to see your son's friends, for example, if he is old enough to do the journey on public transport, or having a special meal each month. If you wanted to reward your daughter's increasing independence with an allowance that would be fine too - with the expectation that your son would get the same at the same age.

I guess the only part that made me err towards YTA is that you have been so dismissive of your son's needs, and that phrase "s#$t out of luck" feels so rejecting, and to encapsulate how he must feel to be uprooted from his peer group and watching his sister being financially indulged whilst he is just getting criticism.

You say you won't tolerate being spoken to like s#$t, having just spoken to him that way. It seems like do as I say, not as I do.

To read a post with such polarised opinions about your daughter as the wonderful child and your son as the troublesome one makes me wonder whether you are projecting a negative opinion about men/boys (or his father), or have struggled with other elements of your relationship with your son.

Or, whether you actually feel a bit guilty about moving him and have persuaded yourself it is the right thing so strongly that to really acknowledge his feelings would be difficult?

HolyUnicornBatman wrote:

NTA. I’m with your daughter and dad. Despite it starting as a half-joke, your daughter’s quick thinking (and kindness to agreeing to your situation) nabbed her extra money. It just goes to show that being nice and kind in any situation (familial or anything in the real world) can have positive consequences.

SeePerspectives wrote:

Why not offer your son the opportunity to earn the same amount by doing something else that contributes towards the household too? Rather than having this be a source of tension, make it into a learning experience.

Generally, money is earned through giving our labour, time, or comfort (or a combo of them), so if he wants the money he needs to find a way to earn it. Yard work, cooking a few meals per week, keeping the shared spaces tidy and hoovered, I’m sure you can think of something.