Tough love leads to friendship breakdown as one friend rejects help with 'toxic' relationship. AITA?
"AITA for giving my friend tough love?"
So, my (28F) best friend (32F) and I have been close for years with minimal issues. Recently, we had a falling out. For context, she is VERY eager to get married and have children, she wants it as soon as reasonably possible.
Her last relationship was with a guy who she wanted to marry but he cheated on her over and over for years, it was very toxic. She continued sleeping with this ex after breaking up and also during the beginning of dating her new boyfriend.
They started dating under the context of being serious about marriage and kids. I suggested that if her new guy knew she was still sleeping with her ex would he still view her as wife material? She got defensive and insisted it wasn’t his business, and started crying. I immediate apologized, I wasn’t trying to hurt her, but the truth hurts.
For about 7 months she’s been dating her new boyfriend (40M) long distance who’s a good person but emotionally avoidant, aloof, and inconsistent. She is a very passionate, emotional, anxiously attached person so she is constantly having to ask him for more than he is giving. She complains about him often, but also keeps making excuses for him.
Recently, she called me and said she realized his avoidance might stem from when his sister died when he was 10. I told essentially “yeah maybe so, that’s awful, but… so what?” Understanding his behavior doesn’t justify it or necessarily mean he’ll change, and even if he does, healing takes a long time.
She immediately got defensive and told me to stop picking apart her thoughts and hung up on me. Alright, fair. I texted her to apologize and explained that I’ve been in her position before, rationalizing a partner’s behavior to avoid the reality that they weren’t right for me. Gotta meet people where they are.
She accused me of being judgmental, condescending, & rude. I tried to deescalate, kept apologizing, but asked her to not be so combative so we can have a constructive conversation, but she kept doubling down on the idea that I was the problem and she has done nothing wrong.
Finally, I told her to ask ChatGPT for help understanding what I was trying to say (THAT was me being rude, but I was done, and it was late). She told me our friendship was “effing over” and blocked me. I felt… relief. It’s sad but we are just living in different realities so I think this is best.
I know I can’t change or control people. She can do whatever she wants and I love her regardless. I just feel like I’d be a bad friend if I didn’t try to keep her grounded and rational when she’s in love. I would want her to do the same for me.
Could I soften my delivery? Absolutely. I don’t think I’m being an AH but my friend is not stupid, and her anger towards me is something I can’t dismiss so I’m open to being wrong and learning from this. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, but your delivery could have been softer. You care about your friend, but your bluntness likely came across as judgmental. Comments like “wife material” and “so what?” hit sensitive nerves, even if you meant well. While your concerns were valid, timing and tone matter—she seems emotionally fragile and may have needed empathy over advice.
You apologized, which shows self-awareness, but sometimes people aren’t ready to hear the truth. Space might be best for now. In the future, consider asking, “Do you want advice or just someone to listen?” to avoid similar misunderstandings. You’re not wrong, just misaligned.
wizardofspoons (OP)
I definitely see how thing I’ve said have come out too blunt, and I see how that is rude. It’s not always like that though! I’ve been gentle and still had her get upset. She doesn’t want any criticism or accountability
The problem with establishing a dynamic where I don’t give advice and just listen is it will result in me watching her continue to stumble and self-sabotage and wonder why she’s not getting what she wants, when I know the answer. I’d feel really guilty and sad, ya know? I know I can’t fix her though so moving forward I think I will just try to make friends that make decisions more aligned with my values.
NTA. Your intentions were good, but your delivery may have been too blunt for her to handle in a sensitive situation. You apologized, and that’s all you can do. If she’s not ready to hear it, that’s on her. Sometimes tough love doesn’t land the way we hope.
NTA — Sometimes the most effective medicine is the stuff with the worst side effects. You’ve tried to coddle her through this and she won’t listen so now it’s time to let her make mistakes and (hopefully) learn from them.