'AITA for 'glowing up' after my divorce and not before?' UPDATED
"AITA for 'glowing up' after my divorce and not before?"
ThatPeach7311
I (53F) have been divorced from my ex-husband "Larry" (54M) for 6 years. Larry and I have two adult children, "Steve" (27M) and "Carla" (25F). Larry and I met in college when we were both electrical engineering students.
We were both very much on the nerdy side and looked the part, but were very attracted to each other (so I thought anyway). We got married soon after we graduated and both worked as engineers, but after a few years Larry decided he wanted to go to law school (to become a patent lawyer).
In order to look the lawyer part, Larry underwent a major glow-up during this time on pretty much all levels (tailored clothes, fancy haircuts, designer accessories like watches, etc., along with working out to trade his "dad bod" for a lean gym body).
During this time, I was having/raising our small children, while taking care of about 95% of household matters because of his long working hours, all while working full time.
I admit I did not "glow up" along with Larry. My own appearance has always been on the plainer side - I'm not overweight but a bit stocky (5'5"/140 lbs), simply cut hair, glasses, practical clothes, not much makeup.
Larry loved me as-is for about the first decade of our relationship, but after he started working as a lawyer, he started to become drawn to more conventionally attractive women and had several affairs.
When I pressed for counseling, he said that the issues were things like my big nose and post-baby tummy pooch (not things I could fix with a simple makeover).
I was getting organized to ask for a divorce when Carla was hit by a car while riding her bike. She survived and is fine now, but needed several years of intensive surgeries and rehab.
In order to provide a unified front for Carla (and Steve), Larry and I agreed to stay married and be as cordial as possible (he continued to see other women during this time, but by this time I was past trying to get him to be faithful). We did separate (and divorce) after Carla went off to college. Larry is remarried now to a much younger woman (33F).
In the past couple years, I have actually decided to focus more on myself - including my appearance. Now that my children are grown and out of the house, and I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around a difficult husband, I finally have time and resources to do so.
I didn't get a nose job or other plastic surgery like Larry had wanted, but I did update and color my hair, started working out more (lost about 15 pounds), got a new wardrobe, and actually started dating (I don't have a steady partner yet, but regularly go to age-appropriate singles events and go on dates).
Unfortunately, my children detest the "new me." In particular, they blame me for the divorce and are angry that I didn't "glow up" to accommodate Larry, saying I was too selfish and lazy to do so "when it mattered."
My son Steve is getting married soon, and says he is too angry to invite me to the wedding. Carla has gone low-contact with me. I had great relationships with both of them until I started my own glow-up process a couple years ago, which was a few years after Larry and I finalized our divorce.
Steve and Carla have told me that the only way to fix this - the only thing that would be fair - is to go back to the way I was before - meaning stop coloring my hair, dress in my former plain/frumpy way, and stop dating. They say they are most upset about the dating and that it's not fair for me to be looking for a new partner.
So, AITA for everything I have done here - for not improving my appearance until after I got divorced? I really don't think Larry would have been faithful to me no matter how much I twisted myself in knots.
I felt I did the best I could given the energy and resources I had, and, while it may seem selfish, I do believe I deserve to have my own life now? But I am open to other opinions if I have done something wrong here.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NofairRoo
Huh? Is this for real? Why do your kids think the have a say in what you wear? This is so strange. That’s not normal and it’s not ok. If you go back to the “old you” does ex go back too? What’s the end game here? Cuz ex is married, surely the adult
whinerschildren know this?
ThatPeach7311 (OP)
They think that I'm basically rubbing it in my ex's face (and theirs) that I never cared about him because I couldn't be bothered to fix myself up until after we were divorced.
I've explained that it just had to do with time and bandwidth that I have now that I'm single and the kids are grown but they aren't buying it. And no, of course the ex doesn't go back. The kids just think I deserve to be alone and frumpy, I guess, because I wasn't a perfect wife in my marriage.
Boofakblankets
I’m genuinely concerned for the lack of values your children exhibit. You sound like you still need to work on your self worth. I cannot imagine sacrificing as much as you have for your children to turn around and treat you this way.
If my child said what your son did to me there would be zero chance I’d attend their wedding. You are entitled to feelings and to hurt and the things your children are saying to you are cruel.
ndiasSF
The adult children sound very shallow. I can’t imagine growing up in a house where mom carries all the domestic duties and dad is off having affairs was a great experience.
ThatPeach7311 (OP)
I don't want to go NC with them, but I just think it's very odd that they only started blaming me for the divorce once I started improving my appearance. I do agree that I have a right to be happy now (whatever that looks like within reason) and that I don't have to defer to their opinion.
4 days later OP came back with this not-so-small "small update":
First, thanks so much for everyone who responded to my initial post. I started out trying to acknowledge everyone's responses but as they grew to the thousands I wasn't able to keep up - I'm so sorry. I did read everything and appreciate your time and thoughts, both for those who offered support and those who had more critical feedback.
As a small update, while I do agree that the behavior of my adult children Steve (27M) and Carla (25F) has been extremely judgmental and unkind, to say the least, I am not ready to write them off. I realized that since they started in with their criticisms a couple years ago when I started changing my appearance, I have been very defensive and dismissive.
Perhaps that is justified, but as I do want to make every effort to maintain a good relationship with my children, I decided that it would be best to listen with an open mind. (This doesn't mean I'm going to go back to my old frumpy appearance to accommodate them, of course not, but just that I am open to hearing what is really bothering them so we can hopefully talk it out.)
When I contacted them both to request this, they agreed to have brunch with me this coming weekend, which is a good start. Perhaps the conversation won't change anything, but I'd always regret it if I didn't try, and listening is free.
Many of the commenters felt that some info must have been missing from my initial post. I thought I hit all the main points, but can fill in a bit more detail here. For about the first decade of my relationship with my ex-husband Larry, things were really wonderful - or at least I thought so.
As I mentioned, we met in college as electrical engineering students who both had fairly plain and unfashionable appearances by conventional. Honestly, as a nerdy woman I have always been much, much more attracted to nerdy-looking men than super-polished ones, just a better match for me I guess.
Larry seemed crazy about me from the get go and I was equally crazy about him. We graduated, both got good engineering jobs, bought a house, and started our family. We had a very warm and loving home, lots of quality intimacy, and frequently hosted our equally nerdy friends for D&D and anime nights.
Then Larry decided he wanted to go to law school; nothing really changed for the first couple years, but the law school career counselors advised him to spruce up his appearance when it was time to start applying for attorney jobs. Hence his own glow-up began.
Even after that, for his first couple years as a law firm associate, he jokingly referred to his new look as his "silly lawyer costume" and looked forward to coming him to change into his anime T-shirts. I didn't try to match his new appearance because (a) he never asked me to; and (b) initially it seemed like it was just some sort of uniform for him that he was somewhat uncomfortable with.
However, this all changed abruptly one night when I was supposed to accompany him to an awards dinner for his firm. Knowing that it was a fancy thing, and that I wasn't the best with fashion, etc., I actually went and got my hair and makeup professionally done and worked with a personal shopper to select what I thought was a flattering dress and shoes appropriate for the occasion.
However, when Larry saw me in this getup he suddenly got angry, made "lipstick on a pig" type comments, and threw out the insults about my nose and post-baby tummy pooch. I learned shortly afterwards that he'd started an affair with a colleague (who happened to have a small, pert nose and flat stomach).
Even after he was so mean, I was still hopeful that we could get counseling and work through this, but he didn't want to. I will admit I was paralyzed for a while and also didn't want to make any rash moves due to the impact on the kids, and perhaps I could have made better decisions there.
But by the time I was actually ready, emotionally and logistically, to proceed with a divorce, Carla had her accident and I had to shift gears to prioritizing her recovery.
On another note - contrary to what some commenters assumed, my post-divorce glow-up had nothing to do with wanting to meet new men.
Initially, it was precipitated by having a work-related opportunity to do more high-profile client-facing activities, and I received some gentle guidance from my supervisor that it would be a great time to update my appearance - hence the new hairstyle, wardrobe, makeup, manicures, etc.
In addition, once I hit 50 my A1C started creeping a bit higher - as diabetes runs in my family, although at 5'5" and 140 lbs I wasn't medically overweight, my doctor advised that losing just a few pounds, coupled with some dietary tweaks and changing up my exercise routine, would be a good idea.
So I added yoga, pilates and strength training to the hiking and cycling I already did, and ended up losing about 15 pounds over the course of a year. I'd always been physically active (despite some commenters accusing me of being lazy), I just wasn't focused on sculpting my body to look a certain way as opposed to general fitness.
Once I slimmed down and updated my look, I did find myself getting a lot more attention from men, so I figured since I'd been single for a few years I might as well lean into it and start dating - but again that wasn't the initial reason.
Some commenters asked if I'd spent "family money" on my makeover and if that might be what was making my children upset. The answer to that is no - Larry and I divided our assets in the divorce, he got the big house we had lived in and paid me for my share which allowed me to buy a much smaller house and have plenty left.
Although, as a law firm partner, he makes about 10x what I do, I did not request any alimony beyond my 50% of our assets, which had all been accumulated during the marriage. Anyway, if folks are interested I can post an additional update next week once I can talk to my children and find out more about what their issue is.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I am curious to see how the conversation goes. I don’t understand why your children vilified you.
ThatPeach7311 OP responded:
I'm pretty perplexed as well. They are adults with their own lives (they are both employed and have their own residences) and they both have significant others, so it's not like what I look like or whether or not I date affects their day to day lives. But it's possible I may be missing something.
Maybe they were hoping you would get back together someday, or they really hate his wife/ap and see you looking good now and desperately wish you were still together and falsely think that if you looked like this before he wouldn't have cheated.
He would have, but they don't want to blame him...so you are all they have to direct that anger at. Stay looking good...for you. You deserve it!
ThatPeach7311 OP responded:
They actually say they love his new wife, who is like a fun and glamorous big sister to them. I do think I look great now but I look like a well-kept 50something woman who takes care of herself, much like you might see in women executives, politicians, etc. I'm not going to compete, looks-wise, with a conventionally attractive woman in her early 30s.
Honestly, the kids probably think of you as the stable typical saintly Mom. May even hold you up in a pedestal for it in a way. So, becoming a hottie and dating changes that image in their minds. Plus they may have the typical "I wish my parents were still together " complex.
I hope they can see you're the same loving mom they've always known... only sexier. Good luck! Keep us posted.
The funny thing is, my new look isn't even what most people would consider se#y! Just polished, like you might see on a woman executive or politician. My clothes are pretty conservative and age-appropriate, just stylish and well-tailored.
Makeup and jewelry are subtle and tasteful. It's not like I'm wearing stilettos, corset tops and miniskirts with bright red lipstick! (Not that there would be anything wrong with that, even for a woman my age.)